wonders why.

For all who are wondering, my date wasn't spectacular. I hate to mention this right off the bat, but Jerome wasn't cute. Oh well. He also wasn't talkative. I tried halfheartedly to make conversation, but I really didn't care that much if we even hit it off. He did take me to dinner at Tucano's, however. It seemed to bother him that it was a little expensive, but I didn't mind. Sorry bud, that's life... and dating.

Luckily, after my not-so-incredible date, AtP saved me! We drove around Provo until 4 am shooting the breeze and eating chocolate. I think I have a crush. ;) But really, what I'm wondering is... are there any sensitive, kind, wonderful, straight men out there? I feel SO much more fulfilled spending time with my mohos than any straight guy I can think of at the moment. I know that our relationships are not going any further than friendship, but I'm happy with what we have. I love them so much. Am I messed up for not wanting a stupid straight guy ruining my life? Am I wrong to hope for the possibility that there are straight guys out there who actually have the incredible qualities my mohos have? Am I being too picky because I'm waiting for a guy who actually wants to get to know me and will talk to me until the wee hours of the morning? I think I know the answers to these questions-they are kind of rhetorical-but I'm just starting to wonder about myself. Why do I find myself inadvertently surrounded by men who deal with SSA? I mean, I'm not complaining by any means, but what is it about me that makes me, as AtP calls it, a "fruit fly"? I need to figure out what makes me recoil from dating right now. Perhaps it is just an ebb and flow in my dating life. Whatever it is, I do not plan on volunteering for any more blind dates in the next while and I do plan on spending as much time as I can with the people I love.

doesn't want to go on a date.

I'm going on a double date this weekend that I willingly volunteered for, in fact, I even suggested it. I don't know why. But the sad fact is, I don't want to! The idea of going on a date is so repulsive and annoying right now. I hope I'll be nice to him. I don't know if I want advice, a pep talk, or sympathy, give me whatever you've got. All I know is, his name's Jerome and he sells cars. Oh yeah, it's a blind date too. Exciting.

keeps her promises.

I promised that I would post my notes from my talk, so here they are:

Topic: "He Heals the Heavy Laden" given by Dallin H. Oaks at last general conference

(Disclaimer: this isn't going to be pretty, but I'm not sure how to format it otherwise. This is what is written on my paper. It's generally from my point of view.)

-I am very grateful to speak today. Heavenly Father has given me this opportunity to express the things that I am learning about right now with you. These life lessons are very close to my heart and I hope they can promote understanding in your life as they have in mine.

-My talk today is based on the conference address given by Dallin H. Oaks called "He Heals the Heavy Laden." Out of all the talks given at conference, this was the one that touched me the most. It helped me to start thinking outside of myself once again and consider the challenges that we all have; how diverse they are, how heartbreaking, and how much we need each other to endure. We cannot compromise and judge each other. Of all the things that I would like you to take from this talk, these three things are the most important:

1. We are not defined by our challenges
2. We cannot judge others because of their challenges
3. We must turn to the Savior for relief from the burdens of our challenges

1. We are not defined...

-Has the temptation ever crossed your mind- because you have made a mistake or an unexpected trial has come to you- that you are a lesser person or unworthy of God's mercy?

-Consider the many challenges that we face in this life:

"Many carry heavy burdens. Some have lost a loved one to death or care for one who is disabled. Some have been wounded by divorce. Others yearn for an eternal marriage. Some are caught in the grip of addictive substances or practices like alcohol, tobacco, drugs, or pornography. Others have crippling physical or mental impairments. Some are challenged by same-gender attraction. Some have terrible feelings of depression or inadequacy. In one way or another, many are heavy laden" ("He Heals the Heavy Laden").

The Savior asks us to come to Him in the midst of these trials. His invitation is extended to all.

-Recall our true potential in contrast with the difficulties that face us:

"The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:

And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.

For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us" (Romans 8:16-18).

-Our suffering is not worthy to be compared with our inherent worth and potential glory.

2. We cannot judge others...

-Knowing our potential is not enough. We must recognize the divinity in each other and seek to lift others, not judge them.

-We promise to be our brother's keeper when we take on Christ's name. This was his greatest, most difficult duty and now it becomes ours:

"And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirious to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—" (Mosiah 18:8-9).

-We promise to bear one another's burdens, mourn with those that mourn, comfort those that stand in need of comfort, carrying each other on to eternal life.

