My 2011 report card

Successes:

1. Getting a job that is challenging and enjoyable to me (driving a school bus!)
2. Selling my car and eliminating car payments and paying less for gas
3. Becoming more financially stable
4. Learning a lot about relationships
5. Making some new friends
6. Gaining new skills and improving on others: horseback riding, driving a bus, roller skating, sewing, teaching…
7. Feeling happier

Last year I said that I most regretted:

• My financial decisions. Buying a car that was too expensive last year and shopping too frequently for things that I don't need has left me feeling frustrated.

Not true anymore!

• My attitude regarding relationships. I haven't been this closed off for some time. I've been unfriendly at times, critical, and just unavailable, even to people close to me.

Also not true! I’ve dated a few people and had good and varied experiences doing so. I don’t regret spending time with the men that I’ve met and I’m happy to say that most are now my friends.

• My lack of diligence. I haven't been very attentive to people that I care about and I've let a lot of important things slide. I include my willingness to do my calling at church in this category and the depth of my scripture study. I just feel lazy.

Kind of not true. I still need to be better about scripture study and visiting teaching, but I do feel like I’m doing my best as a gospel doctrine teacher and I enjoy working at the temple. I’ve been trying to keep contact with dear friends and I’ve been okay about that too.

Now for the rundown of last year’s resolutions… *cringe*

Here’s my grading system:

Well done!

You’re halfway there. Keep going!

Meh. Try harder.

Last year I tried to...

1. Avoid library or credit card late fees. Keep track of when stuff is due and take care of it on time.

2. Switch scripture study to the morning. I have the time and it needs to be more meaningful.

3. Exercise in the morning as well-- walk or bike 45 minutes.

4. Apply to grad schools by the deadlines in April for this fall.

5. Start meeting new people to date by doing new things, perhaps even online dating... er, we'll see.

6. Ask hard questions, even if the situation is awkward. It's not about confrontation, but communication.

7. Get as much paid off on my credit cards as possible!

8. Sell my car and get rid of that extra payment.

9. Get a more affordable car.

10. Speak less out of anger. Shut my mouth and walk away if I can't do anything positive about the situation.

11. Practice my Russian daily.

12. Practice piano daily.

13. Learn to play some simple songs on the guitar.

14. Get a guitar or borrow one.

15. Continue going to the temple at least weekly.

16. Avoid shopping at all if I don't have money.

17. Be more prayerful. Ask for the things I really need. Give thanks sincerely and frequently.

18. Stop saying unkind things about people. Period.

19. Read more from my personal library of books.

20. Tell people how much they mean to me more often.

21. Say thank you more.

22. Make quilts for each member of my family.

23. Seek out opportunities to see and do new things locally.

24. Write more!

25. Take more responsibility for my decisions.

26. Give away things I don't need.

27. Cut out excuses. Apologize and then say what I will do differently the next time.

28. Wear sexy shoes more often.

29. Take the dogs on more walks.

30. Compliment others more.

31. Smile more.

32. Stop agonizing over past mistakes and embarrassments.

33. Hug people more.

34. Be more polite on the road.

35. Wait my turn and smile when I get there.

All considered, 2011 was a year of realigning priorities, becoming more stable, more confident, and more happy. I wasn't instantly competent at everything I set out to do; I made some dumb mistakes and cried a little about it from time to time, but I kept trying. Overall, I made some headway with new skills and gained some good experience in my work and in relationships. Hopefully 2012 will be even better. New resolutions are on their way...

10 things that need to go in 2012!

This is only my opinion, but here are some things I'd like to get rid of with the new year...

1. Mustaches on anything but a face (a MAN's face)

2. What I like to call the "Eski-HO" look (and Uggs with any outfit, really)

3. Two-tone hair

4. Feathers in hair

5. Anything related to the Kardashians (especially their clothing line!)

6. Still not understanding how to wear pants (get pants that fit!)

7. Not wearing proper pants (tights aren't pants!)

8. Nerd glasses (and while we're at it, Bieber hair!)

9. Jersey Shore (ugh, just be done with it! The tanning, the drunkenness, the

douchbaggery...)

10. Taking "native" style too far

Learning the (unwritten) rules of the game... and then ignoring them completely.

