keeps going.

Выхожу один я на дорогу,
Сквозь туман кремистый путь блестит,
Ночь тиха. Пустыня внемлет Богу,
И звезда с звездою говорит.

В небесах торжественно и чудно,
Спит земля в сиянье голубом...
Что же мне так больно и так трудно,
Жду ль чего? Жалею ли о чём?

Уж не жду от жизни ничего я,
И не жаль мне прошлого ничуть,
Я ищу свободы и покоя!
Я б хотел забыться и заснуть!

Но не тем холодным сном могилы,
Я б желал навеки так заснуть,
Чтоб в груди дремали жизни силы,
Чтоб, дыша, вздымалась тихо грудь.

Чтоб всю ночь, весь день мой слух лелея,
Про любовь мне сладкий голос пел,
Надо мной чтоб, вечно зеленея,
Тёмный дуб склонялся и шумел.

I walk out alone upon my way
Through the gloom the cobble-stone path glimmers.
Night is silent while the desert prays
But a pair of stars exchanges faint murmurs.

In the awesome heavens all is peaceful
And the earth dreams, bathed in blue resplendence.
Why is this, my path, so hard and painful?
Why do I wait? Must I feel repentance?

No, the past has nothing worth my pity
There is nothing to expect from living.
I seek only freedom and serenity
And to drift off toward eternal dreaming.

My desire is not the grave's cold sleeping,
But I wish to spend forever drowsing
So life's forces in my breast are dreaming
And that filled with my breath, my breast is rising.

And a sweet voice singing love songs o'er me,
Day and night enchantingly serenading.
And a dark oak arches high above me
With its everlasting green leaves rustling.

Mikhail Lermontov


The first time I read this poem I thought it was depressing. Another one of Lermontov's angsty pleas for his life to end and all the pain he feels to pass. That might have been his motivation to write it, or it might not have. Regardless, it takes on a new meaning for me now. The imagery of walking on a moonlit path in life seems applicable. The path is lit, but just barely. Why does this life seem so difficult when we are promised peace in the next? I don't feel restless about my life at this point, but I don't know exactly where it is going. Why do we have to wait? Why must we feel guilt or pain? Because we're learning. I used to think that God was constantly knocking me off of my feet in order to teach me a lesson. I thought it was unkind that I was always uncomfortable and that I could never fully learn something before I had to move on to something else. Well, that's faith. If I feel too comfortable about my path, that is a sign that I am wandering off to the side where I can take a rest. If I think I know where I am going, I am usually wrong. Not in a bad way, wrong doesn't always equal something terrible. It just equals something different.

While Lermontov said that he can expect nothing from life, I want to modify that and say I can't expect anything specific from life, but I can expect joy and pain. I can expect to grow and become the person I need to be if I keep going when it's hard and when it's easy. This isn't especially eloquent, but I like to remind myself that the sum of my life is each day.