How to get out of the life raft when your Titanic sinks

I skipped the celebration of my 200th post. It's okay, I didn't feel like I had much to say about it except that it happened. Yay for 200 posts, even though it took me about three years to do it. :)

But that aside, there is plenty of time for celebration later, let's focus on the big issues. I want to talk about the status of my heart, relationship-wise, I guess. As my mom likes to say, "here's the deal": I'm frustrated with myself. Without meaning to, I have built up a pretty impressive wall to keep myself from getting hurt again and I'm having a tough time breaking through. Recently I've been out with some kind, attractive, intelligent, faithful-type men who seem to have the total package going on. They seem to like me as well, which feels unfair to them because I don't reciprocate much of their affection. I really would like to, but I don't know how to stir up romantic feelings that I have crushed down with a hammer, to put it delicately.

Thank goodness for eHow.com, which tells me step by step "How to Love Again" (with my comments). Here it is:

1. Grieve your losses. Before you will be ready to love again, you need to heal the pain that your lost love has inflicted. Whether you lost your love through a failed relationship or the death of a loved one, your lost love left emotional wounds. Grieve your losses so you will free yourself to love again. Okay, I'm done with this one. Check.

2. Recognize the need to love again. Loving others is one of the most basic needs of human existence. Without love, life is meaningless. While you might need to take some time to lick your emotional wounds, closing off your heart to love will make your life seem empty. Crap.

3. Decide that loving again is worth the risk. While you are still in the grieving process, your heart might feel too fragile to take the risk of loving again. However, as you grieve your loss and become more emotionally healthy, you will move toward being ready to open up your heart again. I'm pretty sure I've decided this...

4. Love yourself. The more you love yourself, the more likely you are to attract a person who is emotionally healthy. If you go out looking for love to fill a hole in your heart, then you are much more likely to attract someone who wants to take advantage of you. However, if you come from the perspective of having lots of love to give, then you will attract a similar person. Maybe this is where I'm coming up against a brick wall. It's difficult to build up such a large reserve of excess love!

5. Think about what you want in a new relationship. Set a standard for what you are seeking in a new relationship. Make it a point to progress in this relationship, and don't fall into old patterns just because they are comfortable. Right. Like they always say "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

6. Let the love come to you. Don’t go out looking for “Mr. Right” in places where singles congregate. Instead, get involved in activities which you enjoy that bring you into contact with people who have the same interests. Whether you do this through a church, a bowling league or a city tennis club, get involved in your community in a positive manner. This seems contradictory when I attend a singles's ward. Hmm...

7. Ease into a new relationship slowly. Do not try to replace the lost relationship. Instead, allow a new one to grow and blossom in its own way. Perhaps one day. When this happens, I will graduate to reading "How to Turn a Sinking Relation-Canoe into a Loving Relation-Ship that will withstand any Storm that Comes its Way"

I always want to say sorry for my sarcasm concerning love. I was just about to say sorry for posting a list that I initially made fun of, but at least joking about it keeps me from getting depressed about not being able to love people the way I would like to. And let me reiterate that I really would like to.

So, what do I do now? According to eHow, which I don't exactly trust, I think I'm on step 4 or 5. Maybe somewhere in between. Or maybe that list has nothing to do with anything and it was filler for a entry that leaves me just as mind-boggled as I was when I started writing it. I'm not looking for advice or pity. I'm just compelled to post about something that I wish I understood better: my heart.

To echo the title, how do I get out of my life raft? I'm not sure. I'm still scared. The water around me is probably freezing cold and shark infested. If I wait around to get saved, I'll probably die of thirst or have to drink my pee to survive. If I can hold out long enough, I might meet the crew from Whale Wars and that would be fun, but I don't really like their forceful environmentalist tactics. I'm going to have to keep paddling until I feel that I'm in safer waters. The metaphor's gone far enough, but wouldn't it be cool to be on this?

I think I need a guy who is willing to get on the raft with me. So cute and predictable, right?

A beginner again

I need to make a slight modification to my New Year's resolutions. Instead of piano lessons, which would have been great, I bought a guitar! It is a more affordable option and I have always wanted to learn to play. Thank goodness for Brian, who has been coaching me through the process. Thank you, thank you, thank you...

I'm excited to start learning chords and picking through my favorite songs. First up on the list, if I can hack it, is Poison's "Every Rose Has it's Thorn," which I've always loved. If any of you have suggestions for easy songs to play, I'd love to hear them. It's kind of overwhelming and exciting to be right at the beginning of something new. I only know two chords right now. I remember when I first started playing the piano and how much of a thrill it was to learn a two-handed song. I look forward to the feeling of learning my first song.

My dogs are getting used to the guitar too. Paisley gets really nervous around it and I tried to acclimate her to it by strumming it while resting it on her back, but she freaked out. So I'll probably keep doing it, for my own entertainment.

I guess buying a guitar eventually happens when you watch too much of this: