Robert+Patty=JOY!

The Band of Joy

A pair of tickets had been sitting on my desk since earlier this year. It never quite seemed real that I would actually get to use them and go see one of my music idols, Robert Plant. This performance was definitely worthy of holy week, if I can say that without being too blasphemous. I was amazed at how nostalgic I felt for something I was never around to experience: the whole Led Zeppelin era, that is. I also enjoy Robert Plant's new music a lot as well and it has been eye-opening to see him take on such challenging and diverse projects. I've been a fan of Patty Griffin for a few years now, and the pairing between Robert and Patty was well-matched. I don't want to use any words like "magical" because in my mind, Robert could make almost anything work, and what he had with Zeppelin WAS magical. So now I think he's aging gracefully, remembering where he came from, but also allowing himself to explore new musical possibilities. In comparison with some of the older acts who keep pounding out albums and touring endlessly, sometimes it seems masochistic that they force themselves to relive the early years over and over again, without the comfort of youth or drugs to get them through it. I am proud of Robert for allowing himself to put that part of his life to rest. He seems truly happy and fulfilled through his music now and it comes through while he's performing. I couldn't help but feel that joy.

The highlights of the show for me were undeniably the new takes on old Zeppelin classics, probably because I am much more familiar with them, and I love the new energy behind them. As much as I enjoy Black Dog in its raw form, circa 1971, this older, polished version was... beautiful? It seems strange to say that, but it was. I couldn't have been more excited for Tangerine, Houses of the Holy, and the finale, Ramble On, which is undoubtedly my favorite Zep song. The whole performance was completely engaging and I wished I could have seen his facial expressions a bit closer, because he really puts himself completely into his music and it shows. I'm not much of a concert reviewer because I can't nitpick over something that I love this much, so I'll just end with that. It was wonderful.

Robert Plant and Patty Griffin

Dissecting love

When I was in 7th grade and we were dissecting a sheep's heart, I was the only one willing to make that first incision and wiggle my finger in the largest artery. After that it was chaos. I think pieces of the sheep's heart ended up on the classroom ceiling. I'm usually not the kind to jump into such a gruesome task, but if someone has to be first and there are no volunteers, I'll usually go ahead and do it, gloves or no gloves.

I wish this were my approach to relationships. As in, I wish I were more willing to take risks. Er, maybe it's a bad metaphor. Three months ago I think I was the most shut down about love that I have been in quite some time. Things have changed since then. I was in a short-lived relationship, but the result did not cause me to shut down again, which I'm grateful for. And it is a choice too; I know this now. I think it's more than okay to recognize that someone is a good person, but not THE person for you. It's okay to have different goals and see that it would cause conflict down the road and stop there, instead of getting in too deep. In fact, I think I'll make a list right now, since I'm in a good mindset, of the things I've learned in the past couple years about relationships:

1. Love is a choice, BUT...

2. Attraction is an inexplicable thing, and an important thing, not to be compromised on

3. Friendship is absolutely necessary, and it's possible to become friends fast, but it takes a while to really know someone

4. Men have to make the first move or they don't want what they're after bad enough

5. Men don't have to like everything I like or dance well or even dress well

6. Willingness is key in a relationship. If it's there, the possibilities are endless...

7. Reciprocation is also key. If it's there, you both will never want for affection, if not, you'll always be lonely

8. Talking is important, but so is kissing ;)

9. A man can take care of himself, but recognizes that he doesn't necessarily want to all the time

10. If you think you can do everything on your own, you might be right, but it's pretty lonely after a while

11. Money manners are important. You don't have to be rich, but don't act like you're poor

12. Men should absolutely open doors and pay for things

13. Physical affection is a poor substitute for lack of compatibility

14. Love should bring peace, not anxiety

15. If love songs make you sad when you're in a relationship, you aren't happy

16. Love isn't hoping for someone to finally make a certain change before you can hand them your heart

17. If he can't see your possibilities or you can't see his, find the person who can

18. Let go of preconceived notions of what he should look like

19. Find a person who makes you laugh hard

20. 99% of the time it won't work out, but you only need one person to love you for good

How to get out of the life raft when your Titanic sinks

I skipped the celebration of my 200th post. It's okay, I didn't feel like I had much to say about it except that it happened. Yay for 200 posts, even though it took me about three years to do it. :)

But that aside, there is plenty of time for celebration later, let's focus on the big issues. I want to talk about the status of my heart, relationship-wise, I guess. As my mom likes to say, "here's the deal": I'm frustrated with myself. Without meaning to, I have built up a pretty impressive wall to keep myself from getting hurt again and I'm having a tough time breaking through. Recently I've been out with some kind, attractive, intelligent, faithful-type men who seem to have the total package going on. They seem to like me as well, which feels unfair to them because I don't reciprocate much of their affection. I really would like to, but I don't know how to stir up romantic feelings that I have crushed down with a hammer, to put it delicately.

Thank goodness for eHow.com, which tells me step by step "How to Love Again" (with my comments). Here it is:

1. Grieve your losses. Before you will be ready to love again, you need to heal the pain that your lost love has inflicted. Whether you lost your love through a failed relationship or the death of a loved one, your lost love left emotional wounds. Grieve your losses so you will free yourself to love again. Okay, I'm done with this one. Check.

2. Recognize the need to love again. Loving others is one of the most basic needs of human existence. Without love, life is meaningless. While you might need to take some time to lick your emotional wounds, closing off your heart to love will make your life seem empty. Crap.

3. Decide that loving again is worth the risk. While you are still in the grieving process, your heart might feel too fragile to take the risk of loving again. However, as you grieve your loss and become more emotionally healthy, you will move toward being ready to open up your heart again. I'm pretty sure I've decided this...

4. Love yourself. The more you love yourself, the more likely you are to attract a person who is emotionally healthy. If you go out looking for love to fill a hole in your heart, then you are much more likely to attract someone who wants to take advantage of you. However, if you come from the perspective of having lots of love to give, then you will attract a similar person. Maybe this is where I'm coming up against a brick wall. It's difficult to build up such a large reserve of excess love!

5. Think about what you want in a new relationship. Set a standard for what you are seeking in a new relationship. Make it a point to progress in this relationship, and don't fall into old patterns just because they are comfortable. Right. Like they always say "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

6. Let the love come to you. Don’t go out looking for “Mr. Right” in places where singles congregate. Instead, get involved in activities which you enjoy that bring you into contact with people who have the same interests. Whether you do this through a church, a bowling league or a city tennis club, get involved in your community in a positive manner. This seems contradictory when I attend a singles's ward. Hmm...

7. Ease into a new relationship slowly. Do not try to replace the lost relationship. Instead, allow a new one to grow and blossom in its own way. Perhaps one day. When this happens, I will graduate to reading "How to Turn a Sinking Relation-Canoe into a Loving Relation-Ship that will withstand any Storm that Comes its Way"

I always want to say sorry for my sarcasm concerning love. I was just about to say sorry for posting a list that I initially made fun of, but at least joking about it keeps me from getting depressed about not being able to love people the way I would like to. And let me reiterate that I really would like to.

So, what do I do now? According to eHow, which I don't exactly trust, I think I'm on step 4 or 5. Maybe somewhere in between. Or maybe that list has nothing to do with anything and it was filler for a entry that leaves me just as mind-boggled as I was when I started writing it. I'm not looking for advice or pity. I'm just compelled to post about something that I wish I understood better: my heart.

To echo the title, how do I get out of my life raft? I'm not sure. I'm still scared. The water around me is probably freezing cold and shark infested. If I wait around to get saved, I'll probably die of thirst or have to drink my pee to survive. If I can hold out long enough, I might meet the crew from Whale Wars and that would be fun, but I don't really like their forceful environmentalist tactics. I'm going to have to keep paddling until I feel that I'm in safer waters. The metaphor's gone far enough, but wouldn't it be cool to be on this?

I think I need a guy who is willing to get on the raft with me. So cute and predictable, right?

A beginner again

I need to make a slight modification to my New Year's resolutions. Instead of piano lessons, which would have been great, I bought a guitar! It is a more affordable option and I have always wanted to learn to play. Thank goodness for Brian, who has been coaching me through the process. Thank you, thank you, thank you...

I'm excited to start learning chords and picking through my favorite songs. First up on the list, if I can hack it, is Poison's "Every Rose Has it's Thorn," which I've always loved. If any of you have suggestions for easy songs to play, I'd love to hear them. It's kind of overwhelming and exciting to be right at the beginning of something new. I only know two chords right now. I remember when I first started playing the piano and how much of a thrill it was to learn a two-handed song. I look forward to the feeling of learning my first song.

My dogs are getting used to the guitar too. Paisley gets really nervous around it and I tried to acclimate her to it by strumming it while resting it on her back, but she freaked out. So I'll probably keep doing it, for my own entertainment.

I guess buying a guitar eventually happens when you watch too much of this:

Getting back in touch with music

I went off on a rant when I was in the car with my brother yesterday. We had just dropped off books from the library, which we frequently visit, and we started talking about how unwilling so many people seem to be to really get in touch with music. That is, to literally go through the process of getting to know it aside from the modern accessibility we have. I will even put myself in this category at the moment. When I was a teenager I was in pursuit of music. It meant a great deal to me and for many different reasons. I loved the aesthetic, the sound, the history, the camaraderie it provided, and the distraction from everyday life. It gave me a way to express myself (and I needed more than one outlet, but it was a good one). On a weekly basis I would go to record stores and sift through actual vinyl. I would buy an LP or two, which proved to be expensive, and I would actually learn about the bands that I liked listening to. It was a process of digging through what was popular at the time, which I found to be mainly obnoxious, to get to the real gold, which I believed to be mainly late 50s and 60s ska, reggae, and some R&B. I was hardly a connoisseur, but I knew what I liked and I was opinionated. My tastes shifted over my teenage years and I started listening to some good punk but also some bad oi and then I dropped it all like toxic waste when I left that scene.

Sadly, with my departure from the perceived "music scene" of my youth, I lost a lot of musical sensibility. I let it go numb for a while because it hurt to delve into again. I feel such a strong connection to music that it literally pained me to dig up the music of the past and in ways I still avoid it. With every breakup music fell to the wayside like crumbs swept off the table and there still isn't a lot music that I can truly call my own, but I hold to what I can with all my heart. But that is another aspect of my attitude toward music. To get back on track, I see how I've become disengaged from the process of making and finding music. Maybe I'm not musically gifted, but it is in me. From my youth I have been involved in it, playing the piano, singing, and reading music. I have been trained somewhat. I even had a brief stint with the cello in jr. high, which didn't last because of the teasing. Regardless, I've lost touch, literally, with the music that I love. I loved playing Chopin and Schumann. I loved pulling out those records and bobbing my head to them. I loved going to concerts and sweating in those smoky rooms, jostling other concert-goers for just a closer look at the band and leaving with ears buzzing (and consequently some hearing damage, I believe). I loved sitting by myself, playing endless hymns to console myself in difficult times. I loved singing along to Martha Reeves and the Vandellas in my car as loudly as I could. Truly, I still love it all.

What I mean by losing touch with music is that I believe that so many of us (and maybe you're not included, but bear with me) are unwilling to do what is necessary to really enjoy music. Just typing in the name of a band I like into Pandora and hearing the ensuing music that has been "matched" to my taste isn't enough. iTunes can't tell me what to like either, based on my collective (and random) library of music. I experience music as a whole, based on interaction, relationships, locations, and so on. In order to bring more music into my life, I need to be more willing to reach out to it and not just wait for it to come to me. Typing on a keyboard and plugging in headphones is hardly sufficient.

This may have something to do with how the digital music scene is thriving. It used to be about a group of people coming together and deciding what kind of music to make. Now it's all about producers who can polish up the most mundane acts to fit popular tastes. I don't mean to accuse anyone or even sound like I know what is going on in that realm, but my cousin said something interesting to me a week ago and I agree. He said "there isn't any music in music anymore." That is, there has been a shift away from the rawness and I think the potency that music used to have. Another aspect of music, as I see it, is the history, which has always been important to me. I realized that hardly any new bands or artists inspire me to learn the source of their material. I don't care what the origin of "Boom Boom Pow" is, although it's an entertaining song, but I do care about what inspired Zeppelin to write "Ramble On." It's an odd comparison, but that's as varied as my tastes are.

Music is experienced with all five senses, even though it seems to be only audio-oriented. To limit myself to only one or two of the five is sad to me. I miss the smell of a packed venue, the actual sound of a key change or a pick strumming strings, the feel of piano keys under my fingers and of thumbing through records or CDs, the taste of anything is heightened by good music, even a pile of fried food from the county fair is better with the crackly music from the grandstands echoing in the air, and of course, seeing is believing. I love watching musicians perform. I love their stage antics and their unique fashion. I love seeing a group come together and make music.

I've been feeling a build up of this excess musical energy in me for a while now. It's been coming out in a nearly gut wrenching love of hair bands and classic rock, which has always been with me. I can't seem to get enough falsetto or guitar solos. And I've come to a decision. I need to experience music more directly. Although I am not a musician, I can play music and enjoy it. For Christmas I asked for piano lessons. It's been eight years since I played in college and I've lost a lot, but no regrets. The time has come. I hope I never turn away from music again. Maybe I'll even learn to play a little guitar. It's on my list of New Years Resolutions (see previous post). For now, I'll leave you with the lyrics to "Over the Hills and Far Away," which I can't seem to get out of my head.