I started this entry before I really thought about it. That never happens, right? It was at first a bit of a rant about why I don't understand the unwritten rules of dating and how I don't even understand my own approach at times. I'll let you read it and then I'll respond to myself:

As a 30 year old woman (I tend to start out talking about most dating subjects this way... maybe I shouldn't), I would like to finally understand "the game." As in, "don't hate the player, hate the game." I have never been able to wrap my mind around the way that most people seem to be able to play this game of chase with all its unwritten rules that is supposed to end in love. I used to claim that I wanted a guy to simply come up to me one day and tell me "Hey, I like you. Let's date." And I would say, "Yes! I'd love that." And we'd date. And it would be awesome. Well, I have to eat my words, because I have never experienced that and even if I did, I would probably find myself less than interested in the guy because he didn't make me want it bad enough. On the other hand, I have no idea how to be the kind of girl that makes guys want it bad enough. As my mom has told me on more than one occasion, I am "too available"... at least when I like a guy.

This places me in the middle of a dichotomy. When I don't like a guy, I inadvertently play hard to get because that is my aim. I do not want to be with him and I dodge his advances, which makes him keep trying. Then I have to tell him the truth, and it hurts me and him.

When I do like a guy, I answer all his texts, phone calls, emails, facebook messages, etc. and I wait for my phone to ring like I'm in front of a microwave with a burrito in it. Then I start to wonder if he's thinking about me. I agonize over everything I say to him and fool myself into thinking I'm being evasive enough by waiting five minutes to answer a text. No, nobody's fooled. At that point I have become the needy girlfriend and as a result, get cut loose soon thereafter. (That is, if I even make it to the girlfriend stage.) If I do, heaven help him. I am a tornado of love. Maybe a monsoon. I was told once by an ex, that I am now friends with, that I am a "sunshiney steamroller." He understands my approach now and tried to tell me many times when we were together that it was too much, but I could not be bridled. I was wildly in love with him.

Now I cycle between these two scenarios:

I meet a guy. I like him a lot right away. I start saying too much and doing too much and then... it's over.

OR

I meet a guy. I don't like him right away. I give it a week or two to see what happens. He likes me more than I like him. I try to let him down easy. And I'm never really sure if I do.

Is there a third scenario that I am lacking? Is there a way to ease into a relationship even though I have already decided I like someone quite a bit? You see, this is my challenge. My decisiveness. Once I have decided I like a guy, it's on. It's almost like a death sentence. Not for him, for me. No one likes that kind of pressure looming over them and no matter how hard I try to seem nonchalant, I AM NOT. I'm just not a very subtle girl. In my history of relationships, I tend to be the one who kisses first. I even say "I like you" and the dreaded "I love you" first. Why do I do this? Maybe it's because I'm a control freak and I unconsciously feel compelled to push a relationship along instead of letting it happen. It might stem from fear, but it also might be as straightforward as just being excited and gushing a bit too much.

Okay, this is where I stopped myself. This was becoming a thought spiral. It's one of those moments when thinking about something over and over does nothing but make me feel like I'm losing touch with myself and that maybe I'm a little crazy. But I'm not. I'm very perceptive and self-aware. I recently read an article that might seem kind of unrelated, but I'm going to reference it because it's what too many women tell themselves. We dismiss our feelings with the blanket statement that "we're crazy" and downplay how we feel. The author points out how many women accept statements from other people that lead them to believe that their feelings aren't very important and that they are constantly overreacting. In fact, most women have experienced this so often that we don't need anyone to tell us how off-base we are anymore. We'll do it to ourselves.

This leads me back to what I started to write. I started to dissect myself again and point out all my flaws in how I approach relationships. Am I really that bad? Do I really not know how to express my feelings properly? I know I care and I know that my approach doesn't work for everyone. But it doesn't have to. It's okay to like someone and for those feelings not to be reciprocated. That means it's time to move on. It's also okay for someone to like you and for those feelings not to be returned. They'll learn to move on as well. Hopefully we'll keep doing this until we find the one who wants to stick around. I always say it's a miracle to meet someone who likes you at the same time and with the same intensity that you like them. It's so rare and so wonderful that it's worth all the moments when you wish you could quit. That's my conclusion. I'm not crazy, I'm just not in love right now. I'm still looking, but not searching. My eyes are open, but not focused only on the goal. It makes it hard to see what else is out there. It's kind of refreshing to have an open horizon for once in a long time. It's a good place to be at with the coming of a new year.

