My 2011 report card

Successes:

1. Getting a job that is challenging and enjoyable to me (driving a school bus!)
2. Selling my car and eliminating car payments and paying less for gas
3. Becoming more financially stable
4. Learning a lot about relationships
5. Making some new friends
6. Gaining new skills and improving on others: horseback riding, driving a bus, roller skating, sewing, teaching…
7. Feeling happier

Last year I said that I most regretted:

• My financial decisions. Buying a car that was too expensive last year and shopping too frequently for things that I don't need has left me feeling frustrated.

Not true anymore!

• My attitude regarding relationships. I haven't been this closed off for some time. I've been unfriendly at times, critical, and just unavailable, even to people close to me.

Also not true! I’ve dated a few people and had good and varied experiences doing so. I don’t regret spending time with the men that I’ve met and I’m happy to say that most are now my friends.

• My lack of diligence. I haven't been very attentive to people that I care about and I've let a lot of important things slide. I include my willingness to do my calling at church in this category and the depth of my scripture study. I just feel lazy.

Kind of not true. I still need to be better about scripture study and visiting teaching, but I do feel like I’m doing my best as a gospel doctrine teacher and I enjoy working at the temple. I’ve been trying to keep contact with dear friends and I’ve been okay about that too.

Now for the rundown of last year’s resolutions… *cringe*

Here’s my grading system:

Well done!

You’re halfway there. Keep going!

Meh. Try harder.

Last year I tried to...

1. Avoid library or credit card late fees. Keep track of when stuff is due and take care of it on time.

2. Switch scripture study to the morning. I have the time and it needs to be more meaningful.

3. Exercise in the morning as well-- walk or bike 45 minutes.

4. Apply to grad schools by the deadlines in April for this fall.

5. Start meeting new people to date by doing new things, perhaps even online dating... er, we'll see.

6. Ask hard questions, even if the situation is awkward. It's not about confrontation, but communication.

7. Get as much paid off on my credit cards as possible!

8. Sell my car and get rid of that extra payment.

9. Get a more affordable car.

10. Speak less out of anger. Shut my mouth and walk away if I can't do anything positive about the situation.

11. Practice my Russian daily.

12. Practice piano daily.

13. Learn to play some simple songs on the guitar.

14. Get a guitar or borrow one.

15. Continue going to the temple at least weekly.

16. Avoid shopping at all if I don't have money.

17. Be more prayerful. Ask for the things I really need. Give thanks sincerely and frequently.

18. Stop saying unkind things about people. Period.

19. Read more from my personal library of books.

20. Tell people how much they mean to me more often.

21. Say thank you more.

22. Make quilts for each member of my family.

23. Seek out opportunities to see and do new things locally.

24. Write more!

25. Take more responsibility for my decisions.

26. Give away things I don't need.

27. Cut out excuses. Apologize and then say what I will do differently the next time.

28. Wear sexy shoes more often.

29. Take the dogs on more walks.

30. Compliment others more.

31. Smile more.

32. Stop agonizing over past mistakes and embarrassments.

33. Hug people more.

34. Be more polite on the road.

35. Wait my turn and smile when I get there.

All considered, 2011 was a year of realigning priorities, becoming more stable, more confident, and more happy. I wasn't instantly competent at everything I set out to do; I made some dumb mistakes and cried a little about it from time to time, but I kept trying. Overall, I made some headway with new skills and gained some good experience in my work and in relationships. Hopefully 2012 will be even better. New resolutions are on their way...

10 things that need to go in 2012!

This is only my opinion, but here are some things I'd like to get rid of with the new year...

1. Mustaches on anything but a face (a MAN's face)

2. What I like to call the "Eski-HO" look (and Uggs with any outfit, really)

3. Two-tone hair

4. Feathers in hair

5. Anything related to the Kardashians (especially their clothing line!)

6. Still not understanding how to wear pants (get pants that fit!)

7. Not wearing proper pants (tights aren't pants!)

8. Nerd glasses (and while we're at it, Bieber hair!)

9. Jersey Shore (ugh, just be done with it! The tanning, the drunkenness, the

douchbaggery...)

10. Taking "native" style too far

Learning the (unwritten) rules of the game... and then ignoring them completely.

