keeps going.

Выхожу один я на дорогу,
Сквозь туман кремистый путь блестит,
Ночь тиха. Пустыня внемлет Богу,
И звезда с звездою говорит.

В небесах торжественно и чудно,
Спит земля в сиянье голубом...
Что же мне так больно и так трудно,
Жду ль чего? Жалею ли о чём?

Уж не жду от жизни ничего я,
И не жаль мне прошлого ничуть,
Я ищу свободы и покоя!
Я б хотел забыться и заснуть!

Но не тем холодным сном могилы,
Я б желал навеки так заснуть,
Чтоб в груди дремали жизни силы,
Чтоб, дыша, вздымалась тихо грудь.

Чтоб всю ночь, весь день мой слух лелея,
Про любовь мне сладкий голос пел,
Надо мной чтоб, вечно зеленея,
Тёмный дуб склонялся и шумел.

I walk out alone upon my way
Through the gloom the cobble-stone path glimmers.
Night is silent while the desert prays
But a pair of stars exchanges faint murmurs.

In the awesome heavens all is peaceful
And the earth dreams, bathed in blue resplendence.
Why is this, my path, so hard and painful?
Why do I wait? Must I feel repentance?

No, the past has nothing worth my pity
There is nothing to expect from living.
I seek only freedom and serenity
And to drift off toward eternal dreaming.

My desire is not the grave's cold sleeping,
But I wish to spend forever drowsing
So life's forces in my breast are dreaming
And that filled with my breath, my breast is rising.

And a sweet voice singing love songs o'er me,
Day and night enchantingly serenading.
And a dark oak arches high above me
With its everlasting green leaves rustling.

Mikhail Lermontov


The first time I read this poem I thought it was depressing. Another one of Lermontov's angsty pleas for his life to end and all the pain he feels to pass. That might have been his motivation to write it, or it might not have. Regardless, it takes on a new meaning for me now. The imagery of walking on a moonlit path in life seems applicable. The path is lit, but just barely. Why does this life seem so difficult when we are promised peace in the next? I don't feel restless about my life at this point, but I don't know exactly where it is going. Why do we have to wait? Why must we feel guilt or pain? Because we're learning. I used to think that God was constantly knocking me off of my feet in order to teach me a lesson. I thought it was unkind that I was always uncomfortable and that I could never fully learn something before I had to move on to something else. Well, that's faith. If I feel too comfortable about my path, that is a sign that I am wandering off to the side where I can take a rest. If I think I know where I am going, I am usually wrong. Not in a bad way, wrong doesn't always equal something terrible. It just equals something different.

While Lermontov said that he can expect nothing from life, I want to modify that and say I can't expect anything specific from life, but I can expect joy and pain. I can expect to grow and become the person I need to be if I keep going when it's hard and when it's easy. This isn't especially eloquent, but I like to remind myself that the sum of my life is each day.

just signed my life away.

I have now entered the world of LSAT! I just went to my first test prep class and I'm about to face the wild beast... my first practice test is this Saturday. I hope I don't get below a 140. Pray for me!

is Stranger than Fiction.

I just watched Stranger than Fiction tonight with my bffs. It had one of the most ingenious plots out of all the movies I've seen this year. I also was intrigued by the plot in Casino Royale, but I won't blog about it. It was just a good action film for once that wasn't entirely cheapened by typical Bond indiscretions. Well, maybe I should take that back. But it is the best Bond film so far, I believe (and I'll probably get screamed at for that). Anyhow, I thoroughly enjoyed Stranger than Fiction and even loved the message that it portrayed. I couldn't decide who had the bigger realization, Harold Crick or Kay Eiffel. Both realized something about the power they possess in this life. Harold believed that life was prescriptive. He reveled in safety and order, never stepping out of the bounds he set for himself. He didn't allow himself to dream and when he found himself experiencing something out of the ordinary, he believed that he was going crazy. I loved the awkward declaration of his interest in Ana Pascal- "I want you." The quiet realization of his life's dreams was wonderful as well as his selfless sacrifice that he believed would lead to his inevitable end. In contrast to Harold's innocence, Kay was so jaded about life that she imagined the best ending to every book she'd ever written was an untimely death. Her research led her to be insensitive to the suffering of others as she scoured the hospital for people who weren't just sick, but dying in order to provide her with inspiration for her latest book. Then in unlikely ways, both Kay and Harold realized that life is about reaching out to others and changing things that they were comfortable with: anonymity, order (in Harold's case), and hopelessness. I have already posted about this, but I will say it again, life exists to reach out to others. Without the connections that we make in this life, our existence is meaningless. Alone, we are nothing. It is not that relationships define us, but our willingness to participate in life makes everything worthwhile, even the hard parts. We love, lose, mourn, comfort, celebrate, encourage, and do countless other things with other people. They all require someone else to share the experience with. I am not preaching that everyone should find someone and settle down in order to find meaning in life, that is a painful and even harmful BYU solution. But we should not be afraid to break the boundaries of our lives. We set them and too often we allow them to control ourselves. I also realized that sometimes we need catalysts in our lives to cause these realizations, like Ana who forces Harold to eat his first homemade cookie, sometimes we don't know what we are missing out on and we need a friend to open our eyes, "Did you like the cookies?... Yes, thank you for forcing me to eat them." I love those who have taken the time to slowly pry my eyes open and are patient with me as I realize the possibilities that life holds.

is seeking understanding.

So few people ever read my blog that I feel it is a safe environment to discuss my current thoughts about a struggle that I have recently discovered a couple of my best friends deal with. I don't want to be overly candid or tip-toe around the subject because it shouldn't be that way. I don't wish for it to be and I hope that someday it can be discussed with greater compassion and understanding. The challenge is same-gender attraction. When my friend told me about his struggle, I didn't know how to feel. I was numb. I sobbed and told him that I felt like this challenge was so cruel and unfair. I told him that I didn't want him to be alone in this life. I didn't understand how I should react because I had never heard someone admit this to me before in my life. I felt that the situation was somehow hopeless. I am so glad that I understand more now. Some of my first words after this moment of reality struck were:

"the words [we spoke]... are a mass of frustration, sobbing, and pain... I was shocked. I can hardly explain how I feel right now. It doesn't seem real to me."

A couple days later I wrote "I am trying to have more charity and forget about my pain... The lessons I am learning about life right now are so crucial. I don't know why I am so compelled to understand the true nature of love, but I guess it is the most important of all God's commandments- love one another."

My last entry about my friend reads "I accept him as he is and recognize now what my place is- to simply love him. What else can I do for anyone? I can serve them and love them, there is nothing greater and sometimes it's hard because it doesn't produce the results that I wish it would, but true service does not seek those ends. Service and love just are, that's all. The whole experience has helped me realize that a person is not defined by what they struggle with. He is not defined by his same-gender attraction... I feel like I have just been in a very perception-altering situation and for me it was. I see life in a new way. I see that every person has challenges. What they are and how they deal with them varies. My role is to 'have insights to others lives' not to judge, but to serve them as I 'recognize their needs, their desires, their hopes' (quoted from my patriarchal blessing). That does not give me leeway to define them and imagine that I can judge. I cannot. Only the Lord knows the hearts of men."

I love the men in my life who deal with this challenge. I have already gained so much understanding through my friendships with them. And aside from these realizations, they are simply good people. I love being around them. Their strength and courage astounds me and strengthens me. I pray that I may never make a disparaging remark about anyone ever again who struggles with, really, any challenge in life. My duty, and my joy, is to love those who I have the opportunity to build relationships with in this life. I am so thankful for this realization.