............ well, a title's not important.

St. Petersburg continues to be a really excellent experience. I will post more about my day to day activities some time later, but I just wanted to share one thing right now. In honor of my favorite poet's birthday, Pushkin, I will post one of his verses. I did a translation that has a pretty religious slant on it, but I feel really inspired by it. In light of the many difficulties that some of my dear friends have been dealing with lately, I feel like this poem is especially applicable. It is about times in our lives when we feel cheated or dissapointed by things that happen to us.

Если жизнь тебя обманет,
Не печалься, не сердись!
В день уныния смирись:
День веселья, верь, настанет.

Сердце в будущем живет;
Настоящее уныло:
Все мгновенно, все пройдет;
Что пройдет, то будет мило.

If life should ever dissapoint you,
Don't get angry, don't despair
When plagued by sin, bow down in prayer
Joy surely comes when all is through

Our hearts long for a higher glory
When days go by so dismally
Yet all is passing, cursory
And all we overcome goes sweetly

I know that in life's most difficult, most dissapointing moments we can overcome feelings of hopelessness and discouragement. I know that the Lord will give us joy if we turn to him. The feeling of peace that I have right now in my life is so wonderful. I wouldn't give it up for anything. I wish I could give this feeling to everyone.

is in Russia!

Привет всем! Hey everyone! I am now in St. Petersburg, Russia. If you would like to contact me, I'll be on the internet all the time. So, email me! It's not hard to find an internet cafe here. In fact, that's a funny story. The internet cafe I found also doubles as a gay bookstore. Hahaha... I really am a magnet. I miss everyone, but I am also so happy to be here. I will be posting more on my other blog, so take a look. Love you all. Пока!

mourns.

Another one of life's wakeup calls happened today. A member of my extended family died. It was an accident no one was expecting in the least. His family is experiencing a huge loss and they have a large burden to carry. It makes me think about my relationships with my family members and how I need to make sure that they are good. I am just in shock.

misses her boys.

Right now I am hanging out at home with my family and it's wonderful. There is no comparison to spending time with them. But there is a little piece of my heart still in Utah. I miss my boys. Not all of them are in Utah at the moment, they are spread across the state and some aren't even in the country anymore. Wherever you are, you are in my heart.

Now let's delve into my psyche...
I remember talking to Isaac a while ago about my relationships with homosexual men and how I seem to be drawn to them. I've mentioned before how I feel somewhat like a magnet and my theory's been proven over and over again. I didn't intend on seeking out these relationships (I've been accused of this and believe me, I am innocent!), but I believe that these men are a part of my life for a reason and I am very grateful that they are in my life. It might be a coincidence, it might be my personality, it might be my interests, it might be fate, or a combination of all these things.

Here are some of the questions I have:

What characteristics do homosexual men have (that straight men don't) that I am inexplicably attracted to?
Why am I attracted to homosexual men without even realizing they are homosexual at first? Why am I surprised when this happens?
Why do I treasure their friendship more than my relationships with straight men?
Am I intimidated by straight men?
What is missing in my interactions with straight men that should lead to friendship, but inevitably don't?
Do I need to seek out relationships with straight men? If so, how do I do it?
Do I need to try and "find" people to date? If so, how do I do it?
Is there something wrong with having a wide circle of male homosexual friends?
How can I better relate to these men?
Is it impolite to treat them the same way I would treat a straight man (flirting and so on)?
How can I be a better friend?
Does this stuff even matter at all?

