cries at the pulpit.

It's not as bad as it used to be. I got through most of my talk without breaking down. When I get the time, I will type out my notes and post them for you. Just not tonight. I still need to grade papers and it's almost midnight! I'm a huge procrastinator, if you didn't pick that up earlier. So, I am glad for all the positive feedback I received about my talk today. I really wanted to express the feelings I've been collecting for the past two months in kind of a public forum. I tried not to follow my personal agenda and just communicate what the Lord wanted me to. Thanks to my friends who came and supported me! I love you. Thanks to all who were with me in spirit. This is starting to sound like an awards acceptance speech. Haha... I'm done.

wants to speak in sacrament meeting?!

Okay, I have officially lost my mind. I was asked to speak in sacrament meeting and I am excited. That's right. My topic: Dallin H Oaks' conference address "He Heals the Heavy Laden." I want to address so many things and I don't just want to express my opinion, but I want the members of my ward to be aware of the fact that we all deal with different challenges and we know that the Lord will be merciful to us if we come to him; we also need to be merciful with each other. This is connected to a recent post by John who said that he would like to be able to share his struggle with SSA with his ward members, but the atmosphere of the church is not ready for a confession of that kind. I wish it were. It isn't generally necessary for us to know what challenges our brothers and sisters deal with--that is private information--but I am so much more compassionate when I take the time to recognize that we each are imperfect and we each need the Savior. We misjudge one another far too often. I though about this on Sunday when we sang the hymn "Lord I Would Follow Thee":

Who am I to judge another
When I walk imperfectly?
In the quiet heart is hidden
Sorrow that the eye can't see.
Who am I to judge another?
Lord, I would follow thee.

I hope the Lord will help me to express the important realizations that I have had recently on this subject when I speak next week. I hope that I will touch someone's heart to help them treat their brothers and sisters with more sensitivity. We are our brother's keepers. I know that the Lord has not placed us together on this earth to judge each other and turn away in times of need. At certain times in my life I have felt so angry that the church has not been a place of refuge. In fact, in my early teen years it was one of the greatest sources of persecution that I ever experienced. That has not caused me to turn away or my testimony to diminish, but it has increased my desire to affect a change. Changes begin with me, of course. I recognize that I am a fairly big hypocrite right now even as I am typing this. I feel detached from my ward. I don't want to go to Relief Society. It is emotionally (and sometimes spiritually) draining to sit through mediocre (and even downright incorrect) lessons and afterwards get ignored by the other sisters in the ward. I sit in sacrament meeting and feel renewed by taking the sacrament and uplifted by the words spoken, but once again, I retreat back to my place of comfort after the meeting is over and I don't really reach out to anyone. I can't continue to behave this way if I really want to show that I care about others. This talk will not be a tirade on the injustices that we perpetuate with our judgmental behavior, but I want it to be somewhat of a wake-up call. They say the teacher learns even more than those they teach, so I hope to be awakened to a greater degree as well.

If anyone has suggestions or a situation that they would like to share with me that would help in forming ideas for this talk, please let me know. I would love to hear what you think.

falls asleep in the temple.

It is inevitable. But mainly, I just wanted to say that today I went to the temple and gained back some perspective. As I sat talking about the intricate nature of our existence with one of my good friends I said to him, "you know, we will look back on this conversation in ten years and wonder why we were so confused and scared about where our lives might go..." When I looked around the room at the newlyweds snuggling together and the wrinkly, disheveled older couples serenely clasping each other's hands, I didn't feel my usual surge of loneliness. I felt hope that God's plan for me will be good. I recognized once again that I have done all I can, at least ordinance-wise, up to this point in my life. I am where I need to be. I hope to feel peace in my little place for as long as I need to. I don't intend to stand still and wait for life to happen to me, but I can only plan for things that concern me. That is what I'm doing.

So, here's my top ten list of why I like my life right now:
1. I am busy, but not too busy that I'm going insane. I think you could call it "anxiously engaged."
2. I have great friends and I spend a fair amount of time with them too.
3. I get to dance every day at school.
4. I am learning how to do new things like the "games" section of the LSAT and swimming.
5. My car works and gas is cheap!
6. I walk to school and listen to awesome music on my iPod daily.
7. I talk to my mom every day.
8. I'm not pining for anyone.
9. I just received two grants that will help me pay for most of my school expenses!
10. The Lord is watching out for me.

My life is simple right now and I'm glad about that. Emotional rollercoasters can be exciting but I've never really been a big fan of rollercoasters in general. I'm happy right where I am.

keeps going.

Выхожу один я на дорогу,
Сквозь туман кремистый путь блестит,
Ночь тиха. Пустыня внемлет Богу,
И звезда с звездою говорит.

