is going back to where she left her heart.

I am going back to Eastern Europe this summer, for all who are wondering where I might be: here's the beginning of a new blog that will detail my travels.

Before I leave I am documenting how I felt last time so that I can begin this trip with a new perspective, learning from my prior misconceptions. I have a feeling that this summer is going to be life-altering for me.

On a related note, Isaac and I just had a deep conversation about the possibilities that this summer might hold. I think it's going to be a crucial time for many of my close friends and for myself. I can see that many choices have led me to this point in my life. I would like to try and guess what might be in store for me, but I don't think that's possible. But there are things I would like to happen, and I will list them here:

1. Resurrect my love for Slavic culture and the Russian language

2. Finish the requirements for my major and run my ORCA project

3. Make some new friends

4. Lose a little weight while running around there

5. Finish War and Peace (I didn't make it the first time)

6. Visit some people I left behind

What do you want to happen this summer?

wants to be happy.

When I found this picture a while ago I thought it was the perfect metaphor for life. The boy is crying because his tricycle isn't working the way he wants it to--he wants a smoother ride. Well, sorry. Life is never a completely smooth ride. We can choose to progress, although it is a bumpy road that frustrates or even hurts us at times, or we can choose to sit still with no bumps, all the while missing out on the journey. I know that there is a time for everyone when they feel like they've been given an unfair lot in life. I've felt this way so many times I can hardly isolate specific incidents; I've been saying "that's not fair!" ever since I could recognize the difference between the larger cupcake and the smaller cupcake. And my mom would always respond "fair is a place you go for a ride." That is, life isn't fair and if you expect it to be, you are going to be disappointed. I have been disappointed so many times in my life. But there is a happy side to the unhappy realization that life is not fair, I choose if I am going to constantly take note of life's inconsistencies and feel angry about injustice or I can act for myself and be happy with the life I've been given. At least I have a tricycle, right? How about the poor kid down the street with one rollerskate. That's gotta suck. I don't want to go too far with this metaphor, it would cheapen it, but I do want to point out that we are not in a race with each other for fairness or happiness or success. That's just not it. I feel like I post about these kinds of things all the time, but I like to remind myself that

I CAN ONLY CONTROL MYSELF!

I want everyone to recognize that. I wish I could communicate that idea to everyone who struggles with the question of why they aren't happy. I fully believe that happiness is a choice in life (when not complicated by factors like depression, as I have mentioned before) that comes when we take control of our choices and make ourselves responsible for them. I know that doesn't seem like the equation for happiness, but somehow it is.

DISCLAIMER:

I know that I am only happy when I am acting for myself...according to the Lord's will. I should have made this clearer before (and I might get some flack for it, but I'm going to say it anyway because this is my blog and this is how I feel): taking control of our actions doesn't mean anything unless our choices are made according to the Lord's plan for us.

Alma explains this concept in the most clear way I can think of:

"I ought not to harrow up in my desires, the firm decree of a just God, for I know that he granteth unto men according to their desire, whether it be unto death or unto life; yea, I know that he allotteth unto men, yea, decreeth unto them decrees which are unalterable, according to their wills, whether they be unto salvation or unto destruction.

Yea, and I know that good and evil have come before all men; he that knoweth not good from evil is blameless; but he that knoweth good and evil, to him it is given according to his desires, whether he desireth good or evil, life or death, joy or remorse of conscience.

Now, seeing that I know these things, why should I desire more than to perform the work to which I have been called?" Alma 29:4-6

The Lord knows perfectly how to make me happy. When I am grasping for answers and feeling that life is unfair, I only need to turn to him for alleviation of my pain, and sometimes I get an explanation. I usually don't understand why life is the way it is, but I am happy to be led by the hand by someone who loves me more than anyone else and who has planned an existence filled with more happiness than I could ever imagine. I ache for all people to feel peace and to know that they will someday have a fullness of joy. Happiness might seem inconsistent in our lives because of our weaknesses in this earthly state and our mistakes, but it can underlie everything we do if we have made the choice to seek after it. We can live in a way that will lead us towards greater joy:

"And it came to pass that we lived after the manner of happiness." 2 Nephi 5:27

Nephi also recognized that it is a choice. He didn't say, "and it came to pass that we lived and just by chance we were happy too." He said that they lived in a way that made them happy. Happiness begins when we accept the circumstances we've been given, but it is increased by every good choice we make and solidified by our trust in the Lord's plan for us.

loves her cousin.

