wanders in the woods.

A couple weeks ago I drove to a park where I spent some time with my missionary before he left. I promised him I would go back after he left and write him something there. I did not anticipate a few feet of snow, but I loved it anyway.

I dug out the log we sat on that day and found where he'd carved our initials on it.




And just for old time's sake... *sigh*

I miss him.

is 31 things.

Read these and you'll know a little more about me. Post them on your blog too, they're fun!

1. If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say?
I’ve had dreams like this.

2. When was the last time you flew in a plane?
January 7th.

3. What did the last text message you sent say?
I just cleaned out my outbox. I have no idea.

4. What features do you find most attractive in the opposite sex?
Attached earlobes. Strong jawlines too.

5. What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?
Get a grant to write my novel.

6. Shoe size?
6 or 6 and a half. 36 in Europe.

7. Been to Mexico?
Nope.

8. When is the last time you had a massage?
Don’t remember. I need one.

9. What was the last TV show you watched?
American Idol.

10. What are your plans for the weekend?
Go to a Writing Fellows retreat, President Hinckley’s funeral, and then work. I also plan on taking a long nap on Sunday. Friday night is still open…

11. If your significant other asked you to marry them TODAY what would you say?
Yes.

12. What is in the back seat of your car right now?
A box of dried-out baby wipes, an ice scraper, and a tire iron.

13. What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Sleeping.

14. If you could marry any celebrity today who would it be?
No one. Unless my missionary suddenly became famous. ;)

15. Have you ever been to a strip club?
Not an actual strip club, but it’s been close. There were cages. Aaah!

16. What is the best ice cream flavor?
Heath bar. Anything with toffee!

17. What is the last sporting event you watched?
Does watching people at BYU flirt count?

18. Ever go camping?
Sure. Maybe not for a couple summers, though.

19. Last phone call?
Mom. We talk about 3+ times a day.

20. Are you allergic to anything?
Cats and mold. Cats make me sneeze and my eyes itch. Mold just makes me blow my nose a lot.

21. What is one thing you have learned about life recently?
I need to be more patient.

22. What do you do at work?
I tutor writers for one job and I drive people around in BYU vans and stamp their hands at dances at the other job.

23. What is your mom's name?
Kathleen Ann Brennan. She’s an Irish girl.

24. Ever cried for no reason?
There’s always a reason. Even if it is a hormone imbalance. And that never happens to me. Never!

25. Can you do the Crank Dat dance?
No thanks. But I’ve been known to do some others.

26. What is your favorite color to wear?
Red. I love my new red coat.

27. What is the longest plane ride you have ever been on?
About nine hours. It was from New York to Vienna. UGH!

28. What is the longest road trip you have ever taken?
To Utah. I do it about twice or more a year. It’s 13+ hours. But I don’t mind it.

29. What are your turn-offs?
Pushy people, the smell of food burning, shopping carts that won’t push straight, forgetting things at home.

30. What was your last alcoholic beverage?
Cough medicine, but I don’t remember when the last time was.

31. What are you craving right now?
A hug and a kiss. Maybe a little spoon. I’m lonely!

is Elizabeth Bennet...

...according to this "Which Austen Heroine are You?" quiz. Take the quiz for yourself and see who you are!

You are intelligent, witty, and tremendously attractive. You have a good head on your shoulders, and oftentimes find yourself the lone beacon of reason in a sea of ridiculousness. You take great pleasure in many things. You are proficient in nearly all of them, though you will never own it. Lest you seem too perfect, you have a tendency toward prejudgement that serves you very ill indeed.

Take the Quiz here!

thirsts.

This World, Not the Next

True, God dreamed our first parents out
of a chaos of firmament and longing.
And true, he pled with them to return
to a savory Forever of his making.
But it was this world, with its tides and machinery
of sweet decay, they learned to love.

He touched their hair, then covered their sleeping
mouths with His and declared breath
holy, but forced them to draw another
and another. He commanded that they eat
not of that dazzling tree of awe and penumbra,
but knew its fruit would eat at them.

And when it did, and when they fell
into knowing. God folded the garden and hid it
deep inside the woman, but commanded
the man to tend it. And in due season the man
Eved, and the woman Adamed back
and the song of radiance they keened was pure

darkness by morning. And God blessed
Their bounty to be infinite, but left them
ten crooked fingers to count with.
And buried His echo inside their bodies,
a delicious lapping that answered yes and yes

to a question neither could recall.

Lance Larsen

I love this poem about the nature of our sojourn here on earth and our roles as man and woman. I have been pondering these ideas a lot recently. I wonder about my fragile, imperfect nature and I hope that I can be who I am supposed to be. The few things that I know about my purpose here tell me firstly, that God is my father. I know I am his daughter. I also know that we are all his children and he wishes to bless us in whatever ways we will let him. He wants us to be like him. That is a difficult task. The hardest task we are ever given, in fact. Yet, even while faced with this most difficult task, I feel peace because I know he wants me to succeed.

I also want to talk about my identity as a woman. I am grateful to be one. I feel both blessed and persecuted in this role. I want to be a wife and mother someday. I see those responsibilities providing some of the greatest joy I will experience in this life, along with the greatest pain, I'm sure. It is always that way. I have experienced and seen some of the difficulties that result from relationships, but I've also felt bliss. I know that many people I love struggle with situations that complicate this aspect of their lives. My hope is that someday we will all feel truly loved and be reconciled to what we have been given in this second estate, which can often seen unfair.

Concerning our respective roles as man and woman, I know it is an eternal truth that we need each other to become perfect, like our Father, and experience a fullness of happiness. A portion of a blessing given to me says, "that union [marriage] will be the beginning of an eternal unit that we call a family, and that is where you will become perfect." I believe this: that men and women need each other to progress to perfection, even though many things complicate this union while on earth.

My missionary recently sent me a page of his scripture study notes and I would like to include excerpts of his insights as well, because I feel like his perspective adds something to my pool of ideas. Firstly, he speaks of attractions that do no coincide with the Lord's plan, that while they are "desirable, [they] do not last. They are a symbol, a placeholder. But they are not the true thing." He uses a metaphor to describe the "thirst" that many have for affection, which can draw them to empty sources: "it is a mirage-an image that promises to satiate, but in fact is just an empty promise. Lacking "water" as it were, we must realize that it will leave us thirsting." Then he speaks of man's counterpart, "the woman is the true opposite. Not only is it the order God prescribed, but a woman carries within her the river suited to man's thirst. And vice-versa...both are nourished..."

The truth is that we are all born with thirsts that lead us astray, yet they are the very same that can lead us to God, if we recognize where to go for help. Regarding relationships, our various thirsts can cause us "to wander all our lives searching for satisfaction, unless we learn to truly see-to see through the mirage and know it for what it is. Only then can we give up our search for a mirage...then we can dig deep into the earth where we stand and find a hidden reservoir of our own, and when refreshed we can look around for the traveler who seeks the water we can give."


His wise comments about relationships remind me of the statement that Christ makes,
"But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life" (John 4:14). Christ is the source of living water, truth that sustains us throughout our lives and leads us back to him. He tells us that we can have a supply of this water inside ourselves to share with others as well. Relationships that are founded on truth hold living water, they lead us to God and perfection; they bring us joy and satisfaction. Yes, we are all imperfect people who will make mistakes and who will sin, but I have hope in the model that God has provided for me. I believe that if I am faithful I will be able to be perfect one day with my spouse and be with him and with God forever. It is very hard to imagine right now. It all sounds oversimplified and can even be discouraging, but since God gave me the charge to "be perfect," I know he will also help me on my path.

There is so much that can be said about this topic. Our roles as men and women are so complicated in so many ways. I wish that things could be simpler. I wish that we could each find someone to spend our mortal lives with and then eternity, progressing together in harmony. I wish that nobody ever had to feel lonely. The truths that I know are simple and overwhelming at the same time, but I feel peace in my heart. I am a daughter of God. If I am faithful, I will not wander, thirsting after things that will lead me astray.

has a Mollie.

We have a new puppy. She's quite a handful...


She looks innocent, but she isn't.


Here she goes...


Poor Britty!


This young whipper snapper is almost too much for him.


What are you lookin' at?!


Just leave me alone already!


Oh no you didn't!



She finally tuckered out. Phew!

is starting fresh!

I'm sure you've noticed that my blog is looking a little more fashionable nowadays. ;) I thought it needed a facelift for 2008. Along with that, I will post some current thoughts about Rilke, Waitress, and other things floating around in my head lately.