Hey lady--you got the love I need
Maybe more than enough.
Oh darlin', darlin', darlin'...walk a while with me
You've got so much, so much, so much...

Many have I loved - Many times been bitten
Many times I've gazed along the open road.

Many times I've lied - Many times I've listened
Many times I've wondered how much there is to know.

Many dreams come true and some have silver linings
I live for my dream and a pocketful of gold.

Mellow is the man who knows what he's been missing
Many many men can't see the open road.

Many is a word that only leaves you guessing
Guessing 'bout a thing you really ought to know, oh, oh...
You really ought to know... --Led Zeppelin

My New Years Resolutions or... (insert word from below)

Here are some synonyms for the word "resolution":

aim, boldness, constancy, courage, dauntlessness, decidedness, decision, declaration, dedication, doggedness, earnestness, energy, firmness, fixed purpose, fortitude, guts, heart, immovability, intent, intention, judgment, mettle, moxie, obstinacy, perseverance, pluck, purpose, purposefulness, relentlessness, resoluteness, resolve, settlement, sincerity, spirit, spunk, staunchness, staying power, steadfastness, stubbornness, tenacity, verdict, willpower

Kind of helps me to understand what they are a little better. My favorites are in bold. :)

To begin this train of thought, last night at around 3:30am I realized that I should be going to bed; now it's about 8am and somehow my body believes it's had sufficient sleep. I guess I can't argue, but considering that I am usually the kind of person who sleeps in until eleven when I can, this feels strange. Well, now that I am up, my mind has been filled with New Year's Resolutions. I didn't intend to write any yesterday, but here they are today. There are quite a few this year. I guess that means there are a lot of things I would like to change in my life. I didn't see that until recently. Truthfully, I don't know if I've lived my life very well this year. That is, I don't know if I've been as happy as I could be. There has been a lot of backlash to sad experience and I wish that weren't the case. To quote my journal, "I got a jolt of reality this year and I'm trying not to let it make me cynical. I'm trying to accept it for what it is and use that knowledge to help me live a fuller, more joyful life." Cynicism isn't getting me anywhere, and I know that. It is just extremely difficult for me to open myself up to the possibility of being injured again, even if there is also the possibility of being loved again. Since when am I so scared? There's another resolution...

But before I begin with the resolutions, I do want to account for what I believe to be my biggest regrets this year. Regretting doesn't change the past, but it can help with the future. This is an opportunity for me to recognize that I do need to make changes.

I most regret...

1. My financial decisions. Buying a car that was too expensive last year and shopping too frequently for things that I don't need has left me feeling frustrated.

2. My attitude regarding relationships. I haven't been this closed off for some time. I've been unfriendly at times, critical, and just unavailable, even to people close to me.

3. My lack of diligence. I haven't been very attentive to people that I care about and I've let a lot of important things slide. I include my willingness to do my calling at church in this category and the depth of my scripture study. I just feel lazy.

My list of resolutions is long, but it's more than just a to do list of one time accomplishments. It's about things that I truly, sincerely want to try do better and keep trying to do. I don't know if I can do any of these things perfectly, but that's not the point. (Keep in mind these aren't in order of importance.)

This year I will...

1. Avoid library or credit card late fees. Keep track of when stuff is due and take care of it on time.

2. Switch scripture study to the morning. I have the time and it needs to be more meaningful.

3. Exercise in the morning as well-- walk or bike 45 minutes.

4. Apply to grad schools by the deadlines in April for this fall.

5. Start meeting new people to date by doing new things, perhaps even online dating... er, we'll see.

6. Ask hard questions, even if the situation is awkward. It's not about confrontation, but communication.

7. Get as much paid off on my credit cards as possible!

8. Sell my car and get rid of that extra payment.

9. Get a more affordable car.

10. Speak less out of anger. Shut my mouth and walk away if I can't do anything positive about the situation.

11. Practice my Russian daily.

12. Practice piano daily.

13. Learn to play some simple songs on the guitar.

14. Get a guitar or borrow one.

15. Continue going to the temple at least weekly.

16. Avoid shopping at all if I don't have money.

17. Be more prayerful. Ask for the things I really need. Give thanks sincerely and frequently.

18. Stop saying unkind things about people. Period.

19. Read more from my personal library of books.

20. Tell people how much they mean to me more often.

21. Say thank you more.

22. Make quilts for each member of my family.

23. Seek out opportunities to see and do new things locally.

24. Write more!

25. Take more responsibility for my decisions.

26. Give away things I don't need.

27. Cut out excuses. Apologize and then say what I will do differently the next time.

28. Wear sexy shoes more often.

29. Take the dogs on more walks.

30. Compliment others more.

31. Smile more.

32. Stop agonizing over past mistakes and embarrassments.

33. Hug people more.

34. Be more polite on the road.

35. Wait my turn and smile when I get there.

I've often said to people at times when they need encouragement "goals are stars to shoot for, not sticks to beat yourself with." I don't remember where I heard that phrase either. Now I need to take that advice for myself and look up toward the sky. I'm not in a self-deprecating frame of mind at all, really. I just want to start 2o11 off right.