I started this entry before I really thought about it. That never happens, right? It was at first a bit of a rant about why I don't understand the unwritten rules of dating and how I don't even understand my own approach at times. I'll let you read it and then I'll respond to myself:

As a 30 year old woman (I tend to start out talking about most dating subjects this way... maybe I shouldn't), I would like to finally understand "the game." As in, "don't hate the player, hate the game." I have never been able to wrap my mind around the way that most people seem to be able to play this game of chase with all its unwritten rules that is supposed to end in love. I used to claim that I wanted a guy to simply come up to me one day and tell me "Hey, I like you. Let's date." And I would say, "Yes! I'd love that." And we'd date. And it would be awesome. Well, I have to eat my words, because I have never experienced that and even if I did, I would probably find myself less than interested in the guy because he didn't make me want it bad enough. On the other hand, I have no idea how to be the kind of girl that makes guys want it bad enough. As my mom has told me on more than one occasion, I am "too available"... at least when I like a guy.

This places me in the middle of a dichotomy. When I don't like a guy, I inadvertently play hard to get because that is my aim. I do not want to be with him and I dodge his advances, which makes him keep trying. Then I have to tell him the truth, and it hurts me and him.

When I do like a guy, I answer all his texts, phone calls, emails, facebook messages, etc. and I wait for my phone to ring like I'm in front of a microwave with a burrito in it. Then I start to wonder if he's thinking about me. I agonize over everything I say to him and fool myself into thinking I'm being evasive enough by waiting five minutes to answer a text. No, nobody's fooled. At that point I have become the needy girlfriend and as a result, get cut loose soon thereafter. (That is, if I even make it to the girlfriend stage.) If I do, heaven help him. I am a tornado of love. Maybe a monsoon. I was told once by an ex, that I am now friends with, that I am a "sunshiney steamroller." He understands my approach now and tried to tell me many times when we were together that it was too much, but I could not be bridled. I was wildly in love with him.

Now I cycle between these two scenarios:

I meet a guy. I like him a lot right away. I start saying too much and doing too much and then... it's over.

OR

I meet a guy. I don't like him right away. I give it a week or two to see what happens. He likes me more than I like him. I try to let him down easy. And I'm never really sure if I do.

Is there a third scenario that I am lacking? Is there a way to ease into a relationship even though I have already decided I like someone quite a bit? You see, this is my challenge. My decisiveness. Once I have decided I like a guy, it's on. It's almost like a death sentence. Not for him, for me. No one likes that kind of pressure looming over them and no matter how hard I try to seem nonchalant, I AM NOT. I'm just not a very subtle girl. In my history of relationships, I tend to be the one who kisses first. I even say "I like you" and the dreaded "I love you" first. Why do I do this? Maybe it's because I'm a control freak and I unconsciously feel compelled to push a relationship along instead of letting it happen. It might stem from fear, but it also might be as straightforward as just being excited and gushing a bit too much.

Okay, this is where I stopped myself. This was becoming a thought spiral. It's one of those moments when thinking about something over and over does nothing but make me feel like I'm losing touch with myself and that maybe I'm a little crazy. But I'm not. I'm very perceptive and self-aware. I recently read an article that might seem kind of unrelated, but I'm going to reference it because it's what too many women tell themselves. We dismiss our feelings with the blanket statement that "we're crazy" and downplay how we feel. The author points out how many women accept statements from other people that lead them to believe that their feelings aren't very important and that they are constantly overreacting. In fact, most women have experienced this so often that we don't need anyone to tell us how off-base we are anymore. We'll do it to ourselves.

This leads me back to what I started to write. I started to dissect myself again and point out all my flaws in how I approach relationships. Am I really that bad? Do I really not know how to express my feelings properly? I know I care and I know that my approach doesn't work for everyone. But it doesn't have to. It's okay to like someone and for those feelings not to be reciprocated. That means it's time to move on. It's also okay for someone to like you and for those feelings not to be returned. They'll learn to move on as well. Hopefully we'll keep doing this until we find the one who wants to stick around. I always say it's a miracle to meet someone who likes you at the same time and with the same intensity that you like them. It's so rare and so wonderful that it's worth all the moments when you wish you could quit. That's my conclusion. I'm not crazy, I'm just not in love right now. I'm still looking, but not searching. My eyes are open, but not focused only on the goal. It makes it hard to see what else is out there. It's kind of refreshing to have an open horizon for once in a long time. It's a good place to be at with the coming of a new year.

