Recently I posted a brief comment on facebook that said "chastity talk for the 1,385th time in church today. I think I've got it figured out, thanks" and I was quickly barraged with comments, likes and dislikes. It seems that this topic has been beaten like the dead horse that it is for so many young single adults in the Church and yet, many struggle to abide it's precepts... like every other concept in the gospel. But why is this one so much weightier and so much more difficult to discuss? Because it concerns the creation of life itself, perhaps one of the greatest gifts given to us in this world.
So, I'd like to tell a story and discuss this concept: Chastity. What do young single adults in the church need to hear?
I have a confession. No, it's not for my bishop's ears. It's for yours. I've told this story before, but I think my youthful exploits taught me something interesting... A few years ago at BYU, I had a roommate who was the Relief Society President. And she took her calling seriously. I don't want to defame her character at all, but I'll admit, a 22-year-old Relief Society President has a lot to learn. Each semester we were sat down in our classes, separated by gender, and given the ol' chastity talk. It's an oldie, but a goodie at college, and inescapable in those young student wards. Well, she wanted to make the discussion into a type of open forum for chastity questions and so, with the best of intentions, she placed a shoe box with the top cut open outside our apartment door. It was labeled "chastity box." When I came upon that box after school my eyes lit up like a devious hoodlum and I imagined what it might hold. Then, even better, I imagined what questions I might add to it. I didn't have to look too far for suggestions about what to add to the box. My friends were there to help! We weren't too vindictive; we simply saw this box as "asking for it." We happily added questions that could be legitimate for some, but to us sounded ludicrous such as "Is it wrong to sleep naked?" "What do I do if I have a sex dream?" and "I know passionate kissing is wrong, but what about biting?" With sly grins on our faces, we added the questions to the box, thinking that they would be sifted through before the lesson and the proper questions would be addressed. Not so.
On the day of the dreaded chastity talk, I saw the box sitting there near the pulpit, looking innocent and unopened. Oh the secrets it held! The bishop began the lesson with the appropriate amount of seriousness and then went for the box. He opened it, grabbed out the handful of questions, and went from there. I gripped the edge of my seat. No... he couldn't. He wouldn't just answer ALL the questions, would he? I looked over at my roommate, who knew what I'd done. She turned red. I put my hand over my mouth to stifle laughter and horror. He was answering my questions! And in case you were wondering, here's the verdict. Sleeping naked=nope. As his wife delicately added to his response "you never know if your roommates might be gay." Well, so much for that one. As for sex dreams, he said not to dwell on them, but since dreaming is involuntary, we get off the hook for that one. Whew! Passionate kissing is of course a no, but with the addition of biting, a definite no. I think I knew that one. But my questions paled in comparison to some others, which I won't mention. I think we all left the room red-faced that day, bishop included.
The point of that story was not that questions are bad or that chastity lessons are to be made fun of. I think the point is that chastity is so personal and yet so clearly defined by the Lord that sometimes those kinds of discussions open up a can of worms instead of strengthening our resolve to do better. So, what can be done to strengthen young adults who have heard the entire gamut of what not to do? Does it even help to recount the sins we might commit? I like what King Benjamin said about sin: "I cannot tell you all the things whereby ye may commit sin; for there are divers ways and means, even so many that I cannot number them" (Mosiah 4:29). But he continues "this much I can tell you, that if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God, and continue in the faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish. And now, O man, remember, and perish not" (vs. 30). He says this after a very straightforward talk that was not meant to "trifle" with words. He wanted them to understand the importance of the atonement in their lives. That is what I hope would be the focus of any chastity-oriented discussion in the Church.
And on a more personal note, to be completely honest, chastity discussions can become very frustrating for young single adults who are constantly reminded of the things we can't do, instead of the things we can do. Many of us long to have families, not just sex, and we want to have the joy of raising children in a righteous family. The pervasive lustful desires of younger years have faded quite a bit, and what remains is a stronger desire to surround ourselves with the ones we love.
I would hope that in the future our leaders will see that we're trying. Yes, there will be some who fail to grasp the importance of the covenants they've made and will make mistakes. There will always be mistakes, but that is all the reason more to preach the atonement and hope instead of condemnation and shame. The Lord wants us to succeed. He loves us and believes that we can become like Him. We need to see this potential in ourselves. That is the greatest strength against temptation and sin that I can think of.
