is in Russia!

Привет всем! Hey everyone! I am now in St. Petersburg, Russia. If you would like to contact me, I'll be on the internet all the time. So, email me! It's not hard to find an internet cafe here. In fact, that's a funny story. The internet cafe I found also doubles as a gay bookstore. Hahaha... I really am a magnet. I miss everyone, but I am also so happy to be here. I will be posting more on my other blog, so take a look. Love you all. Пока!

mourns.

Another one of life's wakeup calls happened today. A member of my extended family died. It was an accident no one was expecting in the least. His family is experiencing a huge loss and they have a large burden to carry. It makes me think about my relationships with my family members and how I need to make sure that they are good. I am just in shock.

misses her boys.

Right now I am hanging out at home with my family and it's wonderful. There is no comparison to spending time with them. But there is a little piece of my heart still in Utah. I miss my boys. Not all of them are in Utah at the moment, they are spread across the state and some aren't even in the country anymore. Wherever you are, you are in my heart.

Now let's delve into my psyche...
I remember talking to Isaac a while ago about my relationships with homosexual men and how I seem to be drawn to them. I've mentioned before how I feel somewhat like a magnet and my theory's been proven over and over again. I didn't intend on seeking out these relationships (I've been accused of this and believe me, I am innocent!), but I believe that these men are a part of my life for a reason and I am very grateful that they are in my life. It might be a coincidence, it might be my personality, it might be my interests, it might be fate, or a combination of all these things.

Here are some of the questions I have:

What characteristics do homosexual men have (that straight men don't) that I am inexplicably attracted to?
Why am I attracted to homosexual men without even realizing they are homosexual at first? Why am I surprised when this happens?
Why do I treasure their friendship more than my relationships with straight men?
Am I intimidated by straight men?
What is missing in my interactions with straight men that should lead to friendship, but inevitably don't?
Do I need to seek out relationships with straight men? If so, how do I do it?
Do I need to try and "find" people to date? If so, how do I do it?
Is there something wrong with having a wide circle of male homosexual friends?
How can I better relate to these men?
Is it impolite to treat them the same way I would treat a straight man (flirting and so on)?
How can I be a better friend?
Does this stuff even matter at all?

In the past four months my group of male friends has gone from about two (John and Le Mec) to quite a few, maybe even twenty. It's amazing. I've wished for a close group of guy friends all my life. It hasn't happened until now. I consider it a blessing. I love the things we are able to talk about together. I feel like we have a lot of common interests. I am grateful for the emotional intimacy without the pressure of dating. I HATE mind games. I don't play them and I think a lot of straight guys have wanted me to be a little less accessible, but I just don't roll like that. I'm sorry if I'm not better at playing hard to get. I don't necessarily feel discouraged about dating, but it is absent in my life right now. I wonder if that is my fault or if it's just the nature of dating in Provo. I wonder if it is even possible that I am spending too much time with my boys and I'm not making myself available. The problem with this is that I have spent A LOT of time in the past making myself available by going to ward activities, getting to know people, going by their apartments, bugging them, asking them out on dates, and doing all of the somewhat desperate things girls do to get noticed at a place like BYU and it hasn't really produced dating opportunities (aside from John... I was pretty darn persistent with him). So, that makes me think that I should just hang back a little for now. And that's what I've been doing the whole semester. So before you think I'm pathetic or whiny or something, please understand that I am just fine with my situation and I'm not complaining. I'm just trying to analyze what is going on with the relationships I am forming in my life. I also want anyone who reads this to understand that my relationships with homosexual men are not in any way some kind of filler. They aren't bridging an emotional gap for the time being until I can find a straight guy. I am happy with who I am and I choose my friends, not based on their sexual orientation. I choose them based on who they are as people. It just happens that many of them are gay.

Alright, so I am trying to get to a point with all of this. What roles are my relationships with homosexual men playing right now in my life? Well, a lot of roles. The same roles that any other friends play, for the most part. I confide in them, trust them, love them, pray for them, joke with them, tease them, comfort them, and they do so many of these things for me. There is a motherly side of me as well that wants to take them all in and help them feel loved and cared for. This is what I'll call my Wendy complex. I know these men aren't lost and looking for a surrogate mother (I'm hardly that), but I want to take care of them to a certain extent. I'm happy to be there for them. This is different than my relationships with straight men. I don't feel like they would want me to do this for them. Maybe too much of my relationships with men is based on nurturing. What should it be based on, then? Is that wrong? I don't want it to be based on physical attraction alone. I want to feel a deeper connection. Taken to the extreme, my Wendy complex has turned into a monster in the past which was manifested in boyfriends that I actually pitied and took care of more than I loved and desired. I thought that they needed me so I stuck around and suffered to a certain extent. Sometimes I sacrificed too much. Now I know that this is definitely wrong. I know that to have healthy relationships I can't need a person; I have to be self-sustained first and then I actually have the capacity to give love instead of craving some other kind of fulfillment.

So, I miss my boys. I miss having such wonderful men around me. I miss them for the great friends that they are to me. I hope that they know how much they mean to me. Maybe someday I will figure out what draws me to gay men. I hope to always enjoy their friendship. I hope that I am not misunderstanding my relationships with them and I will keep trying to be better friend to all my friends, gay or straight.