I know this post wasn't related to Christmas in any way, but I do want to say MERRY CHRISTMAS to my few readers! You are loved. You are not crazy. Enjoy the season!

Gratitude continued...

Henry B. Eyring's article in the most recent Ensign magazine has added a new layer of thought to what I previously wrote on gratitude. Check it out here: http://lds.org/liahona/2011/12/the-choice-to-be-grateful?lang=eng

At the end of the article was an activity called the "Gratitude Challenge." I accept!

1. Write 10 physical abilities you are grateful for.
I am grateful I can listen to music, dance, make good food, taste food, see beautiful things, read, reach out to others and hug them, write how I feel, walk as far as I need to go, and touch my toes.

2. Write 10 material possessions you are grateful for.
I am grateful for my soft, warm bed, the clothes I have to wear, my shoes to keep my feet dry, a car to get me to work, books to read, music to listen to, food to eat, the scriptures to inspire me, a computer to write these words, and a TV to watch ElF on (which is what I'm doing right now).

3. Write 10 living people you are grateful for.
I am grateful for my parents (that's two), my siblings (that's three), their spouses (two more), my good friends (that's more than the rest!)... and many, many more people who make my life worth living.

4. Write 10 deceased people you are grateful for.
I am grateful for my Savior who has done everything for me, President Hinckley for being a wise, kind prophet, Mormon for putting together the Book of Mormon, Moroni for preserving it for us, Joseph Smith for asking with sincerity, and some of my favorite authors: Leo Tolstoy, Aleksandr Pushkin, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Roald Dahl, and even though I don't know most of their names, all my ancestors who have made it possible for me to be here.

5. Write 10 things about nature you are grateful for.
I am grateful for the beautiful greenery in Oregon, the mountains in Utah, the sunrise and sunset (which I get to see most days as a school bus driver), hiking in the mountains, the warm ocean in Hawaii and the soft sand, thunder and lightning (when I'm indoors!), taking a horse on a trail ride, and watching animals in their natural settings.

6. Write 10 things about today you are grateful for.
I am grateful today was the last day of work before Christmas break, I did my route today with no problems, I drove young mothers with children today, I saw a beautiful sunrise and sunset, I had delicious ham and potatoes for lunch (provided by work), I went shopping with a friend who was very patient with me, I have a kind mother who washed my sheets after my dog peed on them!, I was able to give some small gifts to coworkers, I found a copy of a book I didn't know existed by a favorite author of mine (and it was autographed!), I found a cute skirt on sale, and I took a nap. I know that's more than ten.

7. Write 10 places on earth you are grateful for.
I am grateful for the cities I lived in in Ukraine, Portland, Oregon!, the top of the Arc de Triomphe in Paris where I watched a beautiful sunset, the view from the top of any hike I've ever done (especially Tom, Dick, and Harry ridge in the MT. Hood wilderness), a little place called Provo, Utah (especially the house I lived in on 500E), the Writing Fellows office on BYU campus, Eastmoreland Park, the West Linn library, the Portland, Oregon temple, my bedroom (I've lived in it off and on since I was 16)... and I visit these places often in my mind.

8. Write 10 modern inventions you are grateful for.
I am grateful for washing machines, cars, the internets, anything that plays music, roller skates, toasters, Kitchen Aid mixers, hot showers, feminine sanitary items, underwire bras...

9. Write 10 foods you are grateful for.
I am so grateful for turkey and cranberry, Hawaiian pizza, kalua pig with rice and macaroni salad, the McDouble mini meal, the crunchwrap, hot buttered toast, ambrosia salad with green jell-o, the temple cheese rolls, sushi, and instant maple Cream of Wheat.

10. Write 10 things about the gospel you are grateful for.
I am grateful that the gospel gives me hope, helps me to be more humble, teaches me to reach out to others, reminds me to be thankful for my Savior, helps me to know what I really need, gives me the opportunity to teach others and share my beliefs, shows me what love really is, allows me to be with my family forever, helps me to discipline my body, teaches me to enjoy every day.

