Simple=Happy

* A trail sign in Forest Park

As I sit here watching the documentary "Colossal Squid" while trying to gather my thoughts about the past few months, I just want to say that I'm glad to be where I am, doing what I am doing. This year I was shaken up, my plans turned on their head, and I thought what I was doing was admitting defeat when I left Utah. I know I've touched on this before, but I want to make it clear that I am happy to have learned the things I've learned, and to continue forward with the experience I've gained. So, what have I been doing? To some it might seem that first, I'd been hiding out in a tropical location and afterward I've been semi-employed in Oregon, sleeping in every morning and trying to pull my life back together. Well, it's simpler and less pitiable than that. The sleeping in continues, because I don't have a typical 9 to 5 job, but all I am trying to do is enjoy each day for exactly what it is. And I like it.

Some of the activities I enjoy most right now are: Spending time with my family and my dogs, reading plenty of fantasy novels, going on fall walks, exploring the Portland hills*, teaching grade schoolers an after school writing class, getting to know more people in my YSA ward, finding a new job, contemplating grad school, watching anime, quilting and crocheting, going to the library, teaching a class at church for new members, and working Saturdays at the temple. I feel that my life is full and interesting, although simpler than I had expected it to be at this time in my life.

One of the things I'm most grateful for is recently finding a new job. I currently work with 3, 4, and 5th graders at Seth Lewelling grade school. I teach a writing/thinking class called "Imagination Workshop." It has been a really fun experiment in teaching a much younger class than I've ever experienced. They have been more rowdy and more lovable than I thought they would be. We have been focusing on the five senses, along with a survey of different types of literature. I loved teaching them about poetry and surprising them with activities they didn't anticipate. We will finish the first half of the year with a play. When I am finished teaching this class, I will move on to my new job, which is running an after school program for homeless youth in the same school district. I was surprised to learn that there are over 200 homeless youth in the school system. They need a safe, warm place to do homework and learn computer skills. In addition to this, I will be matching them with mentors, something that I feel strongly about. I have loved working with mentoring pairs in the past and I hope that it is as good of an experience now as it was then.

I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing until I feel like I need to change something again. And since change is inevitable, I'm sure I'll have something else to post soon.

Back again

Hey everybody! You probably didn't miss me at all, but I am back again and with a snazzier design. I was actually embarrassed to keep posting with my blog looking the way it did. I don't have much to say right now. Maybe I'll post some thoughts on conference once it's over tomorrow. Peace out.

The best and worst of Honolulu

It's the middle of the night here in Honolulu, which is much later for everyone else in my home timezone. For some reason I feel compelled to update. Maybe after hours of surfing youtube and watching every imaginable Tokio Hotel video, I want to do something more substantial with my time. Maybe I'm just so tired that I am rambling. Either way...

I have been here on Oahu since July 1oth. I'll be here until September 6th. It already feels like I've been here forever and I can't imagine that I'll be staying for over another month. Wow. Paradise only feels like paradise for so long, you know what I mean? It's beautiful, but the shine has worn off and mainly I'm suffering from a bad sunburn and hormonal crankiness. I am really grateful that my two brothers have come to hang out with me for the next two and a half weeks. They are a lot of fun and they keep me hip. Honestly, I've never had much of an eye for fashion and my youngest brother is amazing. I wish I could be more on top of things like him. There is amazing shopping here as well, not that I can afford most of it... oh well. They also expose me to great music, which I'm also happy about. Some recent favorites: Empire of the Sun, CSS, and some others I can't think of because it's too late. Well, maybe I'll talk more about that another day.

What have I been doing here? I get that question a lot and I feel like a phony pretending to vacation here. The story is that I came home to Oregon after a pretty crappy experience in Utah from January to June and I needed a break. My dad had been asked by his work to do a project in Hawaii this summer and it proved to be just the right escape. Actually, I couldn't ask for a better one. So, here I am, bumming it in Honolulu. I am not approaching this trip the way most people would. I am simply trying to soak in the atmosphere and avoid the tourist traps. I don't feel compelled to buy souvenirs or even take many pictures. I keep my routine simple. I go to the beach; sometimes I volunteer; sometimes I snorkel; some days I sit indoors and watch the Price is Right before I even head out to the beach. I can only spend an hour or two in the sun anyway before I'm burnt to a crisp. Right now my life is very simple. Probably the simplest it's been in years. I take care of myself, live in a studio condo with my family, and chill. It's great. I think my mind is a little numb at the moment, but I am glad for it. I had too many months of pain and anxiety. It's harmful to stay in that state and I am glad I'm out of it. My heart hasn't raced much lately--except for when I occasionally run on the treadmill. I feel blessed.

The best things I've experienced so far on the island have been:

1. Swimming in the turquoise blue ocean, looking off into the distance, and seeing no other land in sight.

2. Eating local food. I am crazy about loco moco. I am currently a rice-aholic.

3. Getting into snorkeling. The fish here are awesome, and much bigger than I thought they'd be. My dad helped me get into this one. Without his help I'd have never mustered up the courage to try out the deeper water where the cooler fish are.

4. Volunteering at the Bishop Museum. It has given me greater perspective and a glimpse into the rich tradition here on the island.

5. Long drives along the coast. I haven't gasped out loud so many times in my recent memory.

6. The farmer's market. Haupia bread pudding is amazing and so is fresh pineapple. There's nothing like it on the mainland.

And it wouldn't be complete without the worst (I'll keep this one short):

1. Sunburns!!! Argh

2. Smelly garbage (boy it gets so much worse here because of the warm weather. Yuck!)

3. Busloads of tourists clogging up every road

4. Smoking everywhere! Even on the beach it's hard to get a clean breath

5. Screwed up transportation and difficult to decipher street names

6. Loneliness

I'll try to update a couple more times before I leave. I'm sure I'll have something else to say at some point. For now it's aloha and mahalo for reading.

Rainbows...

Not too long ago I got a fortune that read "the rainbow's treasures will soon belong to you." I'm starting to believe it...

How is it done?

I have been learning some profound things about faith lately. Returning to the faith-enriched chapters of Alma 32-33, I pinpointed some things that I had never noticed before. I realized that faith can be strengthened simply by the kinds of questions that we ask the Lord.

The people that Alma taught were humbled by their impoverished circumstances. They had been treated cruelly, but they were not numbed to faith because of their experiences; they realized that Alma had something to teach them and they were willing to listen. The first thing they asked him was "How they should plant the seed... or in what manner they should begin to exercise their faith" (33:1). They did not ask him why they had been subjected to such cruelty or any other questions pertaining to why they were in their current circumstances.

I am beginning to be intrigued with this question: How? In my experience it comes before all other questions when dealing with the Lord. He may never answer a question directly that begins with who, what, where, why, or when because these questions are based primarily on fact. Asking how requires a greater measure of faith because it shows a willingness to do what is asked without depending on worldly knowledge. I see now that when we ask how, we show the Lord that we want to be led. We show Him that all other questions can wait as we are guided to learn His will, then the other answers will come as needed.

So, once the people ask how, Alma goes right ahead and tells them the answer. In verse 2 he says, "ye ought to search the scriptures." Then he tells them to pray and testifies of how the Lord has heard his prayers. He asks them, "if ye have read the scriptures... how can ye disbelieve on the Son of God?" Finally, he promises them once more what the result of planting a seed of faith will be:

as it beginneth to swell even so nourish it by your faith, And behold it will become a tree, springing up in you unto everlasting life. And then may God grant unto you that your burdens may be light, through the joy of His son. And even all this can ye do if ye will.

These simple answers are sufficient for the people Alma taught and for all of us. I see how they work in my life now, after some sad and difficult things have happened. Despite those disappointments, my peace remains and my faith continues to grow as I ask the Lord how I am supposed to live my life in order to experience greater joy. I used to wonder why I was given certain trials or periods of waiting. Now I am learning to ask how to be joyful and stop focusing so intently on the whys. I feel very blessed to see this lesson at this time in my life. Most of the difficulty I have encountered with trials of faith have been because I was asking questions that would not be answered without the initial question of how to show that I am even willing to do what is necessary to obtain the whys.

The ultimate test of life is seeking to do what is asked of us before we understand the reasons fully. It is also striving to live the higher law without the immediate capacity to do so. As the Lord said to Abraham, "We will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them." It occurred to me that God is proving us, not the other way around. We are not meant to go about trying to prove things that faith is meant to teach. Asking how is an opportunity to see past worldly constraints that would impede our ability to believe. I try to remind myself often that God's ways defy our human logic:

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts (Isa. 55:9).

Finally, I want to reemphasize what Alma said concerning blessings that come after a trial of faith. God promises us that as we seek to live the answers (and questions) he gives us, and our faith grows even further, "then may God grant unto you that your burdens may be light, through the joy of His son. And even all this can ye do if ye will."

