is 31 things.

Read these and you'll know a little more about me. Post them on your blog too, they're fun!

1. If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say?
I’ve had dreams like this.

2. When was the last time you flew in a plane?
January 7th.

3. What did the last text message you sent say?
I just cleaned out my outbox. I have no idea.

4. What features do you find most attractive in the opposite sex?
Attached earlobes. Strong jawlines too.

5. What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?
Get a grant to write my novel.

6. Shoe size?
6 or 6 and a half. 36 in Europe.

7. Been to Mexico?
Nope.

8. When is the last time you had a massage?
Don’t remember. I need one.

9. What was the last TV show you watched?
American Idol.

10. What are your plans for the weekend?
Go to a Writing Fellows retreat, President Hinckley’s funeral, and then work. I also plan on taking a long nap on Sunday. Friday night is still open…

11. If your significant other asked you to marry them TODAY what would you say?
Yes.

12. What is in the back seat of your car right now?
A box of dried-out baby wipes, an ice scraper, and a tire iron.

13. What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Sleeping.

14. If you could marry any celebrity today who would it be?
No one. Unless my missionary suddenly became famous. ;)

15. Have you ever been to a strip club?
Not an actual strip club, but it’s been close. There were cages. Aaah!

16. What is the best ice cream flavor?
Heath bar. Anything with toffee!

17. What is the last sporting event you watched?
Does watching people at BYU flirt count?

18. Ever go camping?
Sure. Maybe not for a couple summers, though.

19. Last phone call?
Mom. We talk about 3+ times a day.

20. Are you allergic to anything?
Cats and mold. Cats make me sneeze and my eyes itch. Mold just makes me blow my nose a lot.

21. What is one thing you have learned about life recently?
I need to be more patient.

22. What do you do at work?
I tutor writers for one job and I drive people around in BYU vans and stamp their hands at dances at the other job.

23. What is your mom's name?
Kathleen Ann Brennan. She’s an Irish girl.

24. Ever cried for no reason?
There’s always a reason. Even if it is a hormone imbalance. And that never happens to me. Never!

25. Can you do the Crank Dat dance?
No thanks. But I’ve been known to do some others.

26. What is your favorite color to wear?
Red. I love my new red coat.

27. What is the longest plane ride you have ever been on?
About nine hours. It was from New York to Vienna. UGH!

28. What is the longest road trip you have ever taken?
To Utah. I do it about twice or more a year. It’s 13+ hours. But I don’t mind it.

29. What are your turn-offs?
Pushy people, the smell of food burning, shopping carts that won’t push straight, forgetting things at home.

30. What was your last alcoholic beverage?
Cough medicine, but I don’t remember when the last time was.

31. What are you craving right now?
A hug and a kiss. Maybe a little spoon. I’m lonely!

is Elizabeth Bennet...

...according to this "Which Austen Heroine are You?" quiz. Take the quiz for yourself and see who you are!

You are intelligent, witty, and tremendously attractive. You have a good head on your shoulders, and oftentimes find yourself the lone beacon of reason in a sea of ridiculousness. You take great pleasure in many things. You are proficient in nearly all of them, though you will never own it. Lest you seem too perfect, you have a tendency toward prejudgement that serves you very ill indeed.

Take the Quiz here!

thirsts.

This World, Not the Next

True, God dreamed our first parents out
of a chaos of firmament and longing.
And true, he pled with them to return
to a savory Forever of his making.
But it was this world, with its tides and machinery
of sweet decay, they learned to love.

He touched their hair, then covered their sleeping
mouths with His and declared breath
holy, but forced them to draw another
and another. He commanded that they eat
not of that dazzling tree of awe and penumbra,
but knew its fruit would eat at them.

And when it did, and when they fell
into knowing. God folded the garden and hid it
deep inside the woman, but commanded
the man to tend it. And in due season the man
Eved, and the woman Adamed back
and the song of radiance they keened was pure

darkness by morning. And God blessed
Their bounty to be infinite, but left them
ten crooked fingers to count with.
And buried His echo inside their bodies,
a delicious lapping that answered yes and yes

to a question neither could recall.