The cure for fear is gratitude

"Ironically enough, in the same way that fear brings to pass what one is afraid of, likewise a forced intention makes impossible what one forcibly wishes... Pleasure is, and must remain, a side-effect or by-product, and is destroyed and spoiled to the degree to which it is made a goal in itself." ― Viktor E. Frankl

Fear is a selfish feeling. It is the opposite of gratitude. I've been coming to terms with the anxiety that seizes me, inexplicably at times. It often manifests itself when changes are taking place in my life, when big decisions need to be made, and when relationships are being formed, along with other stresses. At this time in my life, almost all of these conditions are present and so I've found myself struggling with the fears that grip me in the midst of great blessings. I get frustrated with myself and I wish I had a switch I could flip off to quell the fear. It makes me want to call myself crazy or neurotic and yet I know my intentions are good. So, what makes me scared? And, more importantly, what can I do to have courage and enjoy life?

I believe that fear often comes from selfishness and it is a faith issue. When I am scared I know that feeling comes from the fear that my deepest desires will be left unfulfilled. Do I believe the Lord when He tells us repeatedly "Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you"? The truth is, most of the time I do, but sometimes I falter. I am so grateful for the kind people who remind me of who I really am and what I am capable of. In my times of need I have had friends reassure me of my strength and share their wisdom with me. They are answers to my prayers.

The answer to fear is simple in expression, but complicated to execute. It is simply gratitude. Instead of worrying about my own needs being met, I can reach out to others and stop focusing on what I perceive as missing from my life. In reality, as long as I'm seeing the holes in my life, I will not see what is actually present. There will never be enough for me if I am never satisfied. Viktor Frankl more eloquently said:

"Don't aim at success. The more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one's personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it. I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge. Then you will live to see that in the long-run - in the long-run, I say! - success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think about it."

I'll admit, this has been somewhat of a gripe for me. Why must I deny what I am seeking in order to find it? The same goes for relationships. As soon as I look for love, I find disappointment, but when it comes to me unsought I can appreciate it more fully because I have experienced a single life and embraced it. I'm not saying I'm good at this yet, because I'm not, but at least I know what I should do. I should allow myself to love without fear and enjoy the process instead of fearing the end from the beginning, which is a self-fulfilling prophesy.

I need to apply this principle to something I have already accomplished. This summer, for example, I was learning how to drive a school bus: a giant, yellow, 14-ton-machine that does not operate in the same way a car works. I'll admit, it scared me a little to drive one at first, but I didn't picture myself failing. I took it on as a challenging project and I believed I was capable of accomplishing the task. At one point in my training, I was pulled aside by my trainer and told that I was coming along more slowly than others. She was concerned that I wouldn't be able to fully realize my goal of becoming certified. Her confidence in my ability was shaken by my slow progress and it affected my performance for a good week or two. I shouldn't have allowed that criticism to make me doubt myself, but it did for a while. I took my commercial driver's license test the first time and failed it. I went home fearing that I wouldn't be able to continue, although my mistake had been a minor technicality, but then I prayed for help. I focused on my strengths and continued with a smile on my face. The second time I passed. It was a great feeling. Now I can drive without the anxiety I felt then. I enjoy it now. I can focus on attending to the needs of the students because I am past my own fears. The same goes for other fears. When I can get past them, I can attend to the needs of others more effectively. I hope I can always remember this. It doesn't mean that I am always perfect at what I am doing. I hit a telephone pole with my bus a while ago and it shook my confidence, but I didn't quit (and thankfully wasn't fired) and I continue to improve my driving skills.

Fear keeps me from becoming who I am supposed to be. It clouds my perception of myself and others. I am going to do my best to focus on gratitude and be a force for good. I suppose that's a good conclusion to come to on Thanksgiving, right?

Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I am grateful for you in my life. Thank you for listening.

Thoughts on turning 30

It seems that 30 is a turning point for many people. You can panic, deny it, or embrace it. There's no turning back. I suppose it has everything to do with expectations and little to do with an actual number. Truthfully, I haven't put much thought into it and I think that's positive. Sitting down to write this post is the first real thinking I've done and I don't want to over analyze it, like I do with most things. It's just another birthday, nothing to freak out about, right?

I do want to address the idea of expectations, however. At age 30 there seems to be things people, especially women, should have accomplished. Marriage, a career, perhaps children, come to mind. There are also all kinds of modern ideas about what people should have done in their twenties before "settling down." That's all well and good, but I've never felt an intense need to prove that I'm completely living it up as a single person in order to justify the lack of a family, impressive career, and so on. Yes, I will admit that there are things I wish would have happened by this time, but that does not mean that turning 30 marks the end of a marriageable era.