In the past four months my group of male friends has gone from about two (John and Le Mec) to quite a few, maybe even twenty. It's amazing. I've wished for a close group of guy friends all my life. It hasn't happened until now. I consider it a blessing. I love the things we are able to talk about together. I feel like we have a lot of common interests. I am grateful for the emotional intimacy without the pressure of dating. I HATE mind games. I don't play them and I think a lot of straight guys have wanted me to be a little less accessible, but I just don't roll like that. I'm sorry if I'm not better at playing hard to get. I don't necessarily feel discouraged about dating, but it is absent in my life right now. I wonder if that is my fault or if it's just the nature of dating in Provo. I wonder if it is even possible that I am spending too much time with my boys and I'm not making myself available. The problem with this is that I have spent A LOT of time in the past making myself available by going to ward activities, getting to know people, going by their apartments, bugging them, asking them out on dates, and doing all of the somewhat desperate things girls do to get noticed at a place like BYU and it hasn't really produced dating opportunities (aside from John... I was pretty darn persistent with him). So, that makes me think that I should just hang back a little for now. And that's what I've been doing the whole semester. So before you think I'm pathetic or whiny or something, please understand that I am just fine with my situation and I'm not complaining. I'm just trying to analyze what is going on with the relationships I am forming in my life. I also want anyone who reads this to understand that my relationships with homosexual men are not in any way some kind of filler. They aren't bridging an emotional gap for the time being until I can find a straight guy. I am happy with who I am and I choose my friends, not based on their sexual orientation. I choose them based on who they are as people. It just happens that many of them are gay.

Alright, so I am trying to get to a point with all of this. What roles are my relationships with homosexual men playing right now in my life? Well, a lot of roles. The same roles that any other friends play, for the most part. I confide in them, trust them, love them, pray for them, joke with them, tease them, comfort them, and they do so many of these things for me. There is a motherly side of me as well that wants to take them all in and help them feel loved and cared for. This is what I'll call my Wendy complex. I know these men aren't lost and looking for a surrogate mother (I'm hardly that), but I want to take care of them to a certain extent. I'm happy to be there for them. This is different than my relationships with straight men. I don't feel like they would want me to do this for them. Maybe too much of my relationships with men is based on nurturing. What should it be based on, then? Is that wrong? I don't want it to be based on physical attraction alone. I want to feel a deeper connection. Taken to the extreme, my Wendy complex has turned into a monster in the past which was manifested in boyfriends that I actually pitied and took care of more than I loved and desired. I thought that they needed me so I stuck around and suffered to a certain extent. Sometimes I sacrificed too much. Now I know that this is definitely wrong. I know that to have healthy relationships I can't need a person; I have to be self-sustained first and then I actually have the capacity to give love instead of craving some other kind of fulfillment.

So, I miss my boys. I miss having such wonderful men around me. I miss them for the great friends that they are to me. I hope that they know how much they mean to me. Maybe someday I will figure out what draws me to gay men. I hope to always enjoy their friendship. I hope that I am not misunderstanding my relationships with them and I will keep trying to be better friend to all my friends, gay or straight.

is going back to where she left her heart.

I am going back to Eastern Europe this summer, for all who are wondering where I might be: here's the beginning of a new blog that will detail my travels.

Before I leave I am documenting how I felt last time so that I can begin this trip with a new perspective, learning from my prior misconceptions. I have a feeling that this summer is going to be life-altering for me.

On a related note, Isaac and I just had a deep conversation about the possibilities that this summer might hold. I think it's going to be a crucial time for many of my close friends and for myself. I can see that many choices have led me to this point in my life. I would like to try and guess what might be in store for me, but I don't think that's possible. But there are things I would like to happen, and I will list them here:

1. Resurrect my love for Slavic culture and the Russian language

2. Finish the requirements for my major and run my ORCA project

3. Make some new friends

4. Lose a little weight while running around there

5. Finish War and Peace (I didn't make it the first time)

6. Visit some people I left behind

What do you want to happen this summer?

wants to be happy.

