The cure for fear is gratitude

"Ironically enough, in the same way that fear brings to pass what one is afraid of, likewise a forced intention makes impossible what one forcibly wishes... Pleasure is, and must remain, a side-effect or by-product, and is destroyed and spoiled to the degree to which it is made a goal in itself." ― Viktor E. Frankl

Fear is a selfish feeling. It is the opposite of gratitude. I've been coming to terms with the anxiety that seizes me, inexplicably at times. It often manifests itself when changes are taking place in my life, when big decisions need to be made, and when relationships are being formed, along with other stresses. At this time in my life, almost all of these conditions are present and so I've found myself struggling with the fears that grip me in the midst of great blessings. I get frustrated with myself and I wish I had a switch I could flip off to quell the fear. It makes me want to call myself crazy or neurotic and yet I know my intentions are good. So, what makes me scared? And, more importantly, what can I do to have courage and enjoy life?

I believe that fear often comes from selfishness and it is a faith issue. When I am scared I know that feeling comes from the fear that my deepest desires will be left unfulfilled. Do I believe the Lord when He tells us repeatedly "Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you"? The truth is, most of the time I do, but sometimes I falter. I am so grateful for the kind people who remind me of who I really am and what I am capable of. In my times of need I have had friends reassure me of my strength and share their wisdom with me. They are answers to my prayers.

The answer to fear is simple in expression, but complicated to execute. It is simply gratitude. Instead of worrying about my own needs being met, I can reach out to others and stop focusing on what I perceive as missing from my life. In reality, as long as I'm seeing the holes in my life, I will not see what is actually present. There will never be enough for me if I am never satisfied. Viktor Frankl more eloquently said:

"Don't aim at success. The more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one's personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it. I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge. Then you will live to see that in the long-run - in the long-run, I say! - success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think about it."

I'll admit, this has been somewhat of a gripe for me. Why must I deny what I am seeking in order to find it? The same goes for relationships. As soon as I look for love, I find disappointment, but when it comes to me unsought I can appreciate it more fully because I have experienced a single life and embraced it. I'm not saying I'm good at this yet, because I'm not, but at least I know what I should do. I should allow myself to love without fear and enjoy the process instead of fearing the end from the beginning, which is a self-fulfilling prophesy.

I need to apply this principle to something I have already accomplished. This summer, for example, I was learning how to drive a school bus: a giant, yellow, 14-ton-machine that does not operate in the same way a car works. I'll admit, it scared me a little to drive one at first, but I didn't picture myself failing. I took it on as a challenging project and I believed I was capable of accomplishing the task. At one point in my training, I was pulled aside by my trainer and told that I was coming along more slowly than others. She was concerned that I wouldn't be able to fully realize my goal of becoming certified. Her confidence in my ability was shaken by my slow progress and it affected my performance for a good week or two. I shouldn't have allowed that criticism to make me doubt myself, but it did for a while. I took my commercial driver's license test the first time and failed it. I went home fearing that I wouldn't be able to continue, although my mistake had been a minor technicality, but then I prayed for help. I focused on my strengths and continued with a smile on my face. The second time I passed. It was a great feeling. Now I can drive without the anxiety I felt then. I enjoy it now. I can focus on attending to the needs of the students because I am past my own fears. The same goes for other fears. When I can get past them, I can attend to the needs of others more effectively. I hope I can always remember this. It doesn't mean that I am always perfect at what I am doing. I hit a telephone pole with my bus a while ago and it shook my confidence, but I didn't quit (and thankfully wasn't fired) and I continue to improve my driving skills.

Fear keeps me from becoming who I am supposed to be. It clouds my perception of myself and others. I am going to do my best to focus on gratitude and be a force for good. I suppose that's a good conclusion to come to on Thanksgiving, right?

Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I am grateful for you in my life. Thank you for listening.

Thoughts on turning 30

It seems that 30 is a turning point for many people. You can panic, deny it, or embrace it. There's no turning back. I suppose it has everything to do with expectations and little to do with an actual number. Truthfully, I haven't put much thought into it and I think that's positive. Sitting down to write this post is the first real thinking I've done and I don't want to over analyze it, like I do with most things. It's just another birthday, nothing to freak out about, right?

I do want to address the idea of expectations, however. At age 30 there seems to be things people, especially women, should have accomplished. Marriage, a career, perhaps children, come to mind. There are also all kinds of modern ideas about what people should have done in their twenties before "settling down." That's all well and good, but I've never felt an intense need to prove that I'm completely living it up as a single person in order to justify the lack of a family, impressive career, and so on. Yes, I will admit that there are things I wish would have happened by this time, but that does not mean that turning 30 marks the end of a marriageable era.

So obviously, 30 is only a mental hurdle. I've actually been using it as a way to dissuade younger men from being interested in me. As in, high school age boys that I drive on the bus. All I have to say is "I'm thirty" and they get a scared look on their faces. I get a kick out of that. As an LDS young single adult, it might also get me the same looks from guys I meet, but I know that guys who have that reaction aren't ones I should be interested in.

I'm going to approach 30 with enthusiasm. I think I've come up with a theme based around a song that always puts a smile on my face. Even the lyrics put me in a positive mood:

I get up, and nothin' gets me down
You got it tough, I've seen the toughest around
And I know, baby, just how you feel
You got to roll with the punches and get to what's real...

One final note, I have a tradition of getting a sexy pair of birthday heels. This year's pick:

Don't be concerned. I will not be dancing to any Van Halen in these shoes.