So obviously, 30 is only a mental hurdle. I've actually been using it as a way to dissuade younger men from being interested in me. As in, high school age boys that I drive on the bus. All I have to say is "I'm thirty" and they get a scared look on their faces. I get a kick out of that. As an LDS young single adult, it might also get me the same looks from guys I meet, but I know that guys who have that reaction aren't ones I should be interested in.

I'm going to approach 30 with enthusiasm. I think I've come up with a theme based around a song that always puts a smile on my face. Even the lyrics put me in a positive mood:

I get up, and nothin' gets me down
You got it tough, I've seen the toughest around
And I know, baby, just how you feel
You got to roll with the punches and get to what's real...

One final note, I have a tradition of getting a sexy pair of birthday heels. This year's pick:

Don't be concerned. I will not be dancing to any Van Halen in these shoes.

I can tell that we are going to be friends...

The smell of a school bus is the same as I remember from the last year I rode, which was probably in 1998. School buses used to terrify me in grade school. Not the actual ride, but the part when I had to get off the bus. The anxiety would grip me as my stop came closer. When I got off the bus my main goal was to get home as quickly as I could, avoiding any white, molester-type vans at all costs. I'd forgotten that my neighbors had a white van and one day it turned the corner as I got off the bus. My heart nearly beat out of my chest. I HAD TO GET HOME NOW! My legs went faster than my brain could process and I ended up tripping and falling flat onto my stomach, knocking the wind out of myself. When the van pulled into the driveway behind me I felt pretty sheepish. It still took me years to walk home instead of run.

In Jr. High there was a supremely awkward dance one day and on the way home I sat in the back of the bus, recounting the details with my friend Shawna about how this girl, Dana, couldn't keep her hands off of her boyfriend the whole time. That slut! Just as we were giggling together, Dana leaned her huge, blond, curly head over the seat and looked down on me. I couldn't believe it. She'd heard it all. She said nothing as I launched into a rambling cover-up that no one would believe about how she and her boyfriend were the cutest couple I'd ever seen. She seemed less than satisfied and I turned back around and shut up.

Now I'm a bus driver.

It's been a unique set of circumstances that have led me to this point in my life, but I can say that I'm not unsatisfied. I used to think that a bus driver was about the lowest a person could get, but I was wrong. It is a challenging job that allows me to have positive interaction with young people every day. It's a rare moment that I have to get on the intercom and tell them I'm going to pull the bus over. A smile and a kind word to my students goes a long way. I love the interesting questions I get from students on the way to and from school. I am fascinated by my special needs students and the way they deal with their challenges. I am still perplexed by the way junior high students behave on the bus, but that will probably never change.

I am happy to say that I'm grateful for this time in my life. I never imagined that I would be here, doing what I am doing, but it's good for me. The lessons I am learning in courage, empathy, patience, humor, and many other things related to human behavior have already been very valuable.

A scripture comes to my mind when I ponder my life right now. It is one of my favorites and keeps me grounded. In Doctrine and Covenants 123: 16-17 Joseph Smith gives a metaphor for how we can live with greater faith and hope. Although I am not disappointed with my life, I do need to constantly remind myself that I am doing all that I can to make my life good. Being a bus driver is not glamorous, but it is good. I can be a positive influence in the lives of those youth that I interact with every day. I can do the little things that will inevitably change the direction of my life and make it what the Lord wants it to be.

"You know, brethren, that a very large ship is benefited very much by a very small helm in the time of a storm, by being kept workways with the wind and the waves. Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed."

This may seem incongruous with the ending thought of this post, but I wanted to end with a song. Just picture me behind the wheel, bobbing my head to the White Stripes. :)

It's time to come clean.

Recently I posted a brief comment on facebook that said "chastity talk for the 1,385th time in church today. I think I've got it figured out, thanks" and I was quickly barraged with comments, likes and dislikes. It seems that this topic has been beaten like the dead horse that it is for so many young single adults in the Church and yet, many struggle to abide it's precepts... like every other concept in the gospel. But why is this one so much weightier and so much more difficult to discuss? Because it concerns the creation of life itself, perhaps one of the greatest gifts given to us in this world.

So, I'd like to tell a story and discuss this concept: Chastity. What do young single adults in the church need to hear?

I have a confession. No, it's not for my bishop's ears. It's for yours. I've told this story before, but I think my youthful exploits taught me something interesting... A few years ago at BYU, I had a roommate who was the Relief Society President. And she took her calling seriously. I don't want to defame her character at all, but I'll admit, a 22-year-old Relief Society President has a lot to learn. Each semester we were sat down in our classes, separated by gender, and given the ol' chastity talk. It's an oldie, but a goodie at college, and inescapable in those young student wards. Well, she wanted to make the discussion into a type of open forum for chastity questions and so, with the best of intentions, she placed a shoe box with the top cut open outside our apartment door. It was labeled "chastity box." When I came upon that box after school my eyes lit up like a devious hoodlum and I imagined what it might hold. Then, even better, I imagined what questions I might add to it. I didn't have to look too far for suggestions about what to add to the box. My friends were there to help! We weren't too vindictive; we simply saw this box as "asking for it." We happily added questions that could be legitimate for some, but to us sounded ludicrous such as "Is it wrong to sleep naked?" "What do I do if I have a sex dream?" and "I know passionate kissing is wrong, but what about biting?" With sly grins on our faces, we added the questions to the box, thinking that they would be sifted through before the lesson and the proper questions would be addressed. Not so.

On the day of the dreaded chastity talk, I saw the box sitting there near the pulpit, looking innocent and unopened. Oh the secrets it held! The bishop began the lesson with the appropriate amount of seriousness and then went for the box. He opened it, grabbed out the handful of questions, and went from there. I gripped the edge of my seat. No... he couldn't. He wouldn't just answer ALL the questions, would he? I looked over at my roommate, who knew what I'd done. She turned red. I put my hand over my mouth to stifle laughter and horror. He was answering my questions! And in case you were wondering, here's the verdict. Sleeping naked=nope. As his wife delicately added to his response "you never know if your roommates might be gay." Well, so much for that one. As for sex dreams, he said not to dwell on them, but since dreaming is involuntary, we get off the hook for that one. Whew! Passionate kissing is of course a no, but with the addition of biting, a definite no. I think I knew that one. But my questions paled in comparison to some others, which I won't mention. I think we all left the room red-faced that day, bishop included.

The point of that story was not that questions are bad or that chastity lessons are to be made fun of. I think the point is that chastity is so personal and yet so clearly defined by the Lord that sometimes those kinds of discussions open up a can of worms instead of strengthening our resolve to do better. So, what can be done to strengthen young adults who have heard the entire gamut of what not to do? Does it even help to recount the sins we might commit? I like what King Benjamin said about sin: "I cannot tell you all the things whereby ye may commit sin; for there are divers ways and means, even so many that I cannot number them" (Mosiah 4:29). But he continues "this much I can tell you, that if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God, and continue in the faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish. And now, O man, remember, and perish not" (vs. 30). He says this after a very straightforward talk that was not meant to "trifle" with words. He wanted them to understand the importance of the atonement in their lives. That is what I hope would be the focus of any chastity-oriented discussion in the Church.

And on a more personal note, to be completely honest, chastity discussions can become very frustrating for young single adults who are constantly reminded of the things we can't do, instead of the things we can do. Many of us long to have families, not just sex, and we want to have the joy of raising children in a righteous family. The pervasive lustful desires of younger years have faded quite a bit, and what remains is a stronger desire to surround ourselves with the ones we love.

I would hope that in the future our leaders will see that we're trying. Yes, there will be some who fail to grasp the importance of the covenants they've made and will make mistakes. There will always be mistakes, but that is all the reason more to preach the atonement and hope instead of condemnation and shame. The Lord wants us to succeed. He loves us and believes that we can become like Him. We need to see this potential in ourselves. That is the greatest strength against temptation and sin that I can think of.

Robert+Patty=JOY!

