It's not just an excuse, it really is real. I wouldn't admit it myself until the last couple years when I actually noticed a pattern. Every now and then, towards the end of each month, I get really lonely. I think everyone hates me or doesn't care about me. Generally the latter is worse. But I know it isn't true. People do care about me. Just last night I unloaded emotionally on my good friend Le Mec who innocently thought we were going to study. Even though I thought what I felt at the time was valid, it really wasn't based on anything too concrete except my exaggerated perception of the past week. I know that I have wonderful, caring people surrounding me and still, I feel unfulfilled at times. It's a part of the human condition. I believe the root to this problem of loneliness is more than just my interactions with other people, but my need for a completely fulfilling (in every aspect) relationship. Does this exist among mortals? I really don't think so. Even in a marriage relationship the husband and wife must nurture their relationship with the Savior in order to become closer to each other. Our relationship with the Savior should trump every other relationship. I know this and sometimes it is still hard to really feel it and even try to comprehend it. However, I believe I am moving beyond the idea that any romantic relationship will "save me" (see example below). This idea held me in it's grip for too long.
Once I realized that relationships don't solve life's challenges, I had an astonishing realization: I can feel whole as I am. It is not the idea that two halves make a whole, but two people, in blessed circumstances, are able to come together to make something that is greater than the sum of their whole selves, but that is not accomplished by their good intentions alone. According to the Lord's plan, we will eventually have the opportunity to become perfect as we align our purposes with God's and find someone who we will grow with as we become perfect. But my journey can't begin as a lost, frail maiden who is trapped by the idea that she must be "saved" by a "prince". I guess what I am getting at, after all this femininely charged ranting, is that I know I can be content with myself. I know I tend to lose it in emotional situations, like last night, and feel lonely and like less of a person. I know that despite weak moments, I can feel fulfilled through the atonement. I remember reading the epilogue from the book Born That Way by Erin Eldridge when she made a wonderful statement about how she eventually was able to be married, but she didn't want to make this blessing the focus of her book because her prince, the only one who could save her, is the Prince of Peace. We can all be whole through the Savior, I know it and I just need to keep reminding myself of it.
4 comments:
I wish I could have been there to comfort you. I imagine if I had it would have looked a lot like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWnBTh1mZbI
Seriously though, great insights in this post.
Aargh--I can relate to the whole warped perspective once a month thing. Drives both me and my husband bonkers. Even though it's been happening for years I always forget about it until I'm right in the middle of it.
this post feels almost identical to that conversation we had last week. in other words, i agree entirely about the idea that we can be whole on our own-- with the savior.
in other terms, pms is ridiculous. i need to figure out how to fight it or it's going to get the best of me. heeeeeeeeelp
I often feel like I have a male version of PMS in that I do the same as you, I feel too lonely or too dejected even though I have so many friends that care about me, but yet because I don't have a girlfriend or someone in whom I can be totally honest with and will love me through all my faults, then I can't be happy. And though I don't always think that and I have those good weeks or months where I feel perfectly fine with myself, it's those two to three day periods where I'm just so depressed because i haven't found someone who loves me unconditionally, and I haven't found someone who will allow me to love them unconditionally.
Luckily the Lord has let me know to just be patient, and it'll work, it's just those days that you really have to plow through and hope you can come up on the other end and feel better.
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