-I thought about this concept in a new way when I listened to the words to "Lord I would follow thee" in sacrament meeting last week:

"Who am I to judge another when I walk imperfectly?
In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see.
Who am I to judge another, Lord I would follow thee" (Hymn # 220, "Lord I would Follow Thee).

-In following the Savior and doing his will we can bless the lives of those around us. If we judge and assume that we understand the challenges that another may carry, we do not give ourselves the chance to love them. The fact is, we don't know the hearts of men. Only the Lord does. Our duty is simply to "love one another" (John 13:34-35).

-As Moroni pleaded, we must "pray to unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that [we] may be filled with this love" (Moroni 7:48).

3. We must turn to the Savior...

-Finally, after recognizing our challenges as well as the divinity within ourselves and others, we need to turn to the Lord to have the strength to carry the burdens that have been placed upon us.

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them" (Ether 12:27).

-Dallin H. Oaks shared a letter in his talk from a man who struggles with same-gender attraction. The man describes his challenge saying:

"I knew it would be difficult," he wrote, "but I didn’t realize what I would have to go through." His letter describes the emptiness and loneliness and the incredible pain he experienced from deep within his soul as he sought to return. He prayed mightily for forgiveness, sometimes for hours at a time. He was sustained by reading the scriptures, by the companionship of a loving bishop, and by priesthood blessings. But what finally made the difference was the help of the Savior. He explained:

"It [was] only through Him and His Atonement. … I now feel an overwhelming gratitude. My pains have been almost more than I could bear at times, and yet they were so small compared to what He suffered. Where there once was darkness in my life, there is now love and gratitude."

He continues: "Some profess that change is possible and therapy is the only answer. They are very learned on the subject and have so much to offer those who struggle … , but I worry that they forget to involve Heavenly Father in the process. If change is to happen, it will happen according to the will of God. I also worry that many people focus on the causes of [same-gender attraction]. … There is no need to determine why I have [this challenge]. I don’t know if I was born with it, or if environmental factors contributed to it. The fact of the matter is that I have this struggle in my life and what I do with it from this point forward is what matters."

-"What I do with it from this point forward is what matters." That is the attitude the Lord wants us to have. No matter what challenges, trials, and temptations we experience, no matter what the cause, He wants us to turn to Him. He will never forsake us.

-There is another temptation we might experience in the midst of suffering: to imagine that no one understands what we deal with or no one cares. Regardless of whether this is true concerning the people around us, our Savior knows our pains and He will lighten our burdens on our backs as he did for the people of Alma:

"And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord" (Mosiah 24:14-15).

-The Lord does visit us in our afflictions and we can submit to His will "cheerfully and with patience."

-Healing after trials have left their scars upon us may come in many forms, but the Lord's promise is sure:

"Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.

But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD hath laid on him the iniquity of us all" (Isaiah 53:4-6).

-He promises us peace in this life and a fullness of joy in the eternities. He loves us. He understands us. Our burdens are too great to bear alone, may we find refuge in our Savior and greater love for one another.

has PMS.

It's not just an excuse, it really is real. I wouldn't admit it myself until the last couple years when I actually noticed a pattern. Every now and then, towards the end of each month, I get really lonely. I think everyone hates me or doesn't care about me. Generally the latter is worse. But I know it isn't true. People do care about me. Just last night I unloaded emotionally on my good friend Le Mec who innocently thought we were going to study. Even though I thought what I felt at the time was valid, it really wasn't based on anything too concrete except my exaggerated perception of the past week. I know that I have wonderful, caring people surrounding me and still, I feel unfulfilled at times. It's a part of the human condition. I believe the root to this problem of loneliness is more than just my interactions with other people, but my need for a completely fulfilling (in every aspect) relationship. Does this exist among mortals? I really don't think so. Even in a marriage relationship the husband and wife must nurture their relationship with the Savior in order to become closer to each other. Our relationship with the Savior should trump every other relationship. I know this and sometimes it is still hard to really feel it and even try to comprehend it. However, I believe I am moving beyond the idea that any romantic relationship will "save me" (see example below). This idea held me in it's grip for too long.