The Band of Joy

A pair of tickets had been sitting on my desk since earlier this year. It never quite seemed real that I would actually get to use them and go see one of my music idols, Robert Plant. This performance was definitely worthy of holy week, if I can say that without being too blasphemous. I was amazed at how nostalgic I felt for something I was never around to experience: the whole Led Zeppelin era, that is. I also enjoy Robert Plant's new music a lot as well and it has been eye-opening to see him take on such challenging and diverse projects. I've been a fan of Patty Griffin for a few years now, and the pairing between Robert and Patty was well-matched. I don't want to use any words like "magical" because in my mind, Robert could make almost anything work, and what he had with Zeppelin WAS magical. So now I think he's aging gracefully, remembering where he came from, but also allowing himself to explore new musical possibilities. In comparison with some of the older acts who keep pounding out albums and touring endlessly, sometimes it seems masochistic that they force themselves to relive the early years over and over again, without the comfort of youth or drugs to get them through it. I am proud of Robert for allowing himself to put that part of his life to rest. He seems truly happy and fulfilled through his music now and it comes through while he's performing. I couldn't help but feel that joy.

The highlights of the show for me were undeniably the new takes on old Zeppelin classics, probably because I am much more familiar with them, and I love the new energy behind them. As much as I enjoy Black Dog in its raw form, circa 1971, this older, polished version was... beautiful? It seems strange to say that, but it was. I couldn't have been more excited for Tangerine, Houses of the Holy, and the finale, Ramble On, which is undoubtedly my favorite Zep song. The whole performance was completely engaging and I wished I could have seen his facial expressions a bit closer, because he really puts himself completely into his music and it shows. I'm not much of a concert reviewer because I can't nitpick over something that I love this much, so I'll just end with that. It was wonderful.

Robert Plant and Patty Griffin

Dissecting love

When I was in 7th grade and we were dissecting a sheep's heart, I was the only one willing to make that first incision and wiggle my finger in the largest artery. After that it was chaos. I think pieces of the sheep's heart ended up on the classroom ceiling. I'm usually not the kind to jump into such a gruesome task, but if someone has to be first and there are no volunteers, I'll usually go ahead and do it, gloves or no gloves.

I wish this were my approach to relationships. As in, I wish I were more willing to take risks. Er, maybe it's a bad metaphor. Three months ago I think I was the most shut down about love that I have been in quite some time. Things have changed since then. I was in a short-lived relationship, but the result did not cause me to shut down again, which I'm grateful for. And it is a choice too; I know this now. I think it's more than okay to recognize that someone is a good person, but not THE person for you. It's okay to have different goals and see that it would cause conflict down the road and stop there, instead of getting in too deep. In fact, I think I'll make a list right now, since I'm in a good mindset, of the things I've learned in the past couple years about relationships:

1. Love is a choice, BUT...

2. Attraction is an inexplicable thing, and an important thing, not to be compromised on

3. Friendship is absolutely necessary, and it's possible to become friends fast, but it takes a while to really know someone

4. Men have to make the first move or they don't want what they're after bad enough

5. Men don't have to like everything I like or dance well or even dress well

6. Willingness is key in a relationship. If it's there, the possibilities are endless...

7. Reciprocation is also key. If it's there, you both will never want for affection, if not, you'll always be lonely

8. Talking is important, but so is kissing ;)

9. A man can take care of himself, but recognizes that he doesn't necessarily want to all the time

10. If you think you can do everything on your own, you might be right, but it's pretty lonely after a while

11. Money manners are important. You don't have to be rich, but don't act like you're poor

12. Men should absolutely open doors and pay for things

13. Physical affection is a poor substitute for lack of compatibility

14. Love should bring peace, not anxiety

15. If love songs make you sad when you're in a relationship, you aren't happy

16. Love isn't hoping for someone to finally make a certain change before you can hand them your heart

17. If he can't see your possibilities or you can't see his, find the person who can

18. Let go of preconceived notions of what he should look like

19. Find a person who makes you laugh hard

20. 99% of the time it won't work out, but you only need one person to love you for good

How to get out of the life raft when your Titanic sinks

I skipped the celebration of my 200th post. It's okay, I didn't feel like I had much to say about it except that it happened. Yay for 200 posts, even though it took me about three years to do it. :)

But that aside, there is plenty of time for celebration later, let's focus on the big issues. I want to talk about the status of my heart, relationship-wise, I guess. As my mom likes to say, "here's the deal": I'm frustrated with myself. Without meaning to, I have built up a pretty impressive wall to keep myself from getting hurt again and I'm having a tough time breaking through. Recently I've been out with some kind, attractive, intelligent, faithful-type men who seem to have the total package going on. They seem to like me as well, which feels unfair to them because I don't reciprocate much of their affection. I really would like to, but I don't know how to stir up romantic feelings that I have crushed down with a hammer, to put it delicately.

