is in love with a vampire.

I just finished reading New Moon and Eclipse within three days and I just have to gush about my new found love--Edward Cullen. I will get on and write something more meaningful about my whole experience in Europe probably on my other blog, but right now I can't think of anything else! I can't even write my senior thesis! Oh well. That's what happens when you get involved with someone like him. He's perfect in every way, except for one: he has no soul. But do we really believe that? I don't know if I do. It's really intriguing to me how incredibly appealing he is as a character. I haven't come across anything like him in all the years I've been reading. Stephenie Meyer has created an irresistable character, the epitome of someone that is just out of reach and for some reason, it is SO attractive. Why is that the case with us humans? Why don't we want what is safe and comfortable? Or at least "good for us"? (And I don't necessarily believe this term in all of its connotations) Like Jacob Black? Jacob tells Bella that Edward is essentially her brand of heroin, the same thing that Edward told her much earlier. "He's like a drug for you, Bella... I can see that you can't live without him now. It's too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun." And she does love him, "I want to love you and make you happy. And I can't, and it's killing me... I never had a choice. I always knew nothing would change. Maybe that's why I was fighting against you so hard." She recognizes the possibilities for herself and Jacob, but recognizes that the one she can't sacrifice is Edward. I don't blame her one bit. She gave her heart away before she met Jacob.

I guess I am babbling on about this because it just seems like a situation that can't turn out perfectly, in the definition of fairy tale endings. But I'm not really interested in a fairy tale ending, and I don't think Edward and Bella are either. The truth is, there is always sacrifice involved. For Bella, the sacrifices seem endless. She must give up her mortal existence, the possibility of a future family, her immediate family (to a certain degree), Jacob, her friends, all "human" experiences, and in return she gets Edward, the true love of her life. He has already been denied human experience, not by choice, and has lived many years waiting for someone like Bella, but he did not imagine that she would be human. He must give up his literal thirst for her--his "natural man" instinct associated with being a vampire--and her humanness--which includes many of the things that draw her to him. His list seems short in comparison and he constantly feels like he is not worthy of her love, while she feels the same about him. While I think some would complain that Bella is giving up too much, I argue in her and Edward's favor because what is worth more than love? True love, that is. I agree with Bella when she said, "You can't make me go somewhere you won't be... that's my definition of hell."

So I am in love with the idea of their relationship. It is not perfect, it is flawed and dangerous and both have made so many mistakes, but the effort that they are putting into being together for the right reasons is undeniable. They deserve to be together because of that pure love. They are so young and I think their reasoning must be understood from that level, it is incredibly passionate because of it and because of the forces that have threatened to keep them apart. It's better than Romeo and Juliet because they can only be together forever in death. Life is too short for their love. On a spiritual note, isn't that the way it should be? Life should be too short for the love between two people. Maybe not as potentially "damned" vampires, but as two people that see time as a restraint to the love they feel. Time is not enough.

I see that it's late and I am still jet-lagged, and this is getting thoroughly sappy, but really! I think that Edward (well, Stephenie Meyer) has awakened ridiculous expectations for love in me. And that might not be a good thing. I just can't accept anything less than being completely in love with someone and being willing to make those kinds of sacrifices. I have never experienced that kind of devotion and I want to. I want to be that devoted. I'm going to keep looking for my Edward...