On a shopping fast

When I got back from Hawaii in August and started paying attention to the dismal state of my finances, I started to panic. I realized how deeply in debt I was, and I knew I had to change something. I thought I was beyond this. At the beginning of this year I'd had my finances worked out and I was in a position where I could spend a little. But after moving and setting up an apartment, being out of a job for almost three months, and then moving back home after six months, I lost most of the savings I'd built up over the past year. So in September I went on a shopping fast and started looking for a job, pronto. Since that time, I haven't bought anything superfluous. That's almost three months now. I thought it might be difficult to avoid shopping for even a week, but it hasn't been that bad. Now I ascribe to the old saying "What you don't know can't hurt you" when it comes to spending. If I don't walk into the store, I can't buy anything in it. If I don't take a peek at the sale, I won't even know what it was about or how many dollars I could have "saved." It's refreshing, actually. But don't misunderstand me. I love shopping. I feel at home in Nordstrom and I even went to the mall today. I don't think that I need to ignore the world of shopping or fashion, but I need to be smart about what I buy and for what reason. I realized that earlier this year I was often using shopping as an escape. It provided an instant boost to my mood and self esteem and it's fun to have new things. I don't think this is negative... when I have the resources to do it. The problem is, it's hard to tell myself this when I am in a shopping mood, which can hit me at almost any time and for a variety of reasons. That is why the shopping fast was necessary.

A shopping fast is not like a food fast. It doesn't mean no shopping ever and no going into a store, although some people might need to begin this way and wean themselves into a more healthy state of mind. For me, these are the rules:

1. Make a monthly list of expenses and budget how much I can actually spend on clothes or other "wants"

2. Only spend that amount of money (if there is any left over after expenses, which there really isn't for me right now)

3. Only use credit cards when I can pay them back immediately

4. Don't go into stores unless I need something, or if I do go in a store and I don't plan on shopping, leave my wallet at home

That's it!

It's worked out well for me these past three months and now that I am getting to a place where I am more financially secure, now that I have a new job, I have lost much of my desire to spend for no good reason. I have been more creative with the clothes I have and wearing more of them. I don't have a desire to go to the mall every weekend. I spend more time outdoors going on walks and going hiking. My shopping fast has had more of an effect on me that I imagined. I plan to continue with this fast for as long as I need to, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to go back to the way I was.

On a related note, I went to Walmart (yes, shocking) on Black Friday Eve just to check out the scene. It took approximately ten minutes to walk in the store, weave through all the shoppers, carts, and shelves, and walk right out. I didn't see anything I needed. It felt almost gross to see how much excess there was and how many people believed they needed it. It made me sad to see that Thanksgiving, a holiday specifically for showing gratitude, had unconsciously become about greed for many people. Stores used to be closed on Thanksgiving; now they are opening earlier and earlier to let in shoppers who should be at home with their families instead of trying to buy a cheap laptop, GPS, pair of pajamas, or electric toothbrush. I am trying not to judge, but I can't imagine that the cost of the whole endeavor outweighs the benefit of getting a good deal.

Simple=Happy

* A trail sign in Forest Park

As I sit here watching the documentary "Colossal Squid" while trying to gather my thoughts about the past few months, I just want to say that I'm glad to be where I am, doing what I am doing. This year I was shaken up, my plans turned on their head, and I thought what I was doing was admitting defeat when I left Utah. I know I've touched on this before, but I want to make it clear that I am happy to have learned the things I've learned, and to continue forward with the experience I've gained. So, what have I been doing? To some it might seem that first, I'd been hiding out in a tropical location and afterward I've been semi-employed in Oregon, sleeping in every morning and trying to pull my life back together. Well, it's simpler and less pitiable than that. The sleeping in continues, because I don't have a typical 9 to 5 job, but all I am trying to do is enjoy each day for exactly what it is. And I like it.

Some of the activities I enjoy most right now are: Spending time with my family and my dogs, reading plenty of fantasy novels, going on fall walks, exploring the Portland hills*, teaching grade schoolers an after school writing class, getting to know more people in my YSA ward, finding a new job, contemplating grad school, watching anime, quilting and crocheting, going to the library, teaching a class at church for new members, and working Saturdays at the temple. I feel that my life is full and interesting, although simpler than I had expected it to be at this time in my life.

One of the things I'm most grateful for is recently finding a new job. I currently work with 3, 4, and 5th graders at Seth Lewelling grade school. I teach a writing/thinking class called "Imagination Workshop." It has been a really fun experiment in teaching a much younger class than I've ever experienced. They have been more rowdy and more lovable than I thought they would be. We have been focusing on the five senses, along with a survey of different types of literature. I loved teaching them about poetry and surprising them with activities they didn't anticipate. We will finish the first half of the year with a play. When I am finished teaching this class, I will move on to my new job, which is running an after school program for homeless youth in the same school district. I was surprised to learn that there are over 200 homeless youth in the school system. They need a safe, warm place to do homework and learn computer skills. In addition to this, I will be matching them with mentors, something that I feel strongly about. I have loved working with mentoring pairs in the past and I hope that it is as good of an experience now as it was then.