Thank goodness for eHow.com, which tells me step by step "How to Love Again" (with my comments). Here it is:

1. Grieve your losses. Before you will be ready to love again, you need to heal the pain that your lost love has inflicted. Whether you lost your love through a failed relationship or the death of a loved one, your lost love left emotional wounds. Grieve your losses so you will free yourself to love again. Okay, I'm done with this one. Check.

2. Recognize the need to love again. Loving others is one of the most basic needs of human existence. Without love, life is meaningless. While you might need to take some time to lick your emotional wounds, closing off your heart to love will make your life seem empty. Crap.

3. Decide that loving again is worth the risk. While you are still in the grieving process, your heart might feel too fragile to take the risk of loving again. However, as you grieve your loss and become more emotionally healthy, you will move toward being ready to open up your heart again. I'm pretty sure I've decided this...

4. Love yourself. The more you love yourself, the more likely you are to attract a person who is emotionally healthy. If you go out looking for love to fill a hole in your heart, then you are much more likely to attract someone who wants to take advantage of you. However, if you come from the perspective of having lots of love to give, then you will attract a similar person. Maybe this is where I'm coming up against a brick wall. It's difficult to build up such a large reserve of excess love!

5. Think about what you want in a new relationship. Set a standard for what you are seeking in a new relationship. Make it a point to progress in this relationship, and don't fall into old patterns just because they are comfortable. Right. Like they always say "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

6. Let the love come to you. Don’t go out looking for “Mr. Right” in places where singles congregate. Instead, get involved in activities which you enjoy that bring you into contact with people who have the same interests. Whether you do this through a church, a bowling league or a city tennis club, get involved in your community in a positive manner. This seems contradictory when I attend a singles's ward. Hmm...

7. Ease into a new relationship slowly. Do not try to replace the lost relationship. Instead, allow a new one to grow and blossom in its own way. Perhaps one day. When this happens, I will graduate to reading "How to Turn a Sinking Relation-Canoe into a Loving Relation-Ship that will withstand any Storm that Comes its Way"

I always want to say sorry for my sarcasm concerning love. I was just about to say sorry for posting a list that I initially made fun of, but at least joking about it keeps me from getting depressed about not being able to love people the way I would like to. And let me reiterate that I really would like to.

So, what do I do now? According to eHow, which I don't exactly trust, I think I'm on step 4 or 5. Maybe somewhere in between. Or maybe that list has nothing to do with anything and it was filler for a entry that leaves me just as mind-boggled as I was when I started writing it. I'm not looking for advice or pity. I'm just compelled to post about something that I wish I understood better: my heart.

To echo the title, how do I get out of my life raft? I'm not sure. I'm still scared. The water around me is probably freezing cold and shark infested. If I wait around to get saved, I'll probably die of thirst or have to drink my pee to survive. If I can hold out long enough, I might meet the crew from Whale Wars and that would be fun, but I don't really like their forceful environmentalist tactics. I'm going to have to keep paddling until I feel that I'm in safer waters. The metaphor's gone far enough, but wouldn't it be cool to be on this?

I think I need a guy who is willing to get on the raft with me. So cute and predictable, right?

A beginner again

I need to make a slight modification to my New Year's resolutions. Instead of piano lessons, which would have been great, I bought a guitar! It is a more affordable option and I have always wanted to learn to play. Thank goodness for Brian, who has been coaching me through the process. Thank you, thank you, thank you...

I'm excited to start learning chords and picking through my favorite songs. First up on the list, if I can hack it, is Poison's "Every Rose Has it's Thorn," which I've always loved. If any of you have suggestions for easy songs to play, I'd love to hear them. It's kind of overwhelming and exciting to be right at the beginning of something new. I only know two chords right now. I remember when I first started playing the piano and how much of a thrill it was to learn a two-handed song. I look forward to the feeling of learning my first song.

My dogs are getting used to the guitar too. Paisley gets really nervous around it and I tried to acclimate her to it by strumming it while resting it on her back, but she freaked out. So I'll probably keep doing it, for my own entertainment.

I guess buying a guitar eventually happens when you watch too much of this: