Unharvested possibilities

Unharvested

A scent of ripeness from over a wall.
And come to leave the routine road
And look for what had made me stall,
There sure enough was an apple tree
That had eased itself of its summer load,
And of all but its trivial foliage free,
Now breathed as light as a lady's fan.
For there had been an apple fall
As complete as the apple had given man.
The ground was one circle of solid red.

May something go always unharvested!
May much stay out of our stated plan,
Apples or something forgotten and left,
So smelling their sweetness would be no theft.

--Robert Frost

Today I return to blogging after an absence of about five and a half months. I knew I'd come back eventually, I just wanted something more substantial to say before I posted again. The business of waiting is over and I am seeing my life in a new way. Let me explain...

I moved to Utah in mid-January this year in order to be reunited with the person I was dating. It was a leap of faith. I was honestly scared, but I had a strong feeling that it was still the correct path for me, regardless of the amount of reticence I was feeling from him. I quit my job and left home again. It was difficult for me to do this. I am not even sure I can explain how much I miss my family even now, but I am still reassured that I am in the place where I am supposed to be.

I had two major worries when I came to Utah. I wondered if I could find a job and I also spend a good amount of time worrying about the relationship I was in. I couldn't feel the same amount of commitment coming from him and it was unclear to me why things weren't working out the way I'd imagined them. I don't want to agonize over what went wrong. I only know that he wasn't ready for a greater commitment like I was. I know his fears were overwhelming him. I couldn't change that and I needed resolution. When I finally asked him if he truly wanted to be with me, he could only say no because he couldn't say yes with all his heart. That happened last week. I felt an acute loss for about two days. The pain was almost literally like a weight on my chest. But somehow, on the third day, I felt relief. I'd accepted what happened and woke up with a feeling of happiness and peace unlike any I'd felt for some time. I see possibilities for my life that I haven't seen before because it happened.

Take note of the poem at the beginning of this post. I found it two days ago and it explains perfectly how I feel about the loss that I have just experienced. Instead of viewing it as something spoiled, I see it as something that wasn't for me. I can leave it unharvested and continue on my path without without regret. I am satisfied to have spent the time that I did enjoying it and learning from it. Now I can move on.

The week that my relationship ended I also started working at a new job. I won't be able to give many details about it here, because I am working at a treatment facility for adolescent girls who have addictions. It has been eye-opening to work with these teenagers. They come from a variety of backgrounds and have many different challenges. They must be watched constantly to ensure that they are not engaging in behaviors that will harm themselves or others. I actually love working with them and I feel very fulfilled at work presently. It isn't an easy job, but it is the kind of work that I enjoy doing.

So today I am grateful. I feel at peace. I am not sure where my path will take me, but I am done trying to change things that are out of my power. Doctrine and Covenants 123: 16-17 has been going through my mind lately:

You know, brethren, that a very large ship is benefited very much by a very small helm in the time of a storm, by being kept workways with the wind and the waves. Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

Focusing on my ability to act instead of focusing on what others are doing is one of the most important lessons I've ever learned, and I continue to learn it each time I am faced with a trial. If I constantly worry about something that is out of my power, I give my peace away. I am thankful that it has returned, along with a good dose of hope.

Oh, and Happy St. Patrick's Day to everyone! I'll celebrate tonight by eating green cafeteria food at work. I hope you enjoy your day too.