Lance Larsen

I love this poem about the nature of our sojourn here on earth and our roles as man and woman. I have been pondering these ideas a lot recently. I wonder about my fragile, imperfect nature and I hope that I can be who I am supposed to be. The few things that I know about my purpose here tell me firstly, that God is my father. I know I am his daughter. I also know that we are all his children and he wishes to bless us in whatever ways we will let him. He wants us to be like him. That is a difficult task. The hardest task we are ever given, in fact. Yet, even while faced with this most difficult task, I feel peace because I know he wants me to succeed.

I also want to talk about my identity as a woman. I am grateful to be one. I feel both blessed and persecuted in this role. I want to be a wife and mother someday. I see those responsibilities providing some of the greatest joy I will experience in this life, along with the greatest pain, I'm sure. It is always that way. I have experienced and seen some of the difficulties that result from relationships, but I've also felt bliss. I know that many people I love struggle with situations that complicate this aspect of their lives. My hope is that someday we will all feel truly loved and be reconciled to what we have been given in this second estate, which can often seen unfair.

Concerning our respective roles as man and woman, I know it is an eternal truth that we need each other to become perfect, like our Father, and experience a fullness of happiness. A portion of a blessing given to me says, "that union [marriage] will be the beginning of an eternal unit that we call a family, and that is where you will become perfect." I believe this: that men and women need each other to progress to perfection, even though many things complicate this union while on earth.

My missionary recently sent me a page of his scripture study notes and I would like to include excerpts of his insights as well, because I feel like his perspective adds something to my pool of ideas. Firstly, he speaks of attractions that do no coincide with the Lord's plan, that while they are "desirable, [they] do not last. They are a symbol, a placeholder. But they are not the true thing." He uses a metaphor to describe the "thirst" that many have for affection, which can draw them to empty sources: "it is a mirage-an image that promises to satiate, but in fact is just an empty promise. Lacking "water" as it were, we must realize that it will leave us thirsting." Then he speaks of man's counterpart, "the woman is the true opposite. Not only is it the order God prescribed, but a woman carries within her the river suited to man's thirst. And vice-versa...both are nourished..."

The truth is that we are all born with thirsts that lead us astray, yet they are the very same that can lead us to God, if we recognize where to go for help. Regarding relationships, our various thirsts can cause us "to wander all our lives searching for satisfaction, unless we learn to truly see-to see through the mirage and know it for what it is. Only then can we give up our search for a mirage...then we can dig deep into the earth where we stand and find a hidden reservoir of our own, and when refreshed we can look around for the traveler who seeks the water we can give."


His wise comments about relationships remind me of the statement that Christ makes,
"But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life" (John 4:14). Christ is the source of living water, truth that sustains us throughout our lives and leads us back to him. He tells us that we can have a supply of this water inside ourselves to share with others as well. Relationships that are founded on truth hold living water, they lead us to God and perfection; they bring us joy and satisfaction. Yes, we are all imperfect people who will make mistakes and who will sin, but I have hope in the model that God has provided for me. I believe that if I am faithful I will be able to be perfect one day with my spouse and be with him and with God forever. It is very hard to imagine right now. It all sounds oversimplified and can even be discouraging, but since God gave me the charge to "be perfect," I know he will also help me on my path.

There is so much that can be said about this topic. Our roles as men and women are so complicated in so many ways. I wish that things could be simpler. I wish that we could each find someone to spend our mortal lives with and then eternity, progressing together in harmony. I wish that nobody ever had to feel lonely. The truths that I know are simple and overwhelming at the same time, but I feel peace in my heart. I am a daughter of God. If I am faithful, I will not wander, thirsting after things that will lead me astray.

has a Mollie.

We have a new puppy. She's quite a handful...


She looks innocent, but she isn't.


Here she goes...


Poor Britty!


This young whipper snapper is almost too much for him.


What are you lookin' at?!


Just leave me alone already!


Oh no you didn't!



She finally tuckered out. Phew!

is starting fresh!

I'm sure you've noticed that my blog is looking a little more fashionable nowadays. ;) I thought it needed a facelift for 2008. Along with that, I will post some current thoughts about Rilke, Waitress, and other things floating around in my head lately.


The first movie I watched in 2008 was Waitress. Granted, it has been around for a while, but I think it was a nice film to start out watching in the new year. Maybe the theme has been done--abused housewife, wishes for a better life, finds it in the end--but I was impressed with the witty dialogue, the juxtaposition of funny and sad moments throughout the film, the acting, and the ending, which was not your typical "everyone gets together" kind of ending. I think what impressed me was that the main character realized that her happiness could only come from within. Once her grimy husband was out of the picture, she didn't go running to the man she'd been having an affair with. She took responsibility for her child and began a new life with her and left her lover. It was really touching. It also made me want to eat pies. "Bad baby pie" sounded pretty good, maybe I'll try it out: a quiche made with brie and cheddar cheese with smoked ham in the middle. "Earl Murders Me Because I'm Having An Affair Pie" also sounds good with smashed blackberries and raspberries in a chocolate crust. Maybe I also love the idea of a movie about a waitress too. It is such a kitschy profession, riddled with images of indiscretion and lowliness. I think it's about time a movie was made about one who takes charge. And incidentally, that does not mean she left her job and did something else supposedly more glamorous. She remained a waitress, but she eventually ended up owning the diner and named it after her daughter. So sweet.

I am writing this after I wrote the next part of my blog, so I hope this doesn't feel disjointed, but I have another observation about this movie and why I liked it. She ends up alone. She doesn't get saved. In fact, she tells her lover, "I don't want you to save me. I don't need to be saved." I think that is so key in her character's development. She recognizes, like I previously mentioned, that nobody can make her happy but herself.

As for Rilke, I have been reading Letters to a Young Poet at the request of my missionary. I love it. We read some parts together before he left and now I am reading his copy, "keeping it warm" as I like to say. I read the fourth letter last night and it has a lot of ideas to ponder about loneliness, sexuality, and love. Some statements that struck me are:

"Everything assigned to us is a challenge; nearly everything that matters is a challenge, and everything matters."

"Your sexuality [is], your most precious posession." (why do you think Rilke would say this? Do you agree? I am still thinking about it...)

"Perhaps the sexes are more closely related than one would think."

"Embrace your solitude and love it. Endure the pain it causes, and try to sing out with it."

"Your pact with aloneness will be your support and solace even in the midst of unfamiliar situations. It is through that aloneness that you will find all your paths."

What I am pondering right now is the idea of being alone. It is not that I haven't had a time in my life when I have been truly alone. I have actually been alone in most major events in my life, like Rilke said in an earlier letter, "We are unutterably alone, essentially, especially in the things most intimate and most important to us." My initial reaction was disbelief. We aren't alone, are we? I believe what was taught to me in primary and all through the years in Sunday school that God is always with us, BUT aren't we are alone because we must make our own decisions and act for ourselves? Christ was left alone when he suffered for us because he had to accomplish the greatest task that has ever been given alone. Heavenly Father would not take the experience away from him by suffering through it with him. He had to do it by himself. While our situation is different, of course, we are still expected to be alone for so much of our earthly existence. Sometimes it is excruciating to feel alone, sometimes it is comforting. Why is that? And why do we have to be alone to realize that we need our Savior and we need someone to share our life with? I think it is because of the need for opposition. We must feel alone so often in this life because we must know the difference if we are to experience the fullness of joy that is promised to us in the next life. I believe we will never feel alone there. We will never ache for someone to love us or to comfort us.

Rilke said he made a "pact with aloneness" and I will make one as well. That pact involves:

1. Accepting myself right now in my state of "aloneness" and feeling happy.
2. Realizing that my life is still whole and meaningful even without someone to share it with right now.
3. Making my own decisions (according to the spirit) to direct my life and not relying on others to influence my path.
4. Taking time to be alone and ponder things that I don't always take the time to think about (this includes deeper scripture study and more meaningful prayers).

I may think of more things later to add to this pact, but it is part of my goals for this new year. I want to live a richer life and stop waiting for things to happen to me that make me open my eyes. There have been so many unexpected blessings in my life as of late. I recognize those, but I also know that I need to work toward feeling more stable. I want to feel assured that my life will be good, and I know it will be when I trust the Lord.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

I have heard this scripture many times, but am I living it? Do I believe that my life will be directed to happiness? I find myself panicking every now and then because I have a difficult time imaging good things in my future. I can picture mediocre things, but I know that the Lord wants more for me than that. Walking this road is lonely. Putting my trust in the Lord is probably one of the loneliest things I've ever done. I relinquish momentary comfort in the wrong arms, passing ideas that communicate hope but do not last, substances that would make me forget, at least for a while, and other things real or imaginary that would make me feel cushioned for the time being. The Lord does not do this for us. He won't sedate us against the sufferings of life. He has given us his spirit to be with us, and I feel his comfort so often, but he does allow us to feel pain and loss because we must! It is so necessary to understand these things and feel discomfort in the present because the reward he has prepared for us costs something. It is worth all the suffering that Christ did, and still we are unable to weather a bout of loneliness and so often turn to false comforts. I don't want to do this any longer. I want to trust him and embrace my current trials because that is the only way I can continue on the path. And I have to do it alone.

is trying to keep perspective.

From Mark Twain's The Innocents Abroad: Or the New Pilgrims' Progrss:

Substitute the words "Europe" and "Jerusalem" for "life" and this will inspire you...

"We are at home again. We are exhausted. The sun has roasted us, almost. We have full comfort in one reflection, however. Our experiences in Europe have taught us that in time this fatigue will be forgotten; the heat will be forgotten; the thirst, the tiresome volubility of the guide, the persecutions of the beggars--and then, all that will be left will be pleasant memories of Jerusalem, memories we shall call up with always increasing interest as the years go by, memories which some day will become all beautiful when the last annoyance that encumbers them shall have faded out of our minds never again to return. School-boy days are no happier than the days of after life, but we look back upon them regretfully because we have forgotten our punishments at school, and how we grieved when our marbles were lost and our kites destroyed--because we have forgotten all the sorrows and privations of that canonized epoch and remember only its orchard robberies, its wooden sword pageants and its fishing holidays. We are satisfied. We can wait. Our reward will come. To us, Jerusalem and to-day's experiences will be an enchanted memory a year hence--memory which money could not buy from us."

Time does pass and life's difficulties, one by one, fade from remembrance. In the midst of trials, try to remember that soon your pain will be less than a memory. In fact, you won't remember it at all.

is experiencing "saudade."

Unfortunately, we have no word like saudade in the English language. A friend recently told me about it when I was explaining how we often "pre-mourn" events in our life which have not occurred yet. I know that I do it quite often. I am usually sadder or more nostalgic about something when I am anticipating it happening, and not afterward. This period of my life is just soaked in a feeling that I described as "longing joy" in a poem I recently wrote. It is better to allow myself to feel joy and a little ache along with it instead of writhing in agony in the times I like to call "purgatory." I just can't do that anymore, thank goodness.

So, what am I mourning the momentary loss of? If you've been keeping up with my blog you know. He is currently residing in the brick confines of the not very far away MTC. Too close for comfort, if you'd ask me, but it sure does make mailing packages easier. :) I feel saudade for the distance between us, for the potential that we might not end up together, and for the potential that we might. I also feel an ache to complete parts of my life that remain open as of yet. I find myself feeling both sorrow and hope for future possibilities and that is when it is especially difficult to focus on the task at hand, like right now. I should be pouring over the details of the Brothers Karamazov, but I can't do it. Instead I keep picturing myself with six to eight children, covered in flour in the kitchen, and straining my ears to her my husband come home from work. I picture a house in the country, my little retro kitchen, a dog with freckles on its nose, chickens in the backyard, and a long two-grooved driveway up to the porch...


My mind is walking down this road right now to my home with a basket of blackberries. It is not that I am unsatisfied with my life right now, it is good, but it isn't that "icing on the cake" kind of good. It is "bubble bath on a Tuesday morning" good, which is fine. I just keep thinking forward to when I get the icing on the cake, hopefully, and my heart aches for that extra bit of sweetness in my life. I really have no where new to go with this post. I guess that is the point, saudade gets us nowhere, it is just a walk down memory lane. I don't think it is negative to feel it, I enjoy remembering and hoping, I just want to be able to plant my feet firmly in the present until finals are over and let my longing take over when I am home again, both literally and figuratively.

wants you to read...

this.

Go ahead, read my article. I hope you enjoy it. I would like to hear any feedback if you have some. Thanks. :)

woof.

This is a talk that was given by my missionary last Sunday. I just wanted to post it for those who requested a copy and give all who didn't hear it the opportunity to read it. It made me think more deeply about how I view the process of sanctification in my life. What am I willing to give up in order to do the Lord's will and in return receive the blessings he has promised me? I have to ask myself that constantly. Now is an especially poignant time for that question. I am so glad that he gave this talk. It was truly inspired.

on sacrifice

Sacrifice is an essential and eternal principle of the gospel. Although it isn’t everybody’s favorite word, it is a practice crucial to our salvation. I believe that sacrifice is one of the true tests of our discipleship in this life and the means whereby we can become refined and qualify for Eternal Life in the next.

Sacrifice can be defined as giving something to deity or the forfeit of one thing for another of greater value. From its etymology, or origin, we learn that sacrifice is a sacred doing—as in the context of priestly rituals. And with sacred meaning dedicated or consecrated, made holy, sacrifice could be considered an act concerned with dedicated or holy things, or perhaps the act whereby they become dedicated or holy. We can see this in our own experiences. Think of a parent’s sacrifice of time for their child, a missionary’s sacrifice of two years, something so great as one person sacrificing their life for another, or something so seemingly insignificant as someone sacrificing their seat on a crowded bus—it is that giving up of something of value that makes the gesture meaningful and not soon forgotten. It becomes set apart, sacred.

So what is it that we sacrifice? Seeing as how God has given us everything, there doesn’t seem to be very much that we can give back to Him that He doesn’t already have. Under the Law of Moses, the children of Israel were commanded to sacrifice the firstlings of their flocks. But then, when Christ came to the Earth and performed the Atonement, he fulfilled that commandment. In 3 Nephi 9:19-20, we learn what it is we are asked to sacrifice. So, we must give to the Lord a broken heart and a contrite spirit. As it was with the Israelites and their unblemished firstling of the flock—an animal of great worth—so too we are asked to give something precious and of high value to the Lord. This is the difficulty of sacrifice. If it were something easy to give, it wouldn’t really seem worthy to be called a sacrifice.

I would like to touch on three points or applications of our sacrifice of a broken heart and contrite spirit. They are: sacrifice and faith, sacrifice as a Christ-like attribute, and sacrifice as a process of sanctification.

Sacrifice and Faith

Firstly, sacrifice and faith. Although we speak often of faith in terms of mustard seeds, I have learned over these past few years that faith is perhaps the bravest act of our lives. To trust in a Heavenly Father we can’t see (at least not directly), in a plan we can’t really remember choosing, in records written thousands of years ago, and in those noble men who lead our church today requires a great deal of courage. Thankfully, we have the Holy Ghost to witness the truth of these things, and to confirm our faith. But even this is a presence more felt than heard. To choose to follow the Lord’s commandments and align our lives with the restored gospel of Jesus Christ is a sacrifice. It is sometimes difficult, uncomfortable, unpopular, and only partly understood. And so we sacrifice in faith, believing in “things which are not seen, which are true” (Alma 32:21).

Faith itself is a sacrifice—a sacrifice of our wills and our need to know everything in whole. Here I would like focus on that first offering that we sacrifice: the broken heart. I like to think of broken here in the context of training horses. As some of you may know, a “broken” horse is one who has become obedient, who’s wild and resistant will has been tamed. We need our hearts to follow that example. We give to the Lord a broken heart—a heart that is willing and obedient. That means we need to give up what we may want for ourselves and submit to the will of the Father. We bridle our hearts with the commandments and give the Master the reins. In this way our heart becomes an acceptable offering to the Lord; He does not want a wild or proud heart, for such a heart cannot accept His word.

This may seem like an unfair arrangement, but like that horse, we may just lack understanding. I’d like to mention again that definition of sacrifice: the forfeit of one thing for another of greater value. A broken heart, like a broken horse, is willing to be led. We may not understand where the Lord is leading us, but if we allow Him to direct our paths, I promise you that it is toward something more fulfilling and more beautiful than we could have ever guessed or could have come up with ourselves. I know this because I have seen it—and continue to see it—in my own life. Whatever plans we had for ourselves in our willful hearts pale in comparison to the great plan the Lord has for us. If we only knew.

And so we make the sacrifice of faith, and we sacrifice in faith, putting our trust in the Lord. In Hebrews 11, a profound chapter on faith, speaks of so many prophets—Enoch, Noah, Abraham, and others—who sought to do the Lord’s will, making great sacrifices because of their faith. In verse 13—one of my favorite scriptures—we read that, “…(read scripture). It continues on in verses 14-16 to say, “…(read scripture).” Like those prophets we believe—we must believe—that the promises of the Lord will all be fulfilled, and that we are meant for something greater than this life—that city that God has prepared for us.

Sacrifice as a Christ-like Attribute

Secondly, I would like to explore sacrifice as a Christ-like attribute. Why do we sacrifice? That question was put to Adam after he and Eve were cast out of the Garden of Eden. The account can be found in Moses, chapter 5, beginning in verse 6. (read scripture.) There, then, is certainly one reason to sacrifice: because the Lord asked us to. Like I just said, we have to trust Him. However, the angel goes on to explain a second reason and the true purpose of sacrifice. In verses 7-8, it reads, “…(read scripture).” So, sacrifice is done in remembrance of the atoning sacrifice of the Savior.

It is maybe easier to see the connection between animal sacrifice under the Law of Moses and Christ’s atonement because of the similarities of physical death, being the firstborn, unblemished, etc. But in a very real way, our sacrifice under the new law, also speaks of the Atonement. Christ certainly had to offer a broken heart and a contrite spirit in addition to his life and his body. Submitting to the will of the Father, he showed us a perfect example of sacrifice.

So, since we aspire to become like Christ and follow the example of His life here on the Earth, we too must sacrifice. It is an attribute that we should emulate, as much His other attributes of love, service, and righteousness (which all seem like synonyms of sacrifice, when you think about it). Now I’d like to give some attention to our second offering, that of a contrite sprit.

A contrite spirit means a spirit that is penitent or repentant. Like the broken heart, the contrite spirit is submissive. It is indicative of a desire to be righteous, to turn from wickedness and walk in true paths. When contrite, we might ask, like David in Psalms 51:10, “…(read scripture).” A contrite spirit means we are willing to change—to alter our natures, our choices, our behaviors, and our habits in order to become more like Christ. Now, I know that this process doesn’t happen overnight. The Lord is not asking for a spirit that has repented of everything, and is therefore perfect. We are always in need of repentance, and if we were perfect, we wouldn’t need a Savior. What He asks of us, then, is a spirit that is willing to repent, one who is repenting. And no matter where you may be, a contrite spirit is possible to cultivate. The moment you decide that you want to change—to shake off those “sins which do so easily beset [you]” (2 Nephi 4:18)—is the moment that you experience a contrite spirit. Although the long road of repentance may stretch out before you, you have turned away from whatever detour you were following, and you face the Lord’s path.

As people who have strayed, we usually get the broken heart thing, but we can easily forget the contrite spirit. A broken heart is insufficient by itself—it is simply a state of lowliness and sorrow, which is a good start, but not enough to become like Christ. We need too the contrite spirit, a willingness to sacrifice the natural man, give up our sins, in order to be cleansed from our impurities. As Elder Bruce D. Porter said this last month in General Conference, “Those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit are willing to do anything and everything that God asks of them, without resistance or resentment. We cease doing things our way and learn to do them God’s way instead. In such a condition of submissiveness, the Atonement can take effect and true repentance can occur.” And it is only through the sacrifice that true repentance asks of us that we can become like that pure, obedient Son of God, who is full of grace and truth.

Sacrifice as a Process of Sanctification

Lastly I would like to address sacrifice as a process of sanctification. As I said at the beginning of this talk, the origin of the word sacrifice refers to its sacred nature—a consecrated act. And since it is our hearts and spirits that we sacrifice, it is those things which are consecrated. The very act of giving our heart to the Lord, sets it apart. In Helaman 3:35, it describes this process beautifully. It reads, “…(read scripture).” I think the key word here is yielding—yielding our unruly and willful hearts unto God.

In our effort to become like Christ—to attain a Christ-like nature—our spirit must be contrite, and in that spirit we give our broken hearts over to Christ through faith on His name, obedience to His commandments, and repentance to access the power of the Atonement. It is then that Christ can actually change our hearts, cleanse our hearts, heal our hearts. We are, all of us, heart-broken, and it is simply a matter of whether we will give those pieces to the Lord or stubbornly keep the shards to ourselves. For Christ—who’s other name is Love—is our only hope for mending.

Like the Brother of Jared, we are commanded to make a journey toward the promised land. We have all kinds of modern-day seas to cross and have been given these bodies as ships to carry us through this life toward exaltation. The Lord may even provide the wind to move us along the path, as He did for the Jaredites. However, we need a light within our ships. Like the Brother of Jared, we must go to the Lord, and put before Him our hearts, as the Brother of Jared did his 16 stones. As we yield our hearts to His touch, they have the potential to transform, to give light, to be incandescent, burning away all impurities. In a word, our hearts become sanctified. And these new hearts can be a light for us as we make our private and personal journeys to our own promised lands.

When we sacrifice a broken heart and a contrite spirit, we are blessed with that clean heart and right spirit David spoke of, and in that state we are able (and willing) to be led by the Holy Spirit of the Lord as we walk along the path that leads us back to our Father’s presence. We become obedient, repentant, and learn to trust in the Lord. For sacrifice really is a practice of trust for us in this life. We don’t always know what the Lord has in store for us, but sacrifice in faith, believing that what we give up is really of lesser value when compared to what we will receive.

In fact, if you think about it. if we fully understood all of the blessings that come with sacrifice, we would be anxious to do it. Sacrifice is often the Lord’s way to bless our lives, and with such great things “that there shall not be room enough to receive it” (Malachi 3:10). Now, we don’t sacrifice simply because we want blessings. We sacrifice because the Lord asked us to, and it is in similitude of His own sacrifice in our behalf. However, the sanctification that comes through sacrifice is so important for each and every one of us, and such a blessings, that it too can be a motivation for us to give the Lord our broken hearts and contrite spirits. If we understand that sacrifice makes us holy, it is not so terrible a task after all, is it?

is learning to be alright with maybe.

I am not sure how to start this post. I wanted to write something about the 729 days left until I see him, but nothing is really working. He went into the MTC today. Yesterday I spoke to him on the phone for the last time in two years. On Sunday I touched him for the last time in two years. It seems unreal. A month ago I wouldn't have believed that I would feel this way, that I would be twenty five years old and writing a missionary. But I am. I don't resent it, I am so happy to have him in my life. It just seems like another interesting twist in my life has appeared. I guess I am learning that nothing ever comes very easily for me. I met him and I knew that he would be leaving, I didn't anticipate how quickly our relationship would escalate and how strongly I would feel. I didn't know what would happen when it was all beginning. I think I just imagined that the ending would take care of itself. In a way, it has. A mission is something you can't go around, like everything in life, you must go through it. I went through one and now I am seeing him through one as well. I am so glad that he is going. There is no way that I can anticipate the end of this experience at all. I can't even imagine what will happen in two years. All I know is where we are now. Maybe. It isn't no, it isn't yes. It is wait. That is the impression the Lord has given me. He has reminded me that he is in charge, again, in my life. He wants to bless me. He doesn't want me to rush ahead and spoil my happiness with undue worry. He wants me to take my journey one step at a time and savor the process. I don't want to see this as waiting, because I am not standing still. Life never does that. So, I am going forward, having faith that whatever the Lord has planned will come to pass if I am obedient.

A friend recently sent me this poem:

My Dreams, My Works, Must Wait Till After Hell

I hold my honey and I store my bread
In little jars and cabinets of my will.
I label clearly, and each latch and lid
I bid, Be firm till I return from hell.
I am very hungry. I am incomplete.
And none can give me any word but Wait,
The puny light. I keep my eyes pointed in;
Hoping that, when the devil days of my hurt
Drag out to their last dregs and I resume
On such legs as are left me, in such heart
As I can manage, remember to go home,
My taste will not have turned insensitive
To honey and bread old purity could love.

Gwendolyn Brooks

This poem is not meant to express some kind of agony for the time that I will be without him, but I see it as encapsulating this life in general. I see it as a metaphor for the time that we are here on earth. I want to do what the Lord requires of me so that I can remember the sweet taste of home and wish to return. This may not seem related to what I was just talking about, but it is. Yes, I will miss him. Yes, I hope that we will be reunited after two years, but I can't know for sure. I don't know what plan the Lord has for me, but I do know that is it a joyous one if I trust him. I have to put my trust in him completely about my happiness. I have to believe that he will fulfill his promises. One of my missionary's favorite scriptures is found in Hebrews 11:13:

"These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them, and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth."

Seeing the promises and believing that they will be fulfilled is trying. Perspective is difficult to keep in this life. Right now my perspective is shortened, it is not easy for my finite mind to know that everything will be alright in two years when I am not even sure what I will do after my graduation in just a few months. I can only hope.

I want to end this post by saying that I can't deny the peace that I feel right now in my heart. It is amazing. I do miss him. I do worry about the future, but every time I expect to feel pain, it is not present. I am not meant to feel anguish about this new phase in my life. Things are different now, but it's okay. I feel very blessed despite what may seem like an untimely relationship. I believe that it happened for a reason. Now I have two years to find out why. Maybe isn't a bad place to start...