My New Years Resolutions or... (insert word from below)

Here are some synonyms for the word "resolution":

aim, boldness, constancy, courage, dauntlessness, decidedness, decision, declaration, dedication, doggedness, earnestness, energy, firmness, fixed purpose, fortitude, guts, heart, immovability, intent, intention, judgment, mettle, moxie, obstinacy, perseverance, pluck, purpose, purposefulness, relentlessness, resoluteness, resolve, settlement, sincerity, spirit, spunk, staunchness, staying power, steadfastness, stubbornness, tenacity, verdict, willpower

Kind of helps me to understand what they are a little better. My favorites are in bold. :)

To begin this train of thought, last night at around 3:30am I realized that I should be going to bed; now it's about 8am and somehow my body believes it's had sufficient sleep. I guess I can't argue, but considering that I am usually the kind of person who sleeps in until eleven when I can, this feels strange. Well, now that I am up, my mind has been filled with New Year's Resolutions. I didn't intend to write any yesterday, but here they are today. There are quite a few this year. I guess that means there are a lot of things I would like to change in my life. I didn't see that until recently. Truthfully, I don't know if I've lived my life very well this year. That is, I don't know if I've been as happy as I could be. There has been a lot of backlash to sad experience and I wish that weren't the case. To quote my journal, "I got a jolt of reality this year and I'm trying not to let it make me cynical. I'm trying to accept it for what it is and use that knowledge to help me live a fuller, more joyful life." Cynicism isn't getting me anywhere, and I know that. It is just extremely difficult for me to open myself up to the possibility of being injured again, even if there is also the possibility of being loved again. Since when am I so scared? There's another resolution...

But before I begin with the resolutions, I do want to account for what I believe to be my biggest regrets this year. Regretting doesn't change the past, but it can help with the future. This is an opportunity for me to recognize that I do need to make changes.

I most regret...

1. My financial decisions. Buying a car that was too expensive last year and shopping too frequently for things that I don't need has left me feeling frustrated.

2. My attitude regarding relationships. I haven't been this closed off for some time. I've been unfriendly at times, critical, and just unavailable, even to people close to me.

3. My lack of diligence. I haven't been very attentive to people that I care about and I've let a lot of important things slide. I include my willingness to do my calling at church in this category and the depth of my scripture study. I just feel lazy.

My list of resolutions is long, but it's more than just a to do list of one time accomplishments. It's about things that I truly, sincerely want to try do better and keep trying to do. I don't know if I can do any of these things perfectly, but that's not the point. (Keep in mind these aren't in order of importance.)

This year I will...

1. Avoid library or credit card late fees. Keep track of when stuff is due and take care of it on time.

2. Switch scripture study to the morning. I have the time and it needs to be more meaningful.

3. Exercise in the morning as well-- walk or bike 45 minutes.

4. Apply to grad schools by the deadlines in April for this fall.

5. Start meeting new people to date by doing new things, perhaps even online dating... er, we'll see.

6. Ask hard questions, even if the situation is awkward. It's not about confrontation, but communication.

7. Get as much paid off on my credit cards as possible!

8. Sell my car and get rid of that extra payment.

9. Get a more affordable car.

10. Speak less out of anger. Shut my mouth and walk away if I can't do anything positive about the situation.

11. Practice my Russian daily.

12. Practice piano daily.

13. Learn to play some simple songs on the guitar.

14. Get a guitar or borrow one.

15. Continue going to the temple at least weekly.

16. Avoid shopping at all if I don't have money.

17. Be more prayerful. Ask for the things I really need. Give thanks sincerely and frequently.

18. Stop saying unkind things about people. Period.

19. Read more from my personal library of books.

20. Tell people how much they mean to me more often.

21. Say thank you more.

22. Make quilts for each member of my family.

23. Seek out opportunities to see and do new things locally.

24. Write more!

25. Take more responsibility for my decisions.

26. Give away things I don't need.

27. Cut out excuses. Apologize and then say what I will do differently the next time.

28. Wear sexy shoes more often.

29. Take the dogs on more walks.

30. Compliment others more.

31. Smile more.

32. Stop agonizing over past mistakes and embarrassments.

33. Hug people more.

34. Be more polite on the road.

35. Wait my turn and smile when I get there.

I've often said to people at times when they need encouragement "goals are stars to shoot for, not sticks to beat yourself with." I don't remember where I heard that phrase either. Now I need to take that advice for myself and look up toward the sky. I'm not in a self-deprecating frame of mind at all, really. I just want to start 2o11 off right.

Happy New Year's everyone! С Новым годом!

P.S. In the spirit of using the thesaurus, I searched 26 adjectives, A to Z, that I think describe myself. It's a nice exercise in self-esteem. Try it out: http://thesaurus.com/

I'm altruistic, benevolent, clever, devoted, earnest, fascinating, gregarious, heavenly, ingenious, judicious, keen, literary, memorable, nimble, observant, peculiar, quick witted, refreshing, savvy, transcendent, undiluted, vivacious, wizard, xenodochial, youthful, and zippy.

Birthday shoes

Now that I'm 29, I feel like I can handle these shoes. Thank you to my friends and family who made my day awesome! I don't feel any different inside, but it's always nice to know that people are glad you're alive. I'm glad you're alive too.

P.S. I just got back from Target where I purchased a copy of Eclipse. This night is about to get epic... er... sort of.