Once I realized that relationships don't solve life's challenges, I had an astonishing realization: I can feel whole as I am. It is not the idea that two halves make a whole, but two people, in blessed circumstances, are able to come together to make something that is greater than the sum of their whole selves, but that is not accomplished by their good intentions alone. According to the Lord's plan, we will eventually have the opportunity to become perfect as we align our purposes with God's and find someone who we will grow with as we become perfect. But my journey can't begin as a lost, frail maiden who is trapped by the idea that she must be "saved" by a "prince". I guess what I am getting at, after all this femininely charged ranting, is that I know I can be content with myself. I know I tend to lose it in emotional situations, like last night, and feel lonely and like less of a person. I know that despite weak moments, I can feel fulfilled through the atonement. I remember reading the epilogue from the book Born That Way by Erin Eldridge when she made a wonderful statement about how she eventually was able to be married, but she didn't want to make this blessing the focus of her book because her prince, the only one who could save her, is the Prince of Peace. We can all be whole through the Savior, I know it and I just need to keep reminding myself of it.

cries at the pulpit.

It's not as bad as it used to be. I got through most of my talk without breaking down. When I get the time, I will type out my notes and post them for you. Just not tonight. I still need to grade papers and it's almost midnight! I'm a huge procrastinator, if you didn't pick that up earlier. So, I am glad for all the positive feedback I received about my talk today. I really wanted to express the feelings I've been collecting for the past two months in kind of a public forum. I tried not to follow my personal agenda and just communicate what the Lord wanted me to. Thanks to my friends who came and supported me! I love you. Thanks to all who were with me in spirit. This is starting to sound like an awards acceptance speech. Haha... I'm done.

wants to speak in sacrament meeting?!

Okay, I have officially lost my mind. I was asked to speak in sacrament meeting and I am excited. That's right. My topic: Dallin H Oaks' conference address "He Heals the Heavy Laden." I want to address so many things and I don't just want to express my opinion, but I want the members of my ward to be aware of the fact that we all deal with different challenges and we know that the Lord will be merciful to us if we come to him; we also need to be merciful with each other. This is connected to a recent post by John who said that he would like to be able to share his struggle with SSA with his ward members, but the atmosphere of the church is not ready for a confession of that kind. I wish it were. It isn't generally necessary for us to know what challenges our brothers and sisters deal with--that is private information--but I am so much more compassionate when I take the time to recognize that we each are imperfect and we each need the Savior. We misjudge one another far too often. I though about this on Sunday when we sang the hymn "Lord I Would Follow Thee":

Who am I to judge another
When I walk imperfectly?
In the quiet heart is hidden
Sorrow that the eye can't see.
Who am I to judge another?
Lord, I would follow thee.

I hope the Lord will help me to express the important realizations that I have had recently on this subject when I speak next week. I hope that I will touch someone's heart to help them treat their brothers and sisters with more sensitivity. We are our brother's keepers. I know that the Lord has not placed us together on this earth to judge each other and turn away in times of need. At certain times in my life I have felt so angry that the church has not been a place of refuge. In fact, in my early teen years it was one of the greatest sources of persecution that I ever experienced. That has not caused me to turn away or my testimony to diminish, but it has increased my desire to affect a change. Changes begin with me, of course. I recognize that I am a fairly big hypocrite right now even as I am typing this. I feel detached from my ward. I don't want to go to Relief Society. It is emotionally (and sometimes spiritually) draining to sit through mediocre (and even downright incorrect) lessons and afterwards get ignored by the other sisters in the ward. I sit in sacrament meeting and feel renewed by taking the sacrament and uplifted by the words spoken, but once again, I retreat back to my place of comfort after the meeting is over and I don't really reach out to anyone. I can't continue to behave this way if I really want to show that I care about others. This talk will not be a tirade on the injustices that we perpetuate with our judgmental behavior, but I want it to be somewhat of a wake-up call. They say the teacher learns even more than those they teach, so I hope to be awakened to a greater degree as well.

If anyone has suggestions or a situation that they would like to share with me that would help in forming ideas for this talk, please let me know. I would love to hear what you think.

falls asleep in the temple.

It is inevitable. But mainly, I just wanted to say that today I went to the temple and gained back some perspective. As I sat talking about the intricate nature of our existence with one of my good friends I said to him, "you know, we will look back on this conversation in ten years and wonder why we were so confused and scared about where our lives might go..." When I looked around the room at the newlyweds snuggling together and the wrinkly, disheveled older couples serenely clasping each other's hands, I didn't feel my usual surge of loneliness. I felt hope that God's plan for me will be good. I recognized once again that I have done all I can, at least ordinance-wise, up to this point in my life. I am where I need to be. I hope to feel peace in my little place for as long as I need to. I don't intend to stand still and wait for life to happen to me, but I can only plan for things that concern me. That is what I'm doing.

