is against all odds.

Today I hit a brick wall. I found myself loathing work, for the 100th time, as I drove in and as soon as I got to work, everything seemed directed against me. Even when I met with my boss, which was pretty light-duty compared to past meetings, I realized that I felt defiant about everything that she was saying. Then, at lunch time, I called my mom to say that I hate my job and if I could I would quit TODAY. What is so wrong with my job? Well, I made a list:

1. I get stressed out when my boss is watching me too closely
2. I have to deal with difficult people on the phone sometimes, in Russian, no less
3. Sometimes there is not enough work to do and I am bored
4. I don't get much positive reinforcement for what I am doing right, what I hear is about 95% critique
5. My job feels thankless
6. I am asked to do less outreach to schools, which is the part of my job I enjoy the most
7. I dislike having to redo work that doesn't matter to anyone but my boss
8. My grant runs out in June and I will either have to find a new job or cope with reduced hours

On the other hand, there are more than twice as many reasons why I like my job:

1. I get to speak Russian daily
2. It's good pay
3. It's full-time
4. It's not far from my home
5. I get to work with youth
6. I get to help people
7. I see progress with these youth
8. I have nice coworkers
9. I have a pleasant workspace (with a window!)
10. I have some freedom to be a little creative with my job
11. I have vacation days and sick days
12. I have a 1 hour lunch
13. I like to go walking in the pleasant surrounding neighborhoods here during lunch
14. I get to talk to people all day
15. I get to write
16. I get to make home visits
17. I get to organize special events

After writing that list I realized that I'm being a little less grateful than I should be. I have a good job, even though I feel stressed out at times. The core of what I do is enjoyable and I believe in it, which is important to me. Even though I feel boxed in at times with my bosses' requests, I realize that I have enough space to do what I need to do.

Social work can expose the ugly underside of a community. I see this daily and it does weigh on me. I had two volunteers send me emails today about wanting to quit their mentorships because they are too difficult. The problems these kids face are complex and their mentors are not trained to deal with them. I am not trained to deal with them either. It is sad when I need to let one of these youth go because their needs are too great. But despite the unpleasantness that can stretch across the days, there are moments that cause me to see the beauty of what I do. It's like a flower growing throught the sidewalk. Then I realized, I need to be more like that persevering flower, growing in a less-than-ideal situation, against all odds.