On a shopping fast

When I got back from Hawaii in August and started paying attention to the dismal state of my finances, I started to panic. I realized how deeply in debt I was, and I knew I had to change something. I thought I was beyond this. At the beginning of this year I'd had my finances worked out and I was in a position where I could spend a little. But after moving and setting up an apartment, being out of a job for almost three months, and then moving back home after six months, I lost most of the savings I'd built up over the past year. So in September I went on a shopping fast and started looking for a job, pronto. Since that time, I haven't bought anything superfluous. That's almost three months now. I thought it might be difficult to avoid shopping for even a week, but it hasn't been that bad. Now I ascribe to the old saying "What you don't know can't hurt you" when it comes to spending. If I don't walk into the store, I can't buy anything in it. If I don't take a peek at the sale, I won't even know what it was about or how many dollars I could have "saved." It's refreshing, actually. But don't misunderstand me. I love shopping. I feel at home in Nordstrom and I even went to the mall today. I don't think that I need to ignore the world of shopping or fashion, but I need to be smart about what I buy and for what reason. I realized that earlier this year I was often using shopping as an escape. It provided an instant boost to my mood and self esteem and it's fun to have new things. I don't think this is negative... when I have the resources to do it. The problem is, it's hard to tell myself this when I am in a shopping mood, which can hit me at almost any time and for a variety of reasons. That is why the shopping fast was necessary.

A shopping fast is not like a food fast. It doesn't mean no shopping ever and no going into a store, although some people might need to begin this way and wean themselves into a more healthy state of mind. For me, these are the rules:

1. Make a monthly list of expenses and budget how much I can actually spend on clothes or other "wants"

2. Only spend that amount of money (if there is any left over after expenses, which there really isn't for me right now)

3. Only use credit cards when I can pay them back immediately

4. Don't go into stores unless I need something, or if I do go in a store and I don't plan on shopping, leave my wallet at home

That's it!

It's worked out well for me these past three months and now that I am getting to a place where I am more financially secure, now that I have a new job, I have lost much of my desire to spend for no good reason. I have been more creative with the clothes I have and wearing more of them. I don't have a desire to go to the mall every weekend. I spend more time outdoors going on walks and going hiking. My shopping fast has had more of an effect on me that I imagined. I plan to continue with this fast for as long as I need to, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to go back to the way I was.

On a related note, I went to Walmart (yes, shocking) on Black Friday Eve just to check out the scene. It took approximately ten minutes to walk in the store, weave through all the shoppers, carts, and shelves, and walk right out. I didn't see anything I needed. It felt almost gross to see how much excess there was and how many people believed they needed it. It made me sad to see that Thanksgiving, a holiday specifically for showing gratitude, had unconsciously become about greed for many people. Stores used to be closed on Thanksgiving; now they are opening earlier and earlier to let in shoppers who should be at home with their families instead of trying to buy a cheap laptop, GPS, pair of pajamas, or electric toothbrush. I am trying not to judge, but I can't imagine that the cost of the whole endeavor outweighs the benefit of getting a good deal.

Simple=Happy

* A trail sign in Forest Park

As I sit here watching the documentary "Colossal Squid" while trying to gather my thoughts about the past few months, I just want to say that I'm glad to be where I am, doing what I am doing. This year I was shaken up, my plans turned on their head, and I thought what I was doing was admitting defeat when I left Utah. I know I've touched on this before, but I want to make it clear that I am happy to have learned the things I've learned, and to continue forward with the experience I've gained. So, what have I been doing? To some it might seem that first, I'd been hiding out in a tropical location and afterward I've been semi-employed in Oregon, sleeping in every morning and trying to pull my life back together. Well, it's simpler and less pitiable than that. The sleeping in continues, because I don't have a typical 9 to 5 job, but all I am trying to do is enjoy each day for exactly what it is. And I like it.

Some of the activities I enjoy most right now are: Spending time with my family and my dogs, reading plenty of fantasy novels, going on fall walks, exploring the Portland hills*, teaching grade schoolers an after school writing class, getting to know more people in my YSA ward, finding a new job, contemplating grad school, watching anime, quilting and crocheting, going to the library, teaching a class at church for new members, and working Saturdays at the temple. I feel that my life is full and interesting, although simpler than I had expected it to be at this time in my life.

One of the things I'm most grateful for is recently finding a new job. I currently work with 3, 4, and 5th graders at Seth Lewelling grade school. I teach a writing/thinking class called "Imagination Workshop." It has been a really fun experiment in teaching a much younger class than I've ever experienced. They have been more rowdy and more lovable than I thought they would be. We have been focusing on the five senses, along with a survey of different types of literature. I loved teaching them about poetry and surprising them with activities they didn't anticipate. We will finish the first half of the year with a play. When I am finished teaching this class, I will move on to my new job, which is running an after school program for homeless youth in the same school district. I was surprised to learn that there are over 200 homeless youth in the school system. They need a safe, warm place to do homework and learn computer skills. In addition to this, I will be matching them with mentors, something that I feel strongly about. I have loved working with mentoring pairs in the past and I hope that it is as good of an experience now as it was then.

I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing until I feel like I need to change something again. And since change is inevitable, I'm sure I'll have something else to post soon.

Back again

Hey everybody! You probably didn't miss me at all, but I am back again and with a snazzier design. I was actually embarrassed to keep posting with my blog looking the way it did. I don't have much to say right now. Maybe I'll post some thoughts on conference once it's over tomorrow. Peace out.