So, here's my top ten list of why I like my life right now:
1. I am busy, but not too busy that I'm going insane. I think you could call it "anxiously engaged."
2. I have great friends and I spend a fair amount of time with them too.
3. I get to dance every day at school.
4. I am learning how to do new things like the "games" section of the LSAT and swimming.
5. My car works and gas is cheap!
6. I walk to school and listen to awesome music on my iPod daily.
7. I talk to my mom every day.
8. I'm not pining for anyone.
9. I just received two grants that will help me pay for most of my school expenses!
10. The Lord is watching out for me.

My life is simple right now and I'm glad about that. Emotional rollercoasters can be exciting but I've never really been a big fan of rollercoasters in general. I'm happy right where I am.

keeps going.

Выхожу один я на дорогу,
Сквозь туман кремистый путь блестит,
Ночь тиха. Пустыня внемлет Богу,
И звезда с звездою говорит.

В небесах торжественно и чудно,
Спит земля в сиянье голубом...
Что же мне так больно и так трудно,
Жду ль чего? Жалею ли о чём?

Уж не жду от жизни ничего я,
И не жаль мне прошлого ничуть,
Я ищу свободы и покоя!
Я б хотел забыться и заснуть!

Но не тем холодным сном могилы,
Я б желал навеки так заснуть,
Чтоб в груди дремали жизни силы,
Чтоб, дыша, вздымалась тихо грудь.

Чтоб всю ночь, весь день мой слух лелея,
Про любовь мне сладкий голос пел,
Надо мной чтоб, вечно зеленея,
Тёмный дуб склонялся и шумел.

I walk out alone upon my way
Through the gloom the cobble-stone path glimmers.
Night is silent while the desert prays
But a pair of stars exchanges faint murmurs.

In the awesome heavens all is peaceful
And the earth dreams, bathed in blue resplendence.
Why is this, my path, so hard and painful?
Why do I wait? Must I feel repentance?

No, the past has nothing worth my pity
There is nothing to expect from living.
I seek only freedom and serenity
And to drift off toward eternal dreaming.

My desire is not the grave's cold sleeping,
But I wish to spend forever drowsing
So life's forces in my breast are dreaming
And that filled with my breath, my breast is rising.

And a sweet voice singing love songs o'er me,
Day and night enchantingly serenading.
And a dark oak arches high above me
With its everlasting green leaves rustling.

Mikhail Lermontov


The first time I read this poem I thought it was depressing. Another one of Lermontov's angsty pleas for his life to end and all the pain he feels to pass. That might have been his motivation to write it, or it might not have. Regardless, it takes on a new meaning for me now. The imagery of walking on a moonlit path in life seems applicable. The path is lit, but just barely. Why does this life seem so difficult when we are promised peace in the next? I don't feel restless about my life at this point, but I don't know exactly where it is going. Why do we have to wait? Why must we feel guilt or pain? Because we're learning. I used to think that God was constantly knocking me off of my feet in order to teach me a lesson. I thought it was unkind that I was always uncomfortable and that I could never fully learn something before I had to move on to something else. Well, that's faith. If I feel too comfortable about my path, that is a sign that I am wandering off to the side where I can take a rest. If I think I know where I am going, I am usually wrong. Not in a bad way, wrong doesn't always equal something terrible. It just equals something different.

While Lermontov said that he can expect nothing from life, I want to modify that and say I can't expect anything specific from life, but I can expect joy and pain. I can expect to grow and become the person I need to be if I keep going when it's hard and when it's easy. This isn't especially eloquent, but I like to remind myself that the sum of my life is each day.

just signed my life away.

I have now entered the world of LSAT! I just went to my first test prep class and I'm about to face the wild beast... my first practice test is this Saturday. I hope I don't get below a 140. Pray for me!

is Stranger than Fiction.