I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing until I feel like I need to change something again. And since change is inevitable, I'm sure I'll have something else to post soon.

Back again

Hey everybody! You probably didn't miss me at all, but I am back again and with a snazzier design. I was actually embarrassed to keep posting with my blog looking the way it did. I don't have much to say right now. Maybe I'll post some thoughts on conference once it's over tomorrow. Peace out.

The best and worst of Honolulu

It's the middle of the night here in Honolulu, which is much later for everyone else in my home timezone. For some reason I feel compelled to update. Maybe after hours of surfing youtube and watching every imaginable Tokio Hotel video, I want to do something more substantial with my time. Maybe I'm just so tired that I am rambling. Either way...

I have been here on Oahu since July 1oth. I'll be here until September 6th. It already feels like I've been here forever and I can't imagine that I'll be staying for over another month. Wow. Paradise only feels like paradise for so long, you know what I mean? It's beautiful, but the shine has worn off and mainly I'm suffering from a bad sunburn and hormonal crankiness. I am really grateful that my two brothers have come to hang out with me for the next two and a half weeks. They are a lot of fun and they keep me hip. Honestly, I've never had much of an eye for fashion and my youngest brother is amazing. I wish I could be more on top of things like him. There is amazing shopping here as well, not that I can afford most of it... oh well. They also expose me to great music, which I'm also happy about. Some recent favorites: Empire of the Sun, CSS, and some others I can't think of because it's too late. Well, maybe I'll talk more about that another day.

What have I been doing here? I get that question a lot and I feel like a phony pretending to vacation here. The story is that I came home to Oregon after a pretty crappy experience in Utah from January to June and I needed a break. My dad had been asked by his work to do a project in Hawaii this summer and it proved to be just the right escape. Actually, I couldn't ask for a better one. So, here I am, bumming it in Honolulu. I am not approaching this trip the way most people would. I am simply trying to soak in the atmosphere and avoid the tourist traps. I don't feel compelled to buy souvenirs or even take many pictures. I keep my routine simple. I go to the beach; sometimes I volunteer; sometimes I snorkel; some days I sit indoors and watch the Price is Right before I even head out to the beach. I can only spend an hour or two in the sun anyway before I'm burnt to a crisp. Right now my life is very simple. Probably the simplest it's been in years. I take care of myself, live in a studio condo with my family, and chill. It's great. I think my mind is a little numb at the moment, but I am glad for it. I had too many months of pain and anxiety. It's harmful to stay in that state and I am glad I'm out of it. My heart hasn't raced much lately--except for when I occasionally run on the treadmill. I feel blessed.

The best things I've experienced so far on the island have been:

1. Swimming in the turquoise blue ocean, looking off into the distance, and seeing no other land in sight.

2. Eating local food. I am crazy about loco moco. I am currently a rice-aholic.

3. Getting into snorkeling. The fish here are awesome, and much bigger than I thought they'd be. My dad helped me get into this one. Without his help I'd have never mustered up the courage to try out the deeper water where the cooler fish are.

4. Volunteering at the Bishop Museum. It has given me greater perspective and a glimpse into the rich tradition here on the island.

5. Long drives along the coast. I haven't gasped out loud so many times in my recent memory.

6. The farmer's market. Haupia bread pudding is amazing and so is fresh pineapple. There's nothing like it on the mainland.

And it wouldn't be complete without the worst (I'll keep this one short):

1. Sunburns!!! Argh

2. Smelly garbage (boy it gets so much worse here because of the warm weather. Yuck!)

3. Busloads of tourists clogging up every road

4. Smoking everywhere! Even on the beach it's hard to get a clean breath

5. Screwed up transportation and difficult to decipher street names

6. Loneliness

I'll try to update a couple more times before I leave. I'm sure I'll have something else to say at some point. For now it's aloha and mahalo for reading.

Rainbows...

Not too long ago I got a fortune that read "the rainbow's treasures will soon belong to you." I'm starting to believe it...

How is it done?

I have been learning some profound things about faith lately. Returning to the faith-enriched chapters of Alma 32-33, I pinpointed some things that I had never noticed before. I realized that faith can be strengthened simply by the kinds of questions that we ask the Lord.

The people that Alma taught were humbled by their impoverished circumstances. They had been treated cruelly, but they were not numbed to faith because of their experiences; they realized that Alma had something to teach them and they were willing to listen. The first thing they asked him was "How they should plant the seed... or in what manner they should begin to exercise their faith" (33:1). They did not ask him why they had been subjected to such cruelty or any other questions pertaining to why they were in their current circumstances.

I am beginning to be intrigued with this question: How? In my experience it comes before all other questions when dealing with the Lord. He may never answer a question directly that begins with who, what, where, why, or when because these questions are based primarily on fact. Asking how requires a greater measure of faith because it shows a willingness to do what is asked without depending on worldly knowledge. I see now that when we ask how, we show the Lord that we want to be led. We show Him that all other questions can wait as we are guided to learn His will, then the other answers will come as needed.