Just kidding. That's George Michael. And I'm in love with him. I am almost at the end of my Arrested Development marathon with John, Isaac, and iwonder. It's soooo awesome. I will post my reaction to the whole series tomorrow night after I finish it.

feels the winds of change.

And I don't like it one bit. Why do I resist every time I'm moved from my place? Maybe it's the same reason my dog growls when I try to pick him up when he is sleeping. It's just not comfortable. There are a number of things prompting this feeling in me right now: the semester is ending, friendships are realigning, new friendships are being formed, some friends are leaving, I am going to Russia for the summer, and there seems to be other changes looming on the horizon. I always resist when I feel like my life is changing direction. I dislike the feeling of cold wind in my face and I want to turn my back to it again. But I can't. I have to keep going forward. At least the wind dries the tears on my face.

I guess this is the pessimist's view of opportunity. I am not usually one. This side of me tends to kick in late at night when I am too reminiscent of past events or brooding over future possibilities and I am not thinking about the here and now. Sometimes it is good to reflect and it is good to plan, but is it important not to regret and not to fear. I shouldn't plan for the worst-case scenario. Life is much more promising than I usually imagine it to be. I've experienced that time and time again.

I like what Thomas S. Monson said a few years ago, "Learn from the past, prepare for the future, live in the present." Living in the present is the only cure for reliving past mistakes and dreading future ones. Really, it's not that I am afraid of making mistakes either; I am afraid of missing out on something or somebody important. I am tempted to think that it would be easier to stay in my comfortable place to avoid feeling pain or disappointment. But after painful experiences comes growth and that is always a good thing. This thought is hard to express at this time of night, so I will leave it at this: I am often afraid of change in my life, but I know it's necessary. I am just praying for the courage to keep going and have faith even when I don't know exactly what is ahead of me. I suppose this post is just about faith that good things will happen when my life shifts and I am placed in a new, uncomfortable situation. So, I guess I will try to stop fighting against the wind.

doesn't want to be alone.

This post has been waiting to come out of me for a while. It's the major fear of my life, and I believe dominates the lives of many others. I fear being alone. It sounds too simple on it's own and so I need to elaborate on the concept. I have felt angry, depressed, rejected, anxious, disinterested, apathetic, and a number of other emotions connected to the fact that I am not dating someone or I wish I were dating someone. Gladly, that is not generally the case at present. I know the Lord is blessing me to feel peace about that concern right now in my life. I have said before that I know I need to be happy with who I am, regardless of whether I am attached to someone or not. So, that is not what this post is about. But this post is about the fear that we all have (or at least I think we all have it) of being alone. We all have a void for romantic love that is sometimes filled and sometimes isn't. It is the need for someone to share our lives with. This is built into us and sometimes it seems unfair that it must go unfulfilled. It drives us to do some pretty stupid and wonderful things when we experience it. Anyhow, I have spent a fair amount of time pining away and listening to Franky to know what the stupid side of it is.