I know this post wasn't related to Christmas in any way, but I do want to say MERRY CHRISTMAS to my few readers! You are loved. You are not crazy. Enjoy the season!

Gratitude continued...

Henry B. Eyring's article in the most recent Ensign magazine has added a new layer of thought to what I previously wrote on gratitude. Check it out here: http://lds.org/liahona/2011/12/the-choice-to-be-grateful?lang=eng

At the end of the article was an activity called the "Gratitude Challenge." I accept!

1. Write 10 physical abilities you are grateful for.
I am grateful I can listen to music, dance, make good food, taste food, see beautiful things, read, reach out to others and hug them, write how I feel, walk as far as I need to go, and touch my toes.

2. Write 10 material possessions you are grateful for.
I am grateful for my soft, warm bed, the clothes I have to wear, my shoes to keep my feet dry, a car to get me to work, books to read, music to listen to, food to eat, the scriptures to inspire me, a computer to write these words, and a TV to watch ElF on (which is what I'm doing right now).

3. Write 10 living people you are grateful for.
I am grateful for my parents (that's two), my siblings (that's three), their spouses (two more), my good friends (that's more than the rest!)... and many, many more people who make my life worth living.

4. Write 10 deceased people you are grateful for.
I am grateful for my Savior who has done everything for me, President Hinckley for being a wise, kind prophet, Mormon for putting together the Book of Mormon, Moroni for preserving it for us, Joseph Smith for asking with sincerity, and some of my favorite authors: Leo Tolstoy, Aleksandr Pushkin, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Roald Dahl, and even though I don't know most of their names, all my ancestors who have made it possible for me to be here.

5. Write 10 things about nature you are grateful for.
I am grateful for the beautiful greenery in Oregon, the mountains in Utah, the sunrise and sunset (which I get to see most days as a school bus driver), hiking in the mountains, the warm ocean in Hawaii and the soft sand, thunder and lightning (when I'm indoors!), taking a horse on a trail ride, and watching animals in their natural settings.

6. Write 10 things about today you are grateful for.
I am grateful today was the last day of work before Christmas break, I did my route today with no problems, I drove young mothers with children today, I saw a beautiful sunrise and sunset, I had delicious ham and potatoes for lunch (provided by work), I went shopping with a friend who was very patient with me, I have a kind mother who washed my sheets after my dog peed on them!, I was able to give some small gifts to coworkers, I found a copy of a book I didn't know existed by a favorite author of mine (and it was autographed!), I found a cute skirt on sale, and I took a nap. I know that's more than ten.

7. Write 10 places on earth you are grateful for.
I am grateful for the cities I lived in in Ukraine, Portland, Oregon!, the top of the Arc de Triomphe in Paris where I watched a beautiful sunset, the view from the top of any hike I've ever done (especially Tom, Dick, and Harry ridge in the MT. Hood wilderness), a little place called Provo, Utah (especially the house I lived in on 500E), the Writing Fellows office on BYU campus, Eastmoreland Park, the West Linn library, the Portland, Oregon temple, my bedroom (I've lived in it off and on since I was 16)... and I visit these places often in my mind.

8. Write 10 modern inventions you are grateful for.
I am grateful for washing machines, cars, the internets, anything that plays music, roller skates, toasters, Kitchen Aid mixers, hot showers, feminine sanitary items, underwire bras...

9. Write 10 foods you are grateful for.
I am so grateful for turkey and cranberry, Hawaiian pizza, kalua pig with rice and macaroni salad, the McDouble mini meal, the crunchwrap, hot buttered toast, ambrosia salad with green jell-o, the temple cheese rolls, sushi, and instant maple Cream of Wheat.

10. Write 10 things about the gospel you are grateful for.
I am grateful that the gospel gives me hope, helps me to be more humble, teaches me to reach out to others, reminds me to be thankful for my Savior, helps me to know what I really need, gives me the opportunity to teach others and share my beliefs, shows me what love really is, allows me to be with my family forever, helps me to discipline my body, teaches me to enjoy every day.