is getting back to basics.

This post isn't meant to be pretty or inspirational or anything, it's just something a little deeper than what I've been posting lately. Those things consititute little obsessions for me and I recognize that I need to go back to what is most important in my life. I love the gospel. I am so glad that I know it's true. I wish sometimes that I could be as caught up in it as I am in other trivial things, but that's my choice, right? It's almost like I can step outside of myself and recognize that I am going through some stage and I will be over it soon and the most important things in my life will still be there. I feel the need again to do some soul housekeeping and clean out the things that are keeping me from focusing on the most important aspects of my life. I am a list-maker, so here are some things I know I need to work on:

1. Prayer. Doing more than reading off a to-do/thank you list to the Lord. I need to really ask for what I need and ask the Lord to help me know what I need. I need to pray more for other people too.

2. Scripture study. Not just reading the scriptures, but studying them. I need to seek answers in them and learn to ask the right questions. I need to do it when I am not dead tired too!

3. Charity. Seeing more in a person than what they do and refraining from judgment. I know that it is impossible to tell what trials a person deals with by simply looking at them or even interacting with them. And I may never know. And should this change the way I treat them anyhow? No. I need to be kind to every person I meet and interact with, letting go of past hurts, offenses, and grudges.

4. Temple attendance. Not just when it is convenient, but when I know I need to go. I feel a pull toward the temple and I know I need to spend more time there pondering greater questions in my life and seeking to understand the Lord's will as well as accomplishing work for the dead.

5. Church service. Seeking to do more than just the bare minimum for my calling, but (at the risk of sounding cliched) really magnifying it.

I have a new semester ahead of me and new opportunities to make my life and the lives of those around me better. I feel hopeful. I feel very blessed. I know the Lord doesn't do this for me so that I can sit around feeling good and being useless. I need to act and give service. I hope that I can help bring more good to pass.

is invisible.

As I walked around campus doing errands and going to class I would occasionally see someone I knew. I would try to make eye contact and wave, but five times out of six (literally... I counted)the person didn't wave back or even acknowledge I was there. Maybe they didn't recognize me? I can hardly accept that. I am not offended, but it was really strange. Maybe I have finally achieved my childhood dream of being invisible. Now I can do whatever I want!

writes in her electronic diary.

found a new Muse... literally.

Okay, the title is a really bad pun but this band is great! How did I not know about them earlier? I love Brit rock, it defines my life. This band is a mix of everything I love about it: gorgeous tenor vocals, intricate melodies, beautiful lyrics, AWESOME guitar, and yes, British accents. Oh, they are so good. I have the lyrics to Butterflies and Hurricanes running through my head today:

change,
everything you are
and everything you were
your number has been called
fights, battles have begun
revenge will surely come
your hard times are ahead

best,
you've got to be the best
you've got to change the world
and you use this chance to be heard
your time is now

change,
everything you are
and everything you were
your number has been called
fights and battles have begun
revenge will surely come
your hard times are ahead

best,
you've got to be the best
you've got to change the world
and you use this chance to be heard
your time is now

don't,
let yourself down
don't let yourself go
your last chance has arrived

best,
you've got to be the best
you've got to change the world
and you use this chance to be heard
your time is now

I'm not going to make any poetic applications to my life right now, but it makes me happy and it is very thought-provoking. I recommend Muse to any who love Keane, Travis, Radiohead, etc.

P.S. Check out their videos on my side bar.

wants to write a novel.

I've had this urge to write something substantial and meaningful for over a year now. Maybe it stems from my obsession with YA fiction. I've had a couple of ideas come into my head, but they've been fleeting. None of the ideas have been intriguing enough to write out more than a few pages at best. So, I'm wondering, if you wrote a novel, what would it be about? Don't worry, I won't steal your ideas. I just want to know what is inside your head. Isn't that frightening?

P.S. I thought the picture of Henry Cavill in my last post would be hot enough to get some comments. I guess I was wrong. You are all so disspointing!

is in love with a vampire.

I just finished reading New Moon and Eclipse within three days and I just have to gush about my new found love--Edward Cullen. I will get on and write something more meaningful about my whole experience in Europe probably on my other blog, but right now I can't think of anything else! I can't even write my senior thesis! Oh well. That's what happens when you get involved with someone like him. He's perfect in every way, except for one: he has no soul. But do we really believe that? I don't know if I do. It's really intriguing to me how incredibly appealing he is as a character. I haven't come across anything like him in all the years I've been reading. Stephenie Meyer has created an irresistable character, the epitome of someone that is just out of reach and for some reason, it is SO attractive. Why is that the case with us humans? Why don't we want what is safe and comfortable? Or at least "good for us"? (And I don't necessarily believe this term in all of its connotations) Like Jacob Black? Jacob tells Bella that Edward is essentially her brand of heroin, the same thing that Edward told her much earlier. "He's like a drug for you, Bella... I can see that you can't live without him now. It's too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun." And she does love him, "I want to love you and make you happy. And I can't, and it's killing me... I never had a choice. I always knew nothing would change. Maybe that's why I was fighting against you so hard." She recognizes the possibilities for herself and Jacob, but recognizes that the one she can't sacrifice is Edward. I don't blame her one bit. She gave her heart away before she met Jacob.

