doesn't want to be alone.

This post has been waiting to come out of me for a while. It's the major fear of my life, and I believe dominates the lives of many others. I fear being alone. It sounds too simple on it's own and so I need to elaborate on the concept. I have felt angry, depressed, rejected, anxious, disinterested, apathetic, and a number of other emotions connected to the fact that I am not dating someone or I wish I were dating someone. Gladly, that is not generally the case at present. I know the Lord is blessing me to feel peace about that concern right now in my life. I have said before that I know I need to be happy with who I am, regardless of whether I am attached to someone or not. So, that is not what this post is about. But this post is about the fear that we all have (or at least I think we all have it) of being alone. We all have a void for romantic love that is sometimes filled and sometimes isn't. It is the need for someone to share our lives with. This is built into us and sometimes it seems unfair that it must go unfulfilled. It drives us to do some pretty stupid and wonderful things when we experience it. Anyhow, I have spent a fair amount of time pining away and listening to Franky to know what the stupid side of it is.

My recent thoughts concerning the subject are about the fact that this desire for romantic love often outweighs our desire for charity, which I just posted about. For whatever reason, we are required by the Lord to give up romantic love in certain instances and for certain periods of time if asked to do so. That is very hard to do. It's hard to wait and it's hard to abstain. It's especially hard to turn away from a relationship that seems so attainable, but doesn't fulfill the Lord's requirements. I'm trying to remember the epiphany I had about this subject today and I think it's coming to the surface...
Basically, we are all so afraid of being alone that often we turn to the very things that will leave us alone in the long run. I'll explain, Satan is very good at making us believe that we will be alone if we don't make some drastic move to change our situation. He makes us think that we need to turn to the nearest source of comfort to bandage the wound. That comfort takes the form of many different things, most of which are extremely harmful to us. Turning to a false source of comfort only digs the pit of loneliness deeper, as I have experienced. Enough is never enough. What the Savior asks us to do is the exact opposite of what Satan wants us to do. He asks us to come to Him and somehow, he will fill the hole in our heart. I know that's hard to believe when the pain seems like it's too great to handle alone. At least that much is true, you can't handle it alone. It is imperative to put the burden on the Lord. I posted this scripture in a comment on iwonder's blog in response to his post about the pain he often feels in association with the challenges in his life:

"Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death. And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more. And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain! Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy." Alma 36:18-21

This is one of the scriptures that I have turned to the most in my life for comfort. It represents to me a real feeling that I experienced when I turned to the Lord to take away the pain that I felt when I had made some bad choices in my life. I felt His love in such a real way when I chose it over a romantic love that was very destructive for me at that time in my life. I realized then and I realized again recently that yes, I don't want to be alone, but I also don't want to make a choice that will separate me from my Savior. He won't leave me alone if I turn to Him. The only time I am truly alone is when I am not relying on His mercy and I turn away.

I believe that most of the challenges we experience in this life are connected to the need we have to feel accepted and loved. Although I have moments when I feel overwhelmed with fear or sadness anticipating the future, I realize that I will never be alone because of my Savior. I know He is my friend and He constantly heals my heart. It needs to be patched up often. The love of God is the sweetest thing that I have ever experienced. I relate with the words of Lehi about God's love:

"And it came to pass that I did go forth and partake of the fruit thereof; and I beheld that it was most sweet, above all that I ever before tasted. Yea, and I beheld that the fruit thereof was white, to exceed all the whiteness that I had ever seen. And as I partook of the fruit thereof it filled my soul with exceedingly great joy... I knew that it was desirable above all other fruit." 1 Nephi 8:10-11

I know that the Lord's love can fill us with greater joy than we have ever known. It will fill the emptiness that plagues us. It can make us whole as we learn how to give it and receive it. If we really understood what the true nature of "being alone" is, we would never leave our Savior's side.