When I found this picture a while ago I thought it was the perfect metaphor for life. The boy is crying because his tricycle isn't working the way he wants it to--he wants a smoother ride. Well, sorry. Life is never a completely smooth ride. We can choose to progress, although it is a bumpy road that frustrates or even hurts us at times, or we can choose to sit still with no bumps, all the while missing out on the journey. I know that there is a time for everyone when they feel like they've been given an unfair lot in life. I've felt this way so many times I can hardly isolate specific incidents; I've been saying "that's not fair!" ever since I could recognize the difference between the larger cupcake and the smaller cupcake. And my mom would always respond "fair is a place you go for a ride." That is, life isn't fair and if you expect it to be, you are going to be disappointed. I have been disappointed so many times in my life. But there is a happy side to the unhappy realization that life is not fair, I choose if I am going to constantly take note of life's inconsistencies and feel angry about injustice or I can act for myself and be happy with the life I've been given. At least I have a tricycle, right? How about the poor kid down the street with one rollerskate. That's gotta suck. I don't want to go too far with this metaphor, it would cheapen it, but I do want to point out that we are not in a race with each other for fairness or happiness or success. That's just not it. I feel like I post about these kinds of things all the time, but I like to remind myself that

I CAN ONLY CONTROL MYSELF!

I want everyone to recognize that. I wish I could communicate that idea to everyone who struggles with the question of why they aren't happy. I fully believe that happiness is a choice in life (when not complicated by factors like depression, as I have mentioned before) that comes when we take control of our choices and make ourselves responsible for them. I know that doesn't seem like the equation for happiness, but somehow it is.

DISCLAIMER:

I know that I am only happy when I am acting for myself...according to the Lord's will. I should have made this clearer before (and I might get some flack for it, but I'm going to say it anyway because this is my blog and this is how I feel): taking control of our actions doesn't mean anything unless our choices are made according to the Lord's plan for us.

Alma explains this concept in the most clear way I can think of:

"I ought not to harrow up in my desires, the firm decree of a just God, for I know that he granteth unto men according to their desire, whether it be unto death or unto life; yea, I know that he allotteth unto men, yea, decreeth unto them decrees which are unalterable, according to their wills, whether they be unto salvation or unto destruction.

Yea, and I know that good and evil have come before all men; he that knoweth not good from evil is blameless; but he that knoweth good and evil, to him it is given according to his desires, whether he desireth good or evil, life or death, joy or remorse of conscience.

Now, seeing that I know these things, why should I desire more than to perform the work to which I have been called?" Alma 29:4-6

The Lord knows perfectly how to make me happy. When I am grasping for answers and feeling that life is unfair, I only need to turn to him for alleviation of my pain, and sometimes I get an explanation. I usually don't understand why life is the way it is, but I am happy to be led by the hand by someone who loves me more than anyone else and who has planned an existence filled with more happiness than I could ever imagine. I ache for all people to feel peace and to know that they will someday have a fullness of joy. Happiness might seem inconsistent in our lives because of our weaknesses in this earthly state and our mistakes, but it can underlie everything we do if we have made the choice to seek after it. We can live in a way that will lead us towards greater joy:

"And it came to pass that we lived after the manner of happiness." 2 Nephi 5:27

Nephi also recognized that it is a choice. He didn't say, "and it came to pass that we lived and just by chance we were happy too." He said that they lived in a way that made them happy. Happiness begins when we accept the circumstances we've been given, but it is increased by every good choice we make and solidified by our trust in the Lord's plan for us.

loves her cousin.

Just kidding. That's George Michael. And I'm in love with him. I am almost at the end of my Arrested Development marathon with John, Isaac, and iwonder. It's soooo awesome. I will post my reaction to the whole series tomorrow night after I finish it.

feels the winds of change.

And I don't like it one bit. Why do I resist every time I'm moved from my place? Maybe it's the same reason my dog growls when I try to pick him up when he is sleeping. It's just not comfortable. There are a number of things prompting this feeling in me right now: the semester is ending, friendships are realigning, new friendships are being formed, some friends are leaving, I am going to Russia for the summer, and there seems to be other changes looming on the horizon. I always resist when I feel like my life is changing direction. I dislike the feeling of cold wind in my face and I want to turn my back to it again. But I can't. I have to keep going forward. At least the wind dries the tears on my face.

