is starting fresh!

I'm sure you've noticed that my blog is looking a little more fashionable nowadays. ;) I thought it needed a facelift for 2008. Along with that, I will post some current thoughts about Rilke, Waitress, and other things floating around in my head lately.


The first movie I watched in 2008 was Waitress. Granted, it has been around for a while, but I think it was a nice film to start out watching in the new year. Maybe the theme has been done--abused housewife, wishes for a better life, finds it in the end--but I was impressed with the witty dialogue, the juxtaposition of funny and sad moments throughout the film, the acting, and the ending, which was not your typical "everyone gets together" kind of ending. I think what impressed me was that the main character realized that her happiness could only come from within. Once her grimy husband was out of the picture, she didn't go running to the man she'd been having an affair with. She took responsibility for her child and began a new life with her and left her lover. It was really touching. It also made me want to eat pies. "Bad baby pie" sounded pretty good, maybe I'll try it out: a quiche made with brie and cheddar cheese with smoked ham in the middle. "Earl Murders Me Because I'm Having An Affair Pie" also sounds good with smashed blackberries and raspberries in a chocolate crust. Maybe I also love the idea of a movie about a waitress too. It is such a kitschy profession, riddled with images of indiscretion and lowliness. I think it's about time a movie was made about one who takes charge. And incidentally, that does not mean she left her job and did something else supposedly more glamorous. She remained a waitress, but she eventually ended up owning the diner and named it after her daughter. So sweet.

I am writing this after I wrote the next part of my blog, so I hope this doesn't feel disjointed, but I have another observation about this movie and why I liked it. She ends up alone. She doesn't get saved. In fact, she tells her lover, "I don't want you to save me. I don't need to be saved." I think that is so key in her character's development. She recognizes, like I previously mentioned, that nobody can make her happy but herself.

As for Rilke, I have been reading Letters to a Young Poet at the request of my missionary. I love it. We read some parts together before he left and now I am reading his copy, "keeping it warm" as I like to say. I read the fourth letter last night and it has a lot of ideas to ponder about loneliness, sexuality, and love. Some statements that struck me are:

"Everything assigned to us is a challenge; nearly everything that matters is a challenge, and everything matters."

"Your sexuality [is], your most precious posession." (why do you think Rilke would say this? Do you agree? I am still thinking about it...)

"Perhaps the sexes are more closely related than one would think."

"Embrace your solitude and love it. Endure the pain it causes, and try to sing out with it."

"Your pact with aloneness will be your support and solace even in the midst of unfamiliar situations. It is through that aloneness that you will find all your paths."

What I am pondering right now is the idea of being alone. It is not that I haven't had a time in my life when I have been truly alone. I have actually been alone in most major events in my life, like Rilke said in an earlier letter, "We are unutterably alone, essentially, especially in the things most intimate and most important to us." My initial reaction was disbelief. We aren't alone, are we? I believe what was taught to me in primary and all through the years in Sunday school that God is always with us, BUT aren't we are alone because we must make our own decisions and act for ourselves? Christ was left alone when he suffered for us because he had to accomplish the greatest task that has ever been given alone. Heavenly Father would not take the experience away from him by suffering through it with him. He had to do it by himself. While our situation is different, of course, we are still expected to be alone for so much of our earthly existence. Sometimes it is excruciating to feel alone, sometimes it is comforting. Why is that? And why do we have to be alone to realize that we need our Savior and we need someone to share our life with? I think it is because of the need for opposition. We must feel alone so often in this life because we must know the difference if we are to experience the fullness of joy that is promised to us in the next life. I believe we will never feel alone there. We will never ache for someone to love us or to comfort us.

Rilke said he made a "pact with aloneness" and I will make one as well. That pact involves:

1. Accepting myself right now in my state of "aloneness" and feeling happy.
2. Realizing that my life is still whole and meaningful even without someone to share it with right now.
3. Making my own decisions (according to the spirit) to direct my life and not relying on others to influence my path.
4. Taking time to be alone and ponder things that I don't always take the time to think about (this includes deeper scripture study and more meaningful prayers).

I may think of more things later to add to this pact, but it is part of my goals for this new year. I want to live a richer life and stop waiting for things to happen to me that make me open my eyes. There have been so many unexpected blessings in my life as of late. I recognize those, but I also know that I need to work toward feeling more stable. I want to feel assured that my life will be good, and I know it will be when I trust the Lord.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

I have heard this scripture many times, but am I living it? Do I believe that my life will be directed to happiness? I find myself panicking every now and then because I have a difficult time imaging good things in my future. I can picture mediocre things, but I know that the Lord wants more for me than that. Walking this road is lonely. Putting my trust in the Lord is probably one of the loneliest things I've ever done. I relinquish momentary comfort in the wrong arms, passing ideas that communicate hope but do not last, substances that would make me forget, at least for a while, and other things real or imaginary that would make me feel cushioned for the time being. The Lord does not do this for us. He won't sedate us against the sufferings of life. He has given us his spirit to be with us, and I feel his comfort so often, but he does allow us to feel pain and loss because we must! It is so necessary to understand these things and feel discomfort in the present because the reward he has prepared for us costs something. It is worth all the suffering that Christ did, and still we are unable to weather a bout of loneliness and so often turn to false comforts. I don't want to do this any longer. I want to trust him and embrace my current trials because that is the only way I can continue on the path. And I have to do it alone.