So, once the people ask how, Alma goes right ahead and tells them the answer. In verse 2 he says, "ye ought to search the scriptures." Then he tells them to pray and testifies of how the Lord has heard his prayers. He asks them, "if ye have read the scriptures... how can ye disbelieve on the Son of God?" Finally, he promises them once more what the result of planting a seed of faith will be:

as it beginneth to swell even so nourish it by your faith, And behold it will become a tree, springing up in you unto everlasting life. And then may God grant unto you that your burdens may be light, through the joy of His son. And even all this can ye do if ye will.

These simple answers are sufficient for the people Alma taught and for all of us. I see how they work in my life now, after some sad and difficult things have happened. Despite those disappointments, my peace remains and my faith continues to grow as I ask the Lord how I am supposed to live my life in order to experience greater joy. I used to wonder why I was given certain trials or periods of waiting. Now I am learning to ask how to be joyful and stop focusing so intently on the whys. I feel very blessed to see this lesson at this time in my life. Most of the difficulty I have encountered with trials of faith have been because I was asking questions that would not be answered without the initial question of how to show that I am even willing to do what is necessary to obtain the whys.

The ultimate test of life is seeking to do what is asked of us before we understand the reasons fully. It is also striving to live the higher law without the immediate capacity to do so. As the Lord said to Abraham, "We will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them." It occurred to me that God is proving us, not the other way around. We are not meant to go about trying to prove things that faith is meant to teach. Asking how is an opportunity to see past worldly constraints that would impede our ability to believe. I try to remind myself often that God's ways defy our human logic:

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts (Isa. 55:9).

Finally, I want to reemphasize what Alma said concerning blessings that come after a trial of faith. God promises us that as we seek to live the answers (and questions) he gives us, and our faith grows even further, "then may God grant unto you that your burdens may be light, through the joy of His son. And even all this can ye do if ye will."

Unharvested possibilities

Unharvested

A scent of ripeness from over a wall.
And come to leave the routine road
And look for what had made me stall,
There sure enough was an apple tree
That had eased itself of its summer load,
And of all but its trivial foliage free,
Now breathed as light as a lady's fan.
For there had been an apple fall
As complete as the apple had given man.
The ground was one circle of solid red.

May something go always unharvested!
May much stay out of our stated plan,
Apples or something forgotten and left,
So smelling their sweetness would be no theft.

--Robert Frost

Today I return to blogging after an absence of about five and a half months. I knew I'd come back eventually, I just wanted something more substantial to say before I posted again. The business of waiting is over and I am seeing my life in a new way. Let me explain...

I moved to Utah in mid-January this year in order to be reunited with the person I was dating. It was a leap of faith. I was honestly scared, but I had a strong feeling that it was still the correct path for me, regardless of the amount of reticence I was feeling from him. I quit my job and left home again. It was difficult for me to do this. I am not even sure I can explain how much I miss my family even now, but I am still reassured that I am in the place where I am supposed to be.

I had two major worries when I came to Utah. I wondered if I could find a job and I also spend a good amount of time worrying about the relationship I was in. I couldn't feel the same amount of commitment coming from him and it was unclear to me why things weren't working out the way I'd imagined them. I don't want to agonize over what went wrong. I only know that he wasn't ready for a greater commitment like I was. I know his fears were overwhelming him. I couldn't change that and I needed resolution. When I finally asked him if he truly wanted to be with me, he could only say no because he couldn't say yes with all his heart. That happened last week. I felt an acute loss for about two days. The pain was almost literally like a weight on my chest. But somehow, on the third day, I felt relief. I'd accepted what happened and woke up with a feeling of happiness and peace unlike any I'd felt for some time. I see possibilities for my life that I haven't seen before because it happened.

Take note of the poem at the beginning of this post. I found it two days ago and it explains perfectly how I feel about the loss that I have just experienced. Instead of viewing it as something spoiled, I see it as something that wasn't for me. I can leave it unharvested and continue on my path without without regret. I am satisfied to have spent the time that I did enjoying it and learning from it. Now I can move on.

The week that my relationship ended I also started working at a new job. I won't be able to give many details about it here, because I am working at a treatment facility for adolescent girls who have addictions. It has been eye-opening to work with these teenagers. They come from a variety of backgrounds and have many different challenges. They must be watched constantly to ensure that they are not engaging in behaviors that will harm themselves or others. I actually love working with them and I feel very fulfilled at work presently. It isn't an easy job, but it is the kind of work that I enjoy doing.

So today I am grateful. I feel at peace. I am not sure where my path will take me, but I am done trying to change things that are out of my power. Doctrine and Covenants 123: 16-17 has been going through my mind lately:

You know, brethren, that a very large ship is benefited very much by a very small helm in the time of a storm, by being kept workways with the wind and the waves. Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

Focusing on my ability to act instead of focusing on what others are doing is one of the most important lessons I've ever learned, and I continue to learn it each time I am faced with a trial. If I constantly worry about something that is out of my power, I give my peace away. I am thankful that it has returned, along with a good dose of hope.

Oh, and Happy St. Patrick's Day to everyone! I'll celebrate tonight by eating green cafeteria food at work. I hope you enjoy your day too.