I just watched Stranger than Fiction tonight with my bffs. It had one of the most ingenious plots out of all the movies I've seen this year. I also was intrigued by the plot in Casino Royale, but I won't blog about it. It was just a good action film for once that wasn't entirely cheapened by typical Bond indiscretions. Well, maybe I should take that back. But it is the best Bond film so far, I believe (and I'll probably get screamed at for that). Anyhow, I thoroughly enjoyed Stranger than Fiction and even loved the message that it portrayed. I couldn't decide who had the bigger realization, Harold Crick or Kay Eiffel. Both realized something about the power they possess in this life. Harold believed that life was prescriptive. He reveled in safety and order, never stepping out of the bounds he set for himself. He didn't allow himself to dream and when he found himself experiencing something out of the ordinary, he believed that he was going crazy. I loved the awkward declaration of his interest in Ana Pascal- "I want you." The quiet realization of his life's dreams was wonderful as well as his selfless sacrifice that he believed would lead to his inevitable end. In contrast to Harold's innocence, Kay was so jaded about life that she imagined the best ending to every book she'd ever written was an untimely death. Her research led her to be insensitive to the suffering of others as she scoured the hospital for people who weren't just sick, but dying in order to provide her with inspiration for her latest book. Then in unlikely ways, both Kay and Harold realized that life is about reaching out to others and changing things that they were comfortable with: anonymity, order (in Harold's case), and hopelessness. I have already posted about this, but I will say it again, life exists to reach out to others. Without the connections that we make in this life, our existence is meaningless. Alone, we are nothing. It is not that relationships define us, but our willingness to participate in life makes everything worthwhile, even the hard parts. We love, lose, mourn, comfort, celebrate, encourage, and do countless other things with other people. They all require someone else to share the experience with. I am not preaching that everyone should find someone and settle down in order to find meaning in life, that is a painful and even harmful BYU solution. But we should not be afraid to break the boundaries of our lives. We set them and too often we allow them to control ourselves. I also realized that sometimes we need catalysts in our lives to cause these realizations, like Ana who forces Harold to eat his first homemade cookie, sometimes we don't know what we are missing out on and we need a friend to open our eyes, "Did you like the cookies?... Yes, thank you for forcing me to eat them." I love those who have taken the time to slowly pry my eyes open and are patient with me as I realize the possibilities that life holds.

is seeking understanding.

So few people ever read my blog that I feel it is a safe environment to discuss my current thoughts about a struggle that I have recently discovered a couple of my best friends deal with. I don't want to be overly candid or tip-toe around the subject because it shouldn't be that way. I don't wish for it to be and I hope that someday it can be discussed with greater compassion and understanding. The challenge is same-gender attraction. When my friend told me about his struggle, I didn't know how to feel. I was numb. I sobbed and told him that I felt like this challenge was so cruel and unfair. I told him that I didn't want him to be alone in this life. I didn't understand how I should react because I had never heard someone admit this to me before in my life. I felt that the situation was somehow hopeless. I am so glad that I understand more now. Some of my first words after this moment of reality struck were:

"the words [we spoke]... are a mass of frustration, sobbing, and pain... I was shocked. I can hardly explain how I feel right now. It doesn't seem real to me."

A couple days later I wrote "I am trying to have more charity and forget about my pain... The lessons I am learning about life right now are so crucial. I don't know why I am so compelled to understand the true nature of love, but I guess it is the most important of all God's commandments- love one another."

My last entry about my friend reads "I accept him as he is and recognize now what my place is- to simply love him. What else can I do for anyone? I can serve them and love them, there is nothing greater and sometimes it's hard because it doesn't produce the results that I wish it would, but true service does not seek those ends. Service and love just are, that's all. The whole experience has helped me realize that a person is not defined by what they struggle with. He is not defined by his same-gender attraction... I feel like I have just been in a very perception-altering situation and for me it was. I see life in a new way. I see that every person has challenges. What they are and how they deal with them varies. My role is to 'have insights to others lives' not to judge, but to serve them as I 'recognize their needs, their desires, their hopes' (quoted from my patriarchal blessing). That does not give me leeway to define them and imagine that I can judge. I cannot. Only the Lord knows the hearts of men."

I love the men in my life who deal with this challenge. I have already gained so much understanding through my friendships with them. And aside from these realizations, they are simply good people. I love being around them. Their strength and courage astounds me and strengthens me. I pray that I may never make a disparaging remark about anyone ever again who struggles with, really, any challenge in life. My duty, and my joy, is to love those who I have the opportunity to build relationships with in this life. I am so thankful for this realization.