Unharvested possibilities

Unharvested

A scent of ripeness from over a wall.
And come to leave the routine road
And look for what had made me stall,
There sure enough was an apple tree
That had eased itself of its summer load,
And of all but its trivial foliage free,
Now breathed as light as a lady's fan.
For there had been an apple fall
As complete as the apple had given man.
The ground was one circle of solid red.

May something go always unharvested!
May much stay out of our stated plan,
Apples or something forgotten and left,
So smelling their sweetness would be no theft.

--Robert Frost

Today I return to blogging after an absence of about five and a half months. I knew I'd come back eventually, I just wanted something more substantial to say before I posted again. The business of waiting is over and I am seeing my life in a new way. Let me explain...

I moved to Utah in mid-January this year in order to be reunited with the person I was dating. It was a leap of faith. I was honestly scared, but I had a strong feeling that it was still the correct path for me, regardless of the amount of reticence I was feeling from him. I quit my job and left home again. It was difficult for me to do this. I am not even sure I can explain how much I miss my family even now, but I am still reassured that I am in the place where I am supposed to be.

I had two major worries when I came to Utah. I wondered if I could find a job and I also spend a good amount of time worrying about the relationship I was in. I couldn't feel the same amount of commitment coming from him and it was unclear to me why things weren't working out the way I'd imagined them. I don't want to agonize over what went wrong. I only know that he wasn't ready for a greater commitment like I was. I know his fears were overwhelming him. I couldn't change that and I needed resolution. When I finally asked him if he truly wanted to be with me, he could only say no because he couldn't say yes with all his heart. That happened last week. I felt an acute loss for about two days. The pain was almost literally like a weight on my chest. But somehow, on the third day, I felt relief. I'd accepted what happened and woke up with a feeling of happiness and peace unlike any I'd felt for some time. I see possibilities for my life that I haven't seen before because it happened.

Take note of the poem at the beginning of this post. I found it two days ago and it explains perfectly how I feel about the loss that I have just experienced. Instead of viewing it as something spoiled, I see it as something that wasn't for me. I can leave it unharvested and continue on my path without without regret. I am satisfied to have spent the time that I did enjoying it and learning from it. Now I can move on.

The week that my relationship ended I also started working at a new job. I won't be able to give many details about it here, because I am working at a treatment facility for adolescent girls who have addictions. It has been eye-opening to work with these teenagers. They come from a variety of backgrounds and have many different challenges. They must be watched constantly to ensure that they are not engaging in behaviors that will harm themselves or others. I actually love working with them and I feel very fulfilled at work presently. It isn't an easy job, but it is the kind of work that I enjoy doing.

So today I am grateful. I feel at peace. I am not sure where my path will take me, but I am done trying to change things that are out of my power. Doctrine and Covenants 123: 16-17 has been going through my mind lately:

You know, brethren, that a very large ship is benefited very much by a very small helm in the time of a storm, by being kept workways with the wind and the waves. Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

Focusing on my ability to act instead of focusing on what others are doing is one of the most important lessons I've ever learned, and I continue to learn it each time I am faced with a trial. If I constantly worry about something that is out of my power, I give my peace away. I am thankful that it has returned, along with a good dose of hope.

Oh, and Happy St. Patrick's Day to everyone! I'll celebrate tonight by eating green cafeteria food at work. I hope you enjoy your day too.

New car!

Tonight I made one of the biggest purchases of my life. I am still in shock. And so is my bank account. But, oh, she is lovely. I can't get past the candy apple red paint and the growling V8. I am hooked. It was a great deal too, but I don't need to tell you that.


We've decided to give her an Indian name, because she's a "Grand Cherokee", of course. Remember Dances With Wolves? She is channeling the essence of "Stands with a Fist!"

I feel powerful!

I feel young!

I feel like I'm about to start doing my hair like this:

August update: A new job, another quilt done, and a trip to Forks.

Hello everyone! It is definitely time for an update. Some exciting things have happened since I last posted, well, at least they are exciting to me.

1. I got a new job!

I started work today at Human Solutions as their new Resident Services Specialist. I can already tell that it's right up my alley. I get to talk with the Russian-speaking residents from two low-income apartment complexes and help them with any of their problems or needs. I also get to work as a liason for these families and their children at school because one of our goals is to reduce dropouts. I was happy to find out that some of the kids I previously worked with in my mentoring program live in one of the complexes! They were pretty happy to see me too.

My favorite moment of the day today was talking to a nice babushka named Lidiya. She pulled me into her apartment and showed me pictures of all her children. She told me about her husband who died when he was only 27 and she was still pregnant with their fourth child. She told me about how hard it was to raise her children on her own and said that she was only able to do it with God's help. Then she hugged me and said I could come by anytime. I think I will.

2. I finished Phillip's quilt!

Here it is! It took me from August 2008 to August 2009, about one year. I first bought the fabric for it last August and I started on it that fall. It really has been such an organic project, growing and changing the entire time. I didn't know exactly what it would look like when I started and I am glad that it's surprised me a little. The houses were the first step, then I realized that I needed to join them with solid colored sashing in between. The color of the sashing, that deep maroon, was really an afterthought. I like it a lot, though. I knew I wanted to showcase the different fabrics somehow and the corner squares seemed like a good idea. I like them quite a bit. I hand quilted the whole thing and that is what took the most time. Here's a closeup on the quilting:

3. I went on a little trip to Forks with my cousin Joy and my aunt Paula.

It's good to know there's a heated pool AND it's the home of Twilight! But it gets better, seriously.

Here's Bella's red truck at the Fork's chamber of commerce.

This is the Swan residence, Bella's house.

Even Carlisle had a parking spot at the local hospital.

The Cullen's house was just down the road.

First beach was amazing. Too bad there was a lot of fog. I couldn't see much of the ocean.

We also went to the Hoh rainforest, but I don't have the strength to post anymore pictures tonight. We had a great time at the tiny town of Forks, and the beach and forest were so beautiful. It was surprising how many people had traveled to that remote place just because of Twilight. I guess it is a phenomenon.

* * *

Summer has had some nice surprises for me this year. I am grateful for all the good things that have happened and the fun things I've been able to do. I feel very blessed. I am enjoying one day at a time and trying not to think too hard about the end of the year coming, but I'm excited about that as well. Only three more months until Phillip comes home!

A new obsession.

So I've already made it clear that I am obsessed with quilts, but now I am specifically obsessed with these quilts. They are the quilts of Gee's Bend. I first saw them when I went to the outdoor quilt show in Sisters, Oregon last weekend. Of the many, many quilts at the show, these were by far the most original. They have been called "some of the most miraculous works of modern art America has produced" by the New York Times. I am amazed by their spontaneous construction and brilliant colors. They are thought provoking. I wonder what was going through the minds of the women who pieced them and then quilted them. I wonder who taught them to quilt this way. It is also important to note that they are showcased as a group project, but they are made by many individual artists. That says something about the feeling of community that these quilts communicate. To me they express the individuality that a quilt should embody and yet they also pieces of history. I get a little put out with all the well-crafted quilts I see that completely lack individuality and creativity. It is not difficult to pick out a pattern, buy a few yards of fabric on sale, and produce a mediocre quilt that is technically perfect. There is a difference between art and craft in quilting and these quilts are art.

Here are some of the Gee's bend quilts that were showcased in the outdoor quilt show:

I am lucky enough to see even more of these quilts in person this month because Elizabeth Leach Gallery in Portland is running an exhibit! I can't wait!

A Summer Wedding in Draper.

Last week I went on a road trip with my mom back to Utah for the wedding of some dear friends. My missionary's twin brother, Loren, was married to my friend Anne in the Draper temple on July 1st, 2009. I first met Anne in 2005 when I was still living in the Foreign Language Student Residence (FLSR). I knew her before I knew her husband or his brother. Two worlds collided when I realized that she was writing my missionary's brother when he was still on his mission last year! I felt like we understood each other's situations very well and I hoped and prayed that she would end up with her missionary. I am so happy for them. Congratulations Anne and Loren!

I've been dying to post some pictures of the quilt I made for them as well. Take a look:

I love it so much that I am making a copy for myself. I know, I have an addiction.

This is one of my favorite fabrics on the quilt. It's an Eiffel Tower print. I found it to be appropriate as they are honeymooning in Paris. Not to mention the backing fabric. I can't get enough of it. I went back to the fabric store a couple weeks ago and bought the rest of their entire stock (it was only 3 3/4 yards so I didn't go completely haywire).

With all the quilting I've been doing and the lovely trip I was able to take to Utah, this summer is shaping up nicely so far.

One last thing, the Draper temple is now my favorite because it has a quilting theme! Check out the corner windows, they have a log cabin pattern!!!

Garden update: Awesome!

Check it out! The garden is growing like crazy!

The herbs are coming along nicely. Especially the sage and the oregano.

The peas are starting to climb their little trellis.

Just take a look at those sweet, sweet peas.

The spinach is growing back after an unfortunate encounter with some bugs. The romaine looks like it's almost ready!

Everything's growing really well except for the poor broccoli. There were little green caterpillars all over it and overnight the leaves looked like this. 

Oops. Better luck next year.