I guess this is the pessimist's view of opportunity. I am not usually one. This side of me tends to kick in late at night when I am too reminiscent of past events or brooding over future possibilities and I am not thinking about the here and now. Sometimes it is good to reflect and it is good to plan, but is it important not to regret and not to fear. I shouldn't plan for the worst-case scenario. Life is much more promising than I usually imagine it to be. I've experienced that time and time again.

I like what Thomas S. Monson said a few years ago, "Learn from the past, prepare for the future, live in the present." Living in the present is the only cure for reliving past mistakes and dreading future ones. Really, it's not that I am afraid of making mistakes either; I am afraid of missing out on something or somebody important. I am tempted to think that it would be easier to stay in my comfortable place to avoid feeling pain or disappointment. But after painful experiences comes growth and that is always a good thing. This thought is hard to express at this time of night, so I will leave it at this: I am often afraid of change in my life, but I know it's necessary. I am just praying for the courage to keep going and have faith even when I don't know exactly what is ahead of me. I suppose this post is just about faith that good things will happen when my life shifts and I am placed in a new, uncomfortable situation. So, I guess I will try to stop fighting against the wind.

doesn't want to be alone.

This post has been waiting to come out of me for a while. It's the major fear of my life, and I believe dominates the lives of many others. I fear being alone. It sounds too simple on it's own and so I need to elaborate on the concept. I have felt angry, depressed, rejected, anxious, disinterested, apathetic, and a number of other emotions connected to the fact that I am not dating someone or I wish I were dating someone. Gladly, that is not generally the case at present. I know the Lord is blessing me to feel peace about that concern right now in my life. I have said before that I know I need to be happy with who I am, regardless of whether I am attached to someone or not. So, that is not what this post is about. But this post is about the fear that we all have (or at least I think we all have it) of being alone. We all have a void for romantic love that is sometimes filled and sometimes isn't. It is the need for someone to share our lives with. This is built into us and sometimes it seems unfair that it must go unfulfilled. It drives us to do some pretty stupid and wonderful things when we experience it. Anyhow, I have spent a fair amount of time pining away and listening to Franky to know what the stupid side of it is.

My recent thoughts concerning the subject are about the fact that this desire for romantic love often outweighs our desire for charity, which I just posted about. For whatever reason, we are required by the Lord to give up romantic love in certain instances and for certain periods of time if asked to do so. That is very hard to do. It's hard to wait and it's hard to abstain. It's especially hard to turn away from a relationship that seems so attainable, but doesn't fulfill the Lord's requirements. I'm trying to remember the epiphany I had about this subject today and I think it's coming to the surface...
Basically, we are all so afraid of being alone that often we turn to the very things that will leave us alone in the long run. I'll explain, Satan is very good at making us believe that we will be alone if we don't make some drastic move to change our situation. He makes us think that we need to turn to the nearest source of comfort to bandage the wound. That comfort takes the form of many different things, most of which are extremely harmful to us. Turning to a false source of comfort only digs the pit of loneliness deeper, as I have experienced. Enough is never enough. What the Savior asks us to do is the exact opposite of what Satan wants us to do. He asks us to come to Him and somehow, he will fill the hole in our heart. I know that's hard to believe when the pain seems like it's too great to handle alone. At least that much is true, you can't handle it alone. It is imperative to put the burden on the Lord. I posted this scripture in a comment on iwonder's blog in response to his post about the pain he often feels in association with the challenges in his life:

"Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death. And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more. And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain! Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy." Alma 36:18-21

This is one of the scriptures that I have turned to the most in my life for comfort. It represents to me a real feeling that I experienced when I turned to the Lord to take away the pain that I felt when I had made some bad choices in my life. I felt His love in such a real way when I chose it over a romantic love that was very destructive for me at that time in my life. I realized then and I realized again recently that yes, I don't want to be alone, but I also don't want to make a choice that will separate me from my Savior. He won't leave me alone if I turn to Him. The only time I am truly alone is when I am not relying on His mercy and I turn away.