В небесах торжественно и чудно,
Спит земля в сиянье голубом...
Что же мне так больно и так трудно,
Жду ль чего? Жалею ли о чём?

Уж не жду от жизни ничего я,
И не жаль мне прошлого ничуть,
Я ищу свободы и покоя!
Я б хотел забыться и заснуть!

Но не тем холодным сном могилы,
Я б желал навеки так заснуть,
Чтоб в груди дремали жизни силы,
Чтоб, дыша, вздымалась тихо грудь.

Чтоб всю ночь, весь день мой слух лелея,
Про любовь мне сладкий голос пел,
Надо мной чтоб, вечно зеленея,
Тёмный дуб склонялся и шумел.

I walk out alone upon my way
Through the gloom the cobble-stone path glimmers.
Night is silent while the desert prays
But a pair of stars exchanges faint murmurs.

In the awesome heavens all is peaceful
And the earth dreams, bathed in blue resplendence.
Why is this, my path, so hard and painful?
Why do I wait? Must I feel repentance?

No, the past has nothing worth my pity
There is nothing to expect from living.
I seek only freedom and serenity
And to drift off toward eternal dreaming.

My desire is not the grave's cold sleeping,
But I wish to spend forever drowsing
So life's forces in my breast are dreaming
And that filled with my breath, my breast is rising.

And a sweet voice singing love songs o'er me,
Day and night enchantingly serenading.
And a dark oak arches high above me
With its everlasting green leaves rustling.

Mikhail Lermontov


The first time I read this poem I thought it was depressing. Another one of Lermontov's angsty pleas for his life to end and all the pain he feels to pass. That might have been his motivation to write it, or it might not have. Regardless, it takes on a new meaning for me now. The imagery of walking on a moonlit path in life seems applicable. The path is lit, but just barely. Why does this life seem so difficult when we are promised peace in the next? I don't feel restless about my life at this point, but I don't know exactly where it is going. Why do we have to wait? Why must we feel guilt or pain? Because we're learning. I used to think that God was constantly knocking me off of my feet in order to teach me a lesson. I thought it was unkind that I was always uncomfortable and that I could never fully learn something before I had to move on to something else. Well, that's faith. If I feel too comfortable about my path, that is a sign that I am wandering off to the side where I can take a rest. If I think I know where I am going, I am usually wrong. Not in a bad way, wrong doesn't always equal something terrible. It just equals something different.

While Lermontov said that he can expect nothing from life, I want to modify that and say I can't expect anything specific from life, but I can expect joy and pain. I can expect to grow and become the person I need to be if I keep going when it's hard and when it's easy. This isn't especially eloquent, but I like to remind myself that the sum of my life is each day.

just signed my life away.

I have now entered the world of LSAT! I just went to my first test prep class and I'm about to face the wild beast... my first practice test is this Saturday. I hope I don't get below a 140. Pray for me!

is Stranger than Fiction.

I just watched Stranger than Fiction tonight with my bffs. It had one of the most ingenious plots out of all the movies I've seen this year. I also was intrigued by the plot in Casino Royale, but I won't blog about it. It was just a good action film for once that wasn't entirely cheapened by typical Bond indiscretions. Well, maybe I should take that back. But it is the best Bond film so far, I believe (and I'll probably get screamed at for that). Anyhow, I thoroughly enjoyed Stranger than Fiction and even loved the message that it portrayed. I couldn't decide who had the bigger realization, Harold Crick or Kay Eiffel. Both realized something about the power they possess in this life. Harold believed that life was prescriptive. He reveled in safety and order, never stepping out of the bounds he set for himself. He didn't allow himself to dream and when he found himself experiencing something out of the ordinary, he believed that he was going crazy. I loved the awkward declaration of his interest in Ana Pascal- "I want you." The quiet realization of his life's dreams was wonderful as well as his selfless sacrifice that he believed would lead to his inevitable end. In contrast to Harold's innocence, Kay was so jaded about life that she imagined the best ending to every book she'd ever written was an untimely death. Her research led her to be insensitive to the suffering of others as she scoured the hospital for people who weren't just sick, but dying in order to provide her with inspiration for her latest book. Then in unlikely ways, both Kay and Harold realized that life is about reaching out to others and changing things that they were comfortable with: anonymity, order (in Harold's case), and hopelessness. I have already posted about this, but I will say it again, life exists to reach out to others. Without the connections that we make in this life, our existence is meaningless. Alone, we are nothing. It is not that relationships define us, but our willingness to participate in life makes everything worthwhile, even the hard parts. We love, lose, mourn, comfort, celebrate, encourage, and do countless other things with other people. They all require someone else to share the experience with. I am not preaching that everyone should find someone and settle down in order to find meaning in life, that is a painful and even harmful BYU solution. But we should not be afraid to break the boundaries of our lives. We set them and too often we allow them to control ourselves. I also realized that sometimes we need catalysts in our lives to cause these realizations, like Ana who forces Harold to eat his first homemade cookie, sometimes we don't know what we are missing out on and we need a friend to open our eyes, "Did you like the cookies?... Yes, thank you for forcing me to eat them." I love those who have taken the time to slowly pry my eyes open and are patient with me as I realize the possibilities that life holds.

is seeking understanding.

So few people ever read my blog that I feel it is a safe environment to discuss my current thoughts about a struggle that I have recently discovered a couple of my best friends deal with. I don't want to be overly candid or tip-toe around the subject because it shouldn't be that way. I don't wish for it to be and I hope that someday it can be discussed with greater compassion and understanding. The challenge is same-gender attraction. When my friend told me about his struggle, I didn't know how to feel. I was numb. I sobbed and told him that I felt like this challenge was so cruel and unfair. I told him that I didn't want him to be alone in this life. I didn't understand how I should react because I had never heard someone admit this to me before in my life. I felt that the situation was somehow hopeless. I am so glad that I understand more now. Some of my first words after this moment of reality struck were:

"the words [we spoke]... are a mass of frustration, sobbing, and pain... I was shocked. I can hardly explain how I feel right now. It doesn't seem real to me."

A couple days later I wrote "I am trying to have more charity and forget about my pain... The lessons I am learning about life right now are so crucial. I don't know why I am so compelled to understand the true nature of love, but I guess it is the most important of all God's commandments- love one another."

My last entry about my friend reads "I accept him as he is and recognize now what my place is- to simply love him. What else can I do for anyone? I can serve them and love them, there is nothing greater and sometimes it's hard because it doesn't produce the results that I wish it would, but true service does not seek those ends. Service and love just are, that's all. The whole experience has helped me realize that a person is not defined by what they struggle with. He is not defined by his same-gender attraction... I feel like I have just been in a very perception-altering situation and for me it was. I see life in a new way. I see that every person has challenges. What they are and how they deal with them varies. My role is to 'have insights to others lives' not to judge, but to serve them as I 'recognize their needs, their desires, their hopes' (quoted from my patriarchal blessing). That does not give me leeway to define them and imagine that I can judge. I cannot. Only the Lord knows the hearts of men."

I love the men in my life who deal with this challenge. I have already gained so much understanding through my friendships with them. And aside from these realizations, they are simply good people. I love being around them. Their strength and courage astounds me and strengthens me. I pray that I may never make a disparaging remark about anyone ever again who struggles with, really, any challenge in life. My duty, and my joy, is to love those who I have the opportunity to build relationships with in this life. I am so thankful for this realization.

never gives up.

No Man is an Island

No man is an island, entire of itself
Every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main
If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friends or of thine own were
Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind
And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls
It tolls for thee. -John Donne

These beautiful words were brought to my mind by the realization, not for the first time, that we never stand alone in humanity no matter what we believe our place is. A very great effort would have to be made for a man to never impact a single soul in his life, in fact, I believe it is impossible. I realize that every effort I make in this life is either to make connections or break them. Our efforts can add up to the greatest realization of happiness we will ever feel, but only if we reach out to others. I truly believe that hell is being left without "root [or] branch" (Mal. 4:1). I realize over and over again that my place is to form relationships that will help me return to Heavenly Father along with my brothers and sisters. I can't work for myself, that is impossible if I am trying to do what is right as well as realize the joy that is available here on earth. There are many factors that complicate the "simple" task of caring for each other here on earth while maintaining an eternal perspective, and I know that is a significant understatement too. We cannot comprehend the pain and struggles of all mankind and sometimes we believe that others cannot understand how we feel. In my self-pity I often like to believe that no one could possibly understand my situation, that I am too special to have the same problems as another, but in reality the difficulties that we face in mortality are incredibly common. I have discovered this by listening to other people. What a concept. I don't claim to have more insight about our human condition than another person might, but I just want to express in this small way that I know we all need each other. I am glad that we do. I know that life's problems are both large and small and life's joys as well. We aren't expected to carry them on our own. We need to share them with each other both to cope and to rejoice. So often I believe this is the way that the Lord can put his arms around us while he isn't here, he has someone else do it for him. I know my place is to never give up on myself or my brothers and sisters. I have a duty and a desire to care for them, this is becoming more and more apparent to me. This is where my New Year's resolution kicks in (a couple days early)...

I have one goal this year: to serve others without judging them first. This isn't the kind of thing I can figure out in one year, but I want to make a more complete effort to reach out and stop trying to imagine anything about a person except that they are worthy of being understood and cared about.

is glad she's 25.

