is learning to be alright with maybe.

I am not sure how to start this post. I wanted to write something about the 729 days left until I see him, but nothing is really working. He went into the MTC today. Yesterday I spoke to him on the phone for the last time in two years. On Sunday I touched him for the last time in two years. It seems unreal. A month ago I wouldn't have believed that I would feel this way, that I would be twenty five years old and writing a missionary. But I am. I don't resent it, I am so happy to have him in my life. It just seems like another interesting twist in my life has appeared. I guess I am learning that nothing ever comes very easily for me. I met him and I knew that he would be leaving, I didn't anticipate how quickly our relationship would escalate and how strongly I would feel. I didn't know what would happen when it was all beginning. I think I just imagined that the ending would take care of itself. In a way, it has. A mission is something you can't go around, like everything in life, you must go through it. I went through one and now I am seeing him through one as well. I am so glad that he is going. There is no way that I can anticipate the end of this experience at all. I can't even imagine what will happen in two years. All I know is where we are now. Maybe. It isn't no, it isn't yes. It is wait. That is the impression the Lord has given me. He has reminded me that he is in charge, again, in my life. He wants to bless me. He doesn't want me to rush ahead and spoil my happiness with undue worry. He wants me to take my journey one step at a time and savor the process. I don't want to see this as waiting, because I am not standing still. Life never does that. So, I am going forward, having faith that whatever the Lord has planned will come to pass if I am obedient.

A friend recently sent me this poem:

My Dreams, My Works, Must Wait Till After Hell

I hold my honey and I store my bread
In little jars and cabinets of my will.
I label clearly, and each latch and lid
I bid, Be firm till I return from hell.
I am very hungry. I am incomplete.
And none can give me any word but Wait,
The puny light. I keep my eyes pointed in;
Hoping that, when the devil days of my hurt
Drag out to their last dregs and I resume
On such legs as are left me, in such heart
As I can manage, remember to go home,
My taste will not have turned insensitive
To honey and bread old purity could love.

Gwendolyn Brooks

This poem is not meant to express some kind of agony for the time that I will be without him, but I see it as encapsulating this life in general. I see it as a metaphor for the time that we are here on earth. I want to do what the Lord requires of me so that I can remember the sweet taste of home and wish to return. This may not seem related to what I was just talking about, but it is. Yes, I will miss him. Yes, I hope that we will be reunited after two years, but I can't know for sure. I don't know what plan the Lord has for me, but I do know that is it a joyous one if I trust him. I have to put my trust in him completely about my happiness. I have to believe that he will fulfill his promises. One of my missionary's favorite scriptures is found in Hebrews 11:13:

"These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them, and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth."

Seeing the promises and believing that they will be fulfilled is trying. Perspective is difficult to keep in this life. Right now my perspective is shortened, it is not easy for my finite mind to know that everything will be alright in two years when I am not even sure what I will do after my graduation in just a few months. I can only hope.

I want to end this post by saying that I can't deny the peace that I feel right now in my heart. It is amazing. I do miss him. I do worry about the future, but every time I expect to feel pain, it is not present. I am not meant to feel anguish about this new phase in my life. Things are different now, but it's okay. I feel very blessed despite what may seem like an untimely relationship. I believe that it happened for a reason. Now I have two years to find out why. Maybe isn't a bad place to start...