I guess I am babbling on about this because it just seems like a situation that can't turn out perfectly, in the definition of fairy tale endings. But I'm not really interested in a fairy tale ending, and I don't think Edward and Bella are either. The truth is, there is always sacrifice involved. For Bella, the sacrifices seem endless. She must give up her mortal existence, the possibility of a future family, her immediate family (to a certain degree), Jacob, her friends, all "human" experiences, and in return she gets Edward, the true love of her life. He has already been denied human experience, not by choice, and has lived many years waiting for someone like Bella, but he did not imagine that she would be human. He must give up his literal thirst for her--his "natural man" instinct associated with being a vampire--and her humanness--which includes many of the things that draw her to him. His list seems short in comparison and he constantly feels like he is not worthy of her love, while she feels the same about him. While I think some would complain that Bella is giving up too much, I argue in her and Edward's favor because what is worth more than love? True love, that is. I agree with Bella when she said, "You can't make me go somewhere you won't be... that's my definition of hell."

So I am in love with the idea of their relationship. It is not perfect, it is flawed and dangerous and both have made so many mistakes, but the effort that they are putting into being together for the right reasons is undeniable. They deserve to be together because of that pure love. They are so young and I think their reasoning must be understood from that level, it is incredibly passionate because of it and because of the forces that have threatened to keep them apart. It's better than Romeo and Juliet because they can only be together forever in death. Life is too short for their love. On a spiritual note, isn't that the way it should be? Life should be too short for the love between two people. Maybe not as potentially "damned" vampires, but as two people that see time as a restraint to the love they feel. Time is not enough.

I see that it's late and I am still jet-lagged, and this is getting thoroughly sappy, but really! I think that Edward (well, Stephenie Meyer) has awakened ridiculous expectations for love in me. And that might not be a good thing. I just can't accept anything less than being completely in love with someone and being willing to make those kinds of sacrifices. I have never experienced that kind of devotion and I want to. I want to be that devoted. I'm going to keep looking for my Edward...

............ well, a title's not important.

St. Petersburg continues to be a really excellent experience. I will post more about my day to day activities some time later, but I just wanted to share one thing right now. In honor of my favorite poet's birthday, Pushkin, I will post one of his verses. I did a translation that has a pretty religious slant on it, but I feel really inspired by it. In light of the many difficulties that some of my dear friends have been dealing with lately, I feel like this poem is especially applicable. It is about times in our lives when we feel cheated or dissapointed by things that happen to us.

Если жизнь тебя обманет,
Не печалься, не сердись!
В день уныния смирись:
День веселья, верь, настанет.

Сердце в будущем живет;
Настоящее уныло:
Все мгновенно, все пройдет;
Что пройдет, то будет мило.

If life should ever dissapoint you,
Don't get angry, don't despair
When plagued by sin, bow down in prayer
Joy surely comes when all is through

Our hearts long for a higher glory
When days go by so dismally
Yet all is passing, cursory
And all we overcome goes sweetly

I know that in life's most difficult, most dissapointing moments we can overcome feelings of hopelessness and discouragement. I know that the Lord will give us joy if we turn to him. The feeling of peace that I have right now in my life is so wonderful. I wouldn't give it up for anything. I wish I could give this feeling to everyone.

is in Russia!

Привет всем! Hey everyone! I am now in St. Petersburg, Russia. If you would like to contact me, I'll be on the internet all the time. So, email me! It's not hard to find an internet cafe here. In fact, that's a funny story. The internet cafe I found also doubles as a gay bookstore. Hahaha... I really am a magnet. I miss everyone, but I am also so happy to be here. I will be posting more on my other blog, so take a look. Love you all. Пока!

mourns.

Another one of life's wakeup calls happened today. A member of my extended family died. It was an accident no one was expecting in the least. His family is experiencing a huge loss and they have a large burden to carry. It makes me think about my relationships with my family members and how I need to make sure that they are good. I am just in shock.

misses her boys.

Right now I am hanging out at home with my family and it's wonderful. There is no comparison to spending time with them. But there is a little piece of my heart still in Utah. I miss my boys. Not all of them are in Utah at the moment, they are spread across the state and some aren't even in the country anymore. Wherever you are, you are in my heart.

Now let's delve into my psyche...
I remember talking to Isaac a while ago about my relationships with homosexual men and how I seem to be drawn to them. I've mentioned before how I feel somewhat like a magnet and my theory's been proven over and over again. I didn't intend on seeking out these relationships (I've been accused of this and believe me, I am innocent!), but I believe that these men are a part of my life for a reason and I am very grateful that they are in my life. It might be a coincidence, it might be my personality, it might be my interests, it might be fate, or a combination of all these things.