I am glad that I didn't post what I was intending to post two days before my birthday. I started to write another rant about how I felt my life wasn't working out the way I wanted it to, and thank goodness that it didn't work out the way I thought it would. I realize over and over that we can't expect life to turn out any certain way, but we should expect happiness because we're promised that life will be good if we do what is right. That's what builds our faith and leads to many happy surprises on the road of life. Last weekend included two of the biggest surprises of my entire life.

1. A surprise birthday party. It was incredible! My best friends put it together for me and I had absolutely no idea. First we went to go see Christmas Around the World, which was great, and afterwards we watched a movie. Then my friend Aleks disappeared. For some reason I was gullible enough to believe that she simply decided to go back to her apartment to help her roommate with some key problem and when we got there, the moment I stepped in the door, everyone shouted surprise! Wow. I honestly felt an incredible amount of love from my friends. I was so humbled by the fact that they would do that for me.


This is a picture that was taken at the party. Check out the sweet Victoria's Secret gift card they all got me. What else could a girl ask for?

The next surprise was even more incredible. 2. My other best friend, Erik (the one next to me on the couch) asked me to be his girlfriend. The details of the story are almost too perfect to blog about, but I'll indulge myself and post them here for you. It has been almost a year that we've known each other and about ten months since I decided that I liked him, a lot. I didn't find the courage to talk to him about the situation until October and at that point he told me he wasn't interested. This detail isn't meant to be embarrassing to me or him, but to show the importance of timing. I'll admit that I was crushed, but we continued to be friends, even better friends than before. I went about trying to move on in various ways (and never actually did it) , while he started thinking. I don't know the complete process that he went through to decide that he wanted to date me, but I know that it was incited in some way by our questioning friend Aleks who asked him something like "if you don't want to date her, what are you looking for?" He planned to talk to me on the weekend of my birthday, no better timing in my opinion, and I was floored. On the way to his former roommate's wedding reception he brought up the subject as we were driving. It was deja vu (in a good way) for me because he began in a very similar way to how I had initially talked to him; with no introduction he said, "So I need to talk to you about something..." and I haven't stopped giggling since.

This is Erik and I at Jonathan's wedding reception. Remind you of Prom? Yeah, we love it.

Life is surprising and wonderful. That's all I really wanted to say.

is thankful (well, I try to be)

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. When I tell people that I usually hear the question, "but what about Christmas?" In my mind, Christmas and Thanksgiving both exist for the same purpose: to spend time with your families and eat! The difference is, Christmas has presents. I am not as concerned about the presents; if given the choice between presents and a turkey dinner, I would probably choose a turkey dinner. So, here is a list of things that I am thankful for:

1. My car works! (It actually drives backwards and forwards now... Incredible!)
2. I made it home to Oregon
3. I have a wonderful family (and dog)
4. There are only a few weeks left in the semester!
5. My birthday is in a week
6. Great friends
7. A new haircut (Whoo!)
8. Turkey
9. Russian poetry
10. Dance Dance Revolution
11. Egg nog
12. The scriptures
13. The temple (don't worry, this list isn't in order of importance... don't judge me!)
14. Enrique (you know who you are)
15. New sexy black heels
16. Vicki's
17. Sleep
18. My queen bed (sadly I have to leave it in two days)
19. Dancing
20. Diet pepsi (it saved me on the way here)

What are you thankful for?

is behind in school!

Entering whining zone, take caution...


Well, I knew someone would notice sooner or later. I am a slacker. I just got an email from one of my teachers because he suspects that I am discouraged about my test score and all the reading I've missed. I have skipped too many of my classes and I'm behind in the reading. Am I becoming apathetic about my studies or am I really just not a good student? I worry about myself, but probably not enough! I have so many big questions in my life right now: 1. Why am I studying Russian? 2. Should I minor in Editing? 3. What do I want to go to grad school for? 4. Why aren't things working out dating wise in any way? 5. What do I really need to improve on in myself? They don't sound big, but they are big in my mind. I just hate not knowing what to do. Aside from these things I know I need to decide, I also have a list of secret wishes that I have to be content with just wishing for right now: 1. To be a good dancer. 2. To be a good Russian speaker. 3. To be in love. 4. To lose 15 pounds. 5. To take either the GRE or LSAT and do REALLY good. 6. To graduate with honors. 7. To be published somewhere awesome (and prestigious). 8. To have my homework done every time I go to school. 9. To get 8 hours of sleep every night.

Um, I am a whiner and a self-pitier and I hope that you don't actually take this post too seriously. I just hate it when people notice that I am not like everyone else and I actually am doing worse than everyone in class. I know it, but do they have to know it too? *WHINE* Alright, I'm done.