The first movie I watched in 2008 was Waitress. Granted, it has been around for a while, but I think it was a nice film to start out watching in the new year. Maybe the theme has been done--abused housewife, wishes for a better life, finds it in the end--but I was impressed with the witty dialogue, the juxtaposition of funny and sad moments throughout the film, the acting, and the ending, which was not your typical "everyone gets together" kind of ending. I think what impressed me was that the main character realized that her happiness could only come from within. Once her grimy husband was out of the picture, she didn't go running to the man she'd been having an affair with. She took responsibility for her child and began a new life with her and left her lover. It was really touching. It also made me want to eat pies. "Bad baby pie" sounded pretty good, maybe I'll try it out: a quiche made with brie and cheddar cheese with smoked ham in the middle. "Earl Murders Me Because I'm Having An Affair Pie" also sounds good with smashed blackberries and raspberries in a chocolate crust. Maybe I also love the idea of a movie about a waitress too. It is such a kitschy profession, riddled with images of indiscretion and lowliness. I think it's about time a movie was made about one who takes charge. And incidentally, that does not mean she left her job and did something else supposedly more glamorous. She remained a waitress, but she eventually ended up owning the diner and named it after her daughter. So sweet.

I am writing this after I wrote the next part of my blog, so I hope this doesn't feel disjointed, but I have another observation about this movie and why I liked it. She ends up alone. She doesn't get saved. In fact, she tells her lover, "I don't want you to save me. I don't need to be saved." I think that is so key in her character's development. She recognizes, like I previously mentioned, that nobody can make her happy but herself.

As for Rilke, I have been reading Letters to a Young Poet at the request of my missionary. I love it. We read some parts together before he left and now I am reading his copy, "keeping it warm" as I like to say. I read the fourth letter last night and it has a lot of ideas to ponder about loneliness, sexuality, and love. Some statements that struck me are:

"Everything assigned to us is a challenge; nearly everything that matters is a challenge, and everything matters."

"Your sexuality [is], your most precious posession." (why do you think Rilke would say this? Do you agree? I am still thinking about it...)

"Perhaps the sexes are more closely related than one would think."

"Embrace your solitude and love it. Endure the pain it causes, and try to sing out with it."

"Your pact with aloneness will be your support and solace even in the midst of unfamiliar situations. It is through that aloneness that you will find all your paths."

What I am pondering right now is the idea of being alone. It is not that I haven't had a time in my life when I have been truly alone. I have actually been alone in most major events in my life, like Rilke said in an earlier letter, "We are unutterably alone, essentially, especially in the things most intimate and most important to us." My initial reaction was disbelief. We aren't alone, are we? I believe what was taught to me in primary and all through the years in Sunday school that God is always with us, BUT aren't we are alone because we must make our own decisions and act for ourselves? Christ was left alone when he suffered for us because he had to accomplish the greatest task that has ever been given alone. Heavenly Father would not take the experience away from him by suffering through it with him. He had to do it by himself. While our situation is different, of course, we are still expected to be alone for so much of our earthly existence. Sometimes it is excruciating to feel alone, sometimes it is comforting. Why is that? And why do we have to be alone to realize that we need our Savior and we need someone to share our life with? I think it is because of the need for opposition. We must feel alone so often in this life because we must know the difference if we are to experience the fullness of joy that is promised to us in the next life. I believe we will never feel alone there. We will never ache for someone to love us or to comfort us.

Rilke said he made a "pact with aloneness" and I will make one as well. That pact involves:

1. Accepting myself right now in my state of "aloneness" and feeling happy.
2. Realizing that my life is still whole and meaningful even without someone to share it with right now.
3. Making my own decisions (according to the spirit) to direct my life and not relying on others to influence my path.
4. Taking time to be alone and ponder things that I don't always take the time to think about (this includes deeper scripture study and more meaningful prayers).

I may think of more things later to add to this pact, but it is part of my goals for this new year. I want to live a richer life and stop waiting for things to happen to me that make me open my eyes. There have been so many unexpected blessings in my life as of late. I recognize those, but I also know that I need to work toward feeling more stable. I want to feel assured that my life will be good, and I know it will be when I trust the Lord.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

I have heard this scripture many times, but am I living it? Do I believe that my life will be directed to happiness? I find myself panicking every now and then because I have a difficult time imaging good things in my future. I can picture mediocre things, but I know that the Lord wants more for me than that. Walking this road is lonely. Putting my trust in the Lord is probably one of the loneliest things I've ever done. I relinquish momentary comfort in the wrong arms, passing ideas that communicate hope but do not last, substances that would make me forget, at least for a while, and other things real or imaginary that would make me feel cushioned for the time being. The Lord does not do this for us. He won't sedate us against the sufferings of life. He has given us his spirit to be with us, and I feel his comfort so often, but he does allow us to feel pain and loss because we must! It is so necessary to understand these things and feel discomfort in the present because the reward he has prepared for us costs something. It is worth all the suffering that Christ did, and still we are unable to weather a bout of loneliness and so often turn to false comforts. I don't want to do this any longer. I want to trust him and embrace my current trials because that is the only way I can continue on the path. And I have to do it alone.