Happy New Year's everyone! С Новым годом!

P.S. In the spirit of using the thesaurus, I searched 26 adjectives, A to Z, that I think describe myself. It's a nice exercise in self-esteem. Try it out: http://thesaurus.com/

I'm altruistic, benevolent, clever, devoted, earnest, fascinating, gregarious, heavenly, ingenious, judicious, keen, literary, memorable, nimble, observant, peculiar, quick witted, refreshing, savvy, transcendent, undiluted, vivacious, wizard, xenodochial, youthful, and zippy.

Birthday shoes

Now that I'm 29, I feel like I can handle these shoes. Thank you to my friends and family who made my day awesome! I don't feel any different inside, but it's always nice to know that people are glad you're alive. I'm glad you're alive too.

P.S. I just got back from Target where I purchased a copy of Eclipse. This night is about to get epic... er... sort of.

On a shopping fast

When I got back from Hawaii in August and started paying attention to the dismal state of my finances, I started to panic. I realized how deeply in debt I was, and I knew I had to change something. I thought I was beyond this. At the beginning of this year I'd had my finances worked out and I was in a position where I could spend a little. But after moving and setting up an apartment, being out of a job for almost three months, and then moving back home after six months, I lost most of the savings I'd built up over the past year. So in September I went on a shopping fast and started looking for a job, pronto. Since that time, I haven't bought anything superfluous. That's almost three months now. I thought it might be difficult to avoid shopping for even a week, but it hasn't been that bad. Now I ascribe to the old saying "What you don't know can't hurt you" when it comes to spending. If I don't walk into the store, I can't buy anything in it. If I don't take a peek at the sale, I won't even know what it was about or how many dollars I could have "saved." It's refreshing, actually. But don't misunderstand me. I love shopping. I feel at home in Nordstrom and I even went to the mall today. I don't think that I need to ignore the world of shopping or fashion, but I need to be smart about what I buy and for what reason. I realized that earlier this year I was often using shopping as an escape. It provided an instant boost to my mood and self esteem and it's fun to have new things. I don't think this is negative... when I have the resources to do it. The problem is, it's hard to tell myself this when I am in a shopping mood, which can hit me at almost any time and for a variety of reasons. That is why the shopping fast was necessary.

A shopping fast is not like a food fast. It doesn't mean no shopping ever and no going into a store, although some people might need to begin this way and wean themselves into a more healthy state of mind. For me, these are the rules:

1. Make a monthly list of expenses and budget how much I can actually spend on clothes or other "wants"

2. Only spend that amount of money (if there is any left over after expenses, which there really isn't for me right now)

3. Only use credit cards when I can pay them back immediately

4. Don't go into stores unless I need something, or if I do go in a store and I don't plan on shopping, leave my wallet at home

That's it!

It's worked out well for me these past three months and now that I am getting to a place where I am more financially secure, now that I have a new job, I have lost much of my desire to spend for no good reason. I have been more creative with the clothes I have and wearing more of them. I don't have a desire to go to the mall every weekend. I spend more time outdoors going on walks and going hiking. My shopping fast has had more of an effect on me that I imagined. I plan to continue with this fast for as long as I need to, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to go back to the way I was.

On a related note, I went to Walmart (yes, shocking) on Black Friday Eve just to check out the scene. It took approximately ten minutes to walk in the store, weave through all the shoppers, carts, and shelves, and walk right out. I didn't see anything I needed. It felt almost gross to see how much excess there was and how many people believed they needed it. It made me sad to see that Thanksgiving, a holiday specifically for showing gratitude, had unconsciously become about greed for many people. Stores used to be closed on Thanksgiving; now they are opening earlier and earlier to let in shoppers who should be at home with their families instead of trying to buy a cheap laptop, GPS, pair of pajamas, or electric toothbrush. I am trying not to judge, but I can't imagine that the cost of the whole endeavor outweighs the benefit of getting a good deal.