Here are some of the questions I have:

What characteristics do homosexual men have (that straight men don't) that I am inexplicably attracted to?
Why am I attracted to homosexual men without even realizing they are homosexual at first? Why am I surprised when this happens?
Why do I treasure their friendship more than my relationships with straight men?
Am I intimidated by straight men?
What is missing in my interactions with straight men that should lead to friendship, but inevitably don't?
Do I need to seek out relationships with straight men? If so, how do I do it?
Do I need to try and "find" people to date? If so, how do I do it?
Is there something wrong with having a wide circle of male homosexual friends?
How can I better relate to these men?
Is it impolite to treat them the same way I would treat a straight man (flirting and so on)?
How can I be a better friend?
Does this stuff even matter at all?

In the past four months my group of male friends has gone from about two (John and Le Mec) to quite a few, maybe even twenty. It's amazing. I've wished for a close group of guy friends all my life. It hasn't happened until now. I consider it a blessing. I love the things we are able to talk about together. I feel like we have a lot of common interests. I am grateful for the emotional intimacy without the pressure of dating. I HATE mind games. I don't play them and I think a lot of straight guys have wanted me to be a little less accessible, but I just don't roll like that. I'm sorry if I'm not better at playing hard to get. I don't necessarily feel discouraged about dating, but it is absent in my life right now. I wonder if that is my fault or if it's just the nature of dating in Provo. I wonder if it is even possible that I am spending too much time with my boys and I'm not making myself available. The problem with this is that I have spent A LOT of time in the past making myself available by going to ward activities, getting to know people, going by their apartments, bugging them, asking them out on dates, and doing all of the somewhat desperate things girls do to get noticed at a place like BYU and it hasn't really produced dating opportunities (aside from John... I was pretty darn persistent with him). So, that makes me think that I should just hang back a little for now. And that's what I've been doing the whole semester. So before you think I'm pathetic or whiny or something, please understand that I am just fine with my situation and I'm not complaining. I'm just trying to analyze what is going on with the relationships I am forming in my life. I also want anyone who reads this to understand that my relationships with homosexual men are not in any way some kind of filler. They aren't bridging an emotional gap for the time being until I can find a straight guy. I am happy with who I am and I choose my friends, not based on their sexual orientation. I choose them based on who they are as people. It just happens that many of them are gay.

Alright, so I am trying to get to a point with all of this. What roles are my relationships with homosexual men playing right now in my life? Well, a lot of roles. The same roles that any other friends play, for the most part. I confide in them, trust them, love them, pray for them, joke with them, tease them, comfort them, and they do so many of these things for me. There is a motherly side of me as well that wants to take them all in and help them feel loved and cared for. This is what I'll call my Wendy complex. I know these men aren't lost and looking for a surrogate mother (I'm hardly that), but I want to take care of them to a certain extent. I'm happy to be there for them. This is different than my relationships with straight men. I don't feel like they would want me to do this for them. Maybe too much of my relationships with men is based on nurturing. What should it be based on, then? Is that wrong? I don't want it to be based on physical attraction alone. I want to feel a deeper connection. Taken to the extreme, my Wendy complex has turned into a monster in the past which was manifested in boyfriends that I actually pitied and took care of more than I loved and desired. I thought that they needed me so I stuck around and suffered to a certain extent. Sometimes I sacrificed too much. Now I know that this is definitely wrong. I know that to have healthy relationships I can't need a person; I have to be self-sustained first and then I actually have the capacity to give love instead of craving some other kind of fulfillment.

So, I miss my boys. I miss having such wonderful men around me. I miss them for the great friends that they are to me. I hope that they know how much they mean to me. Maybe someday I will figure out what draws me to gay men. I hope to always enjoy their friendship. I hope that I am not misunderstanding my relationships with them and I will keep trying to be better friend to all my friends, gay or straight.

is going back to where she left her heart.

I am going back to Eastern Europe this summer, for all who are wondering where I might be: here's the beginning of a new blog that will detail my travels.

Before I leave I am documenting how I felt last time so that I can begin this trip with a new perspective, learning from my prior misconceptions. I have a feeling that this summer is going to be life-altering for me.

On a related note, Isaac and I just had a deep conversation about the possibilities that this summer might hold. I think it's going to be a crucial time for many of my close friends and for myself. I can see that many choices have led me to this point in my life. I would like to try and guess what might be in store for me, but I don't think that's possible. But there are things I would like to happen, and I will list them here:

1. Resurrect my love for Slavic culture and the Russian language

2. Finish the requirements for my major and run my ORCA project

3. Make some new friends

4. Lose a little weight while running around there

5. Finish War and Peace (I didn't make it the first time)

6. Visit some people I left behind

What do you want to happen this summer?