I believe that most of the challenges we experience in this life are connected to the need we have to feel accepted and loved. Although I have moments when I feel overwhelmed with fear or sadness anticipating the future, I realize that I will never be alone because of my Savior. I know He is my friend and He constantly heals my heart. It needs to be patched up often. The love of God is the sweetest thing that I have ever experienced. I relate with the words of Lehi about God's love:

"And it came to pass that I did go forth and partake of the fruit thereof; and I beheld that it was most sweet, above all that I ever before tasted. Yea, and I beheld that the fruit thereof was white, to exceed all the whiteness that I had ever seen. And as I partook of the fruit thereof it filled my soul with exceedingly great joy... I knew that it was desirable above all other fruit." 1 Nephi 8:10-11

I know that the Lord's love can fill us with greater joy than we have ever known. It will fill the emptiness that plagues us. It can make us whole as we learn how to give it and receive it. If we really understood what the true nature of "being alone" is, we would never leave our Savior's side.

is nothing...

without charity. I just wanted to make that clear. I have been thinking about the nature of charity and what it takes to become a truly charitable person. Charity seems to be the sum of all of Christ's characteristics. Charity is necessary to return to God. Charity is perfect love. Christ is charity:

"But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him." Moroni 7:47

I don't want to oversimplify these thoughts by saying obvious things, but I need to remind myself so often about the true nature of charity that I wonder if I am making progress at all. I made a list today (when I was skipping Sunday school because the teacher makes me nervous, I know... how charitable) of the things that incite bouts of unkindness:

-when I feel neglected, hurt, or offended
-when I am exhausted, feeling emotionally drained, or spiritually empty
-when I compare myself to others
-when I feel superior to others or when I feel intimidated by others
-when I perceive people being unkind to me
-when I am lonely

The list could have been much longer, but I realized that basically, it's when there is a void in my life. I start taking from others to try and fill it, and I am making unkindness or aloofness my response to many situations when I should be responding with charity. I know that my response to anyone at anytime should be kind. I never have the right to be cold or even outrightly rude, but I do it all the time. I do it at the library when I get late fines, I do it in long lines at the bank, I do it while I'm driving, I do it to my mom when she calls me and I'm in a bad mood, I do it to my friends when I feel like they aren't fulfilling my needs, I do it to my roommates, I even do it to the Lord when I doubt his plan for me or question his love for me. It's so difficult to respond with charity in every situation. I realize that in order to condition my responses to be kinder, I need to do the most that I can to be "filled". This week my goals are:

-pray for greater charity
-pray for people individually
-study about charity during my scripture study
-seek opportunities to give service (praying for these opportunities daily too)
-avoid gossip (I failed so miserably at this last week)
-express gratitude more often and take the time to compliment people more often as well

Charity is a spiritual gift to all who seek it, and I need to seek it with greater intent:

"Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen." Moroni 7:48

I want to take this moment, not just because it is a part of my goals for this week, but because I really feel this way, to express the love that I have for all who participate in this peculiar world of Moho bloggers and others who support and love them. I love you. You inspire me daily. Your struggles and your love for each other are often wonderful examples of Christ's love and also examples of how we should all behave as faithful saints. I am so grateful that my eyes were opened to this challenge. It is not because I compare my situation to it and see that I am better off and, therefore, more grateful for what I have. It is because I see that we all struggle in this life and we are able to find comfort in the Savior no matter what we deal with. I am able to love someone to a greater degree when I understand what challenges they have, although I should be able to love someone regardless of knowing about their challenges. I am grateful for this insight to the lives of others. I know that the struggle of feeling charity for all people will continue throughout my life, but I have hope that the Lord will help me to understand more as I go throughout my life. I know I will hurt people along the way, please forgive me if I've hurt you. I know I will feel pain, but I want to forgive and allow love to fill my heart. I'm not sure how to end this post, except to say that I'm trying. I want everyone to feel loved and I want to be a part of Christ's invitation to feel his love. I hope that I can be a better extension of his mercy.

is revising.

The last post has been removed for further revision. It needed it. It will return to my blog, but not this one. Look for it on Naked Prose. That's all. :)