Learning the (unwritten) rules of the game... and then ignoring them completely.

I started this entry before I really thought about it. That never happens, right? It was at first a bit of a rant about why I don't understand the unwritten rules of dating and how I don't even understand my own approach at times. I'll let you read it and then I'll respond to myself:

As a 30 year old woman (I tend to start out talking about most dating subjects this way... maybe I shouldn't), I would like to finally understand "the game." As in, "don't hate the player, hate the game." I have never been able to wrap my mind around the way that most people seem to be able to play this game of chase with all its unwritten rules that is supposed to end in love. I used to claim that I wanted a guy to simply come up to me one day and tell me "Hey, I like you. Let's date." And I would say, "Yes! I'd love that." And we'd date. And it would be awesome. Well, I have to eat my words, because I have never experienced that and even if I did, I would probably find myself less than interested in the guy because he didn't make me want it bad enough. On the other hand, I have no idea how to be the kind of girl that makes guys want it bad enough. As my mom has told me on more than one occasion, I am "too available"... at least when I like a guy.

This places me in the middle of a dichotomy. When I don't like a guy, I inadvertently play hard to get because that is my aim. I do not want to be with him and I dodge his advances, which makes him keep trying. Then I have to tell him the truth, and it hurts me and him.

When I do like a guy, I answer all his texts, phone calls, emails, facebook messages, etc. and I wait for my phone to ring like I'm in front of a microwave with a burrito in it. Then I start to wonder if he's thinking about me. I agonize over everything I say to him and fool myself into thinking I'm being evasive enough by waiting five minutes to answer a text. No, nobody's fooled. At that point I have become the needy girlfriend and as a result, get cut loose soon thereafter. (That is, if I even make it to the girlfriend stage.) If I do, heaven help him. I am a tornado of love. Maybe a monsoon. I was told once by an ex, that I am now friends with, that I am a "sunshiney steamroller." He understands my approach now and tried to tell me many times when we were together that it was too much, but I could not be bridled. I was wildly in love with him.

Now I cycle between these two scenarios:

I meet a guy. I like him a lot right away. I start saying too much and doing too much and then... it's over.

OR

I meet a guy. I don't like him right away. I give it a week or two to see what happens. He likes me more than I like him. I try to let him down easy. And I'm never really sure if I do.

Is there a third scenario that I am lacking? Is there a way to ease into a relationship even though I have already decided I like someone quite a bit? You see, this is my challenge. My decisiveness. Once I have decided I like a guy, it's on. It's almost like a death sentence. Not for him, for me. No one likes that kind of pressure looming over them and no matter how hard I try to seem nonchalant, I AM NOT. I'm just not a very subtle girl. In my history of relationships, I tend to be the one who kisses first. I even say "I like you" and the dreaded "I love you" first. Why do I do this? Maybe it's because I'm a control freak and I unconsciously feel compelled to push a relationship along instead of letting it happen. It might stem from fear, but it also might be as straightforward as just being excited and gushing a bit too much.

Okay, this is where I stopped myself. This was becoming a thought spiral. It's one of those moments when thinking about something over and over does nothing but make me feel like I'm losing touch with myself and that maybe I'm a little crazy. But I'm not. I'm very perceptive and self-aware. I recently read an article that might seem kind of unrelated, but I'm going to reference it because it's what too many women tell themselves. We dismiss our feelings with the blanket statement that "we're crazy" and downplay how we feel. The author points out how many women accept statements from other people that lead them to believe that their feelings aren't very important and that they are constantly overreacting. In fact, most women have experienced this so often that we don't need anyone to tell us how off-base we are anymore. We'll do it to ourselves.

This leads me back to what I started to write. I started to dissect myself again and point out all my flaws in how I approach relationships. Am I really that bad? Do I really not know how to express my feelings properly? I know I care and I know that my approach doesn't work for everyone. But it doesn't have to. It's okay to like someone and for those feelings not to be reciprocated. That means it's time to move on. It's also okay for someone to like you and for those feelings not to be returned. They'll learn to move on as well. Hopefully we'll keep doing this until we find the one who wants to stick around. I always say it's a miracle to meet someone who likes you at the same time and with the same intensity that you like them. It's so rare and so wonderful that it's worth all the moments when you wish you could quit. That's my conclusion. I'm not crazy, I'm just not in love right now. I'm still looking, but not searching. My eyes are open, but not focused only on the goal. It makes it hard to see what else is out there. It's kind of refreshing to have an open horizon for once in a long time. It's a good place to be at with the coming of a new year.

I know this post wasn't related to Christmas in any way, but I do want to say MERRY CHRISTMAS to my few readers! You are loved. You are not crazy. Enjoy the season!