My recent thoughts concerning the subject are about the fact that this desire for romantic love often outweighs our desire for charity, which I just posted about. For whatever reason, we are required by the Lord to give up romantic love in certain instances and for certain periods of time if asked to do so. That is very hard to do. It's hard to wait and it's hard to abstain. It's especially hard to turn away from a relationship that seems so attainable, but doesn't fulfill the Lord's requirements. I'm trying to remember the epiphany I had about this subject today and I think it's coming to the surface...
Basically, we are all so afraid of being alone that often we turn to the very things that will leave us alone in the long run. I'll explain, Satan is very good at making us believe that we will be alone if we don't make some drastic move to change our situation. He makes us think that we need to turn to the nearest source of comfort to bandage the wound. That comfort takes the form of many different things, most of which are extremely harmful to us. Turning to a false source of comfort only digs the pit of loneliness deeper, as I have experienced. Enough is never enough. What the Savior asks us to do is the exact opposite of what Satan wants us to do. He asks us to come to Him and somehow, he will fill the hole in our heart. I know that's hard to believe when the pain seems like it's too great to handle alone. At least that much is true, you can't handle it alone. It is imperative to put the burden on the Lord. I posted this scripture in a comment on iwonder's blog in response to his post about the pain he often feels in association with the challenges in his life:

"Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death. And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more. And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain! Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy." Alma 36:18-21

This is one of the scriptures that I have turned to the most in my life for comfort. It represents to me a real feeling that I experienced when I turned to the Lord to take away the pain that I felt when I had made some bad choices in my life. I felt His love in such a real way when I chose it over a romantic love that was very destructive for me at that time in my life. I realized then and I realized again recently that yes, I don't want to be alone, but I also don't want to make a choice that will separate me from my Savior. He won't leave me alone if I turn to Him. The only time I am truly alone is when I am not relying on His mercy and I turn away.

I believe that most of the challenges we experience in this life are connected to the need we have to feel accepted and loved. Although I have moments when I feel overwhelmed with fear or sadness anticipating the future, I realize that I will never be alone because of my Savior. I know He is my friend and He constantly heals my heart. It needs to be patched up often. The love of God is the sweetest thing that I have ever experienced. I relate with the words of Lehi about God's love:

"And it came to pass that I did go forth and partake of the fruit thereof; and I beheld that it was most sweet, above all that I ever before tasted. Yea, and I beheld that the fruit thereof was white, to exceed all the whiteness that I had ever seen. And as I partook of the fruit thereof it filled my soul with exceedingly great joy... I knew that it was desirable above all other fruit." 1 Nephi 8:10-11

I know that the Lord's love can fill us with greater joy than we have ever known. It will fill the emptiness that plagues us. It can make us whole as we learn how to give it and receive it. If we really understood what the true nature of "being alone" is, we would never leave our Savior's side.

is nothing...

without charity. I just wanted to make that clear. I have been thinking about the nature of charity and what it takes to become a truly charitable person. Charity seems to be the sum of all of Christ's characteristics. Charity is necessary to return to God. Charity is perfect love. Christ is charity:

"But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him." Moroni 7:47

I don't want to oversimplify these thoughts by saying obvious things, but I need to remind myself so often about the true nature of charity that I wonder if I am making progress at all. I made a list today (when I was skipping Sunday school because the teacher makes me nervous, I know... how charitable) of the things that incite bouts of unkindness:

-when I feel neglected, hurt, or offended
-when I am exhausted, feeling emotionally drained, or spiritually empty
-when I compare myself to others
-when I feel superior to others or when I feel intimidated by others
-when I perceive people being unkind to me
-when I am lonely

The list could have been much longer, but I realized that basically, it's when there is a void in my life. I start taking from others to try and fill it, and I am making unkindness or aloofness my response to many situations when I should be responding with charity. I know that my response to anyone at anytime should be kind. I never have the right to be cold or even outrightly rude, but I do it all the time. I do it at the library when I get late fines, I do it in long lines at the bank, I do it while I'm driving, I do it to my mom when she calls me and I'm in a bad mood, I do it to my friends when I feel like they aren't fulfilling my needs, I do it to my roommates, I even do it to the Lord when I doubt his plan for me or question his love for me. It's so difficult to respond with charity in every situation. I realize that in order to condition my responses to be kinder, I need to do the most that I can to be "filled". This week my goals are:

-pray for greater charity
-pray for people individually
-study about charity during my scripture study
-seek opportunities to give service (praying for these opportunities daily too)
-avoid gossip (I failed so miserably at this last week)
-express gratitude more often and take the time to compliment people more often as well

Charity is a spiritual gift to all who seek it, and I need to seek it with greater intent:

"Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen." Moroni 7:48

I want to take this moment, not just because it is a part of my goals for this week, but because I really feel this way, to express the love that I have for all who participate in this peculiar world of Moho bloggers and others who support and love them. I love you. You inspire me daily. Your struggles and your love for each other are often wonderful examples of Christ's love and also examples of how we should all behave as faithful saints. I am so grateful that my eyes were opened to this challenge. It is not because I compare my situation to it and see that I am better off and, therefore, more grateful for what I have. It is because I see that we all struggle in this life and we are able to find comfort in the Savior no matter what we deal with. I am able to love someone to a greater degree when I understand what challenges they have, although I should be able to love someone regardless of knowing about their challenges. I am grateful for this insight to the lives of others. I know that the struggle of feeling charity for all people will continue throughout my life, but I have hope that the Lord will help me to understand more as I go throughout my life. I know I will hurt people along the way, please forgive me if I've hurt you. I know I will feel pain, but I want to forgive and allow love to fill my heart. I'm not sure how to end this post, except to say that I'm trying. I want everyone to feel loved and I want to be a part of Christ's invitation to feel his love. I hope that I can be a better extension of his mercy.

is revising.

The last post has been removed for further revision. It needed it. It will return to my blog, but not this one. Look for it on Naked Prose. That's all. :)

likes torture.

If you can handle bad poetry read this. *wince*

spoke too soon.

The shoes are too small. *sigh*

enjoys the simple things in life.

Today was the perfect day, aside from the fact I had to go to school (although my dance teacher did look super cute today). I went to the mall and bought some new shoes at Nordstrom; I also went to Express and found a cute shirt. Plus it was sunny and beautiful! Then I went to Pita Pit and had the chicken caesar pita. YUM! So based on those superficial things (just kidding) my life is going well. I hope I'm not in the eye of a hurricane. I feel blessed. I feel like my life is chill right now so that I can reach out and lift others. I'm glad for new shoes, but more importantly, I'm glad for peace in my life. I know, random...

wonders why.

For all who are wondering, my date wasn't spectacular. I hate to mention this right off the bat, but Jerome wasn't cute. Oh well. He also wasn't talkative. I tried halfheartedly to make conversation, but I really didn't care that much if we even hit it off. He did take me to dinner at Tucano's, however. It seemed to bother him that it was a little expensive, but I didn't mind. Sorry bud, that's life... and dating.

Luckily, after my not-so-incredible date, AtP saved me! We drove around Provo until 4 am shooting the breeze and eating chocolate. I think I have a crush. ;) But really, what I'm wondering is... are there any sensitive, kind, wonderful, straight men out there? I feel SO much more fulfilled spending time with my mohos than any straight guy I can think of at the moment. I know that our relationships are not going any further than friendship, but I'm happy with what we have. I love them so much. Am I messed up for not wanting a stupid straight guy ruining my life? Am I wrong to hope for the possibility that there are straight guys out there who actually have the incredible qualities my mohos have? Am I being too picky because I'm waiting for a guy who actually wants to get to know me and will talk to me until the wee hours of the morning? I think I know the answers to these questions-they are kind of rhetorical-but I'm just starting to wonder about myself. Why do I find myself inadvertently surrounded by men who deal with SSA? I mean, I'm not complaining by any means, but what is it about me that makes me, as AtP calls it, a "fruit fly"? I need to figure out what makes me recoil from dating right now. Perhaps it is just an ebb and flow in my dating life. Whatever it is, I do not plan on volunteering for any more blind dates in the next while and I do